Adoption

[Fillipe]

Niece and her DH already have two children of their own (6 and 8) now thinking of adoption. AIBU to ask how do adopted children get along with siblings and vice versa? In general are adopted children welcomed, accepted. Sorry if this is emotive subject for some, genuinely concerned.

Sorry, I think I should have made the AIBU to ask how dc get along with their adopted siblings?

I think the whole family will be assessed to see if it is an option - so the current children will also be part of that process. Is the child known to them say a foster child or a family member they are guardians of - I think this could be slightly different.

Its a noble thing to want to do but given the issues with many children in the system, I think it could a case of throwing a hand grenade into your family. Not a decision to be taken lightly.

Your disdain for this idea is clear, and what do you plan on doing with our responses? Bombarding your niece with disapproving looks, raised eyebrows and I told you sos? I'd leave well along, bite your tongue and let the adults make their own decisions.

My DSis adopted her second child, the two girls get on fabulously as adults, and always have. But DD1 was in double digits at the time of adoption and longed for a sibling.

I have friends who have adopted their third child, and their biological DC adore their sister. However they were older at the time of adoption.

Just as with biological siblings, I guess it is possible for resentment to happen at not having the same attention, not being the youngest, not being the only boy/girl, etc. However with adoption you can have the added 'but I'm their REAL child, he's/she's not' which would be quite traumatic for the adopted child.

Your AIBU still does not make sense, however as a parent of birth and adopted children I would say it is very difficult and obviously not to be taken on lightly. However if the assessment process is still as rigorous as ours was then you have to be very determined to do it, and if they are that determined and prepared then good luck to them.

It's not really any of your business, though, is it? This is your niece and her husband's decision, so it's up to them to work through the potential implications of adoption, which I'm sure they've carefully considered. You shouldn't be poking your nose in and giving your niece your opinions on whether you think adoption's a good idea.

Three adoptions in our family, in each case you'd not know which siblings are related by blood and which aren't. It doesn't always work out that way of course, but then again, full siblings don't always get along either!

Yanbu to be concerned. But don’t worry, the process is extremely thorough.

I adopted and also have a birth dc. My family and friends are hugely supportive and no one has ever treated my adopted dc as anything bar part of the family,

The relationship between the siblings is very volatile, but that's not unusual. You have to have a certain age gap to try and reduce sibling rivalry (4 years when I adopted). My adopted dc is hugely jealous of my birth dc and they fight and fall out ALL the time. A lot more than normal siblings. But it's something that we spent a lot of time discussing as part of the process

FFS posting about a topic like this in AIBU shows your absolute ignorance.

If your niece and her family start the process they will be under close scrutiny and be intensely assessed to make sure they are suitable, as with all adoptions, for good reason. In the nicest possible way, you clearly don’t know anything about the process so you should leave well alone.

What an awful OP!

Am I missing something? Does this have something to do with you?

YANBU to ask this question. I know of a family who had no business adopting because they are obsessed with having a biological child and are still putting all their savings in to fertility treatments (while ignoring their adopted daughters). The wife was pressured in to adopting by her husband and won't let the idea of a biological child go. Sometimes these questions need to be asked for the benefit of the children who are adopted because some adoptive parents look at those children like a plaster for other issues rather than them being their children.

Whatever you think this is something the adoption assessors will go over in detail with the couple. And they will also ask the children their opinions (without the parents present). It's very much the would be parents who get assessed.
Tbh with two birth kids (particularly if they are NT) and the couple have never had any major drama in their lives they are going to be very undesirable as adopters. But come over to the adoption board if you want to understand why cos aibu isn't really the place for adoption discussion.

Sorry -what are we voting for?

Is your concern for the potential adopted child(ren) or your niece's current children?

If I were your niece I'd be concerned that you were planning on treating my children differently due to being or not being adopted. You'd not see me or any of the children if I found out you were doing this.

Has your niece even asked for your input on this? If I was planning to adopt and I found out my aunt had been posting about it, albeit anonymously, on here I would be pretty annoyed.
On the other hand, if she’s asked you to do some research on her behalf then maybe it’s better to say that on your post? It really is an emotive subject so making it clear as to why you are getting involved would most likely get responses.

Is this any of your business? Your niece and her DH will be thoroughly assessed by the adoption agency as will their DC. As someone currently going through the adoption process, I’d be horrified if my aunt was posting on AIBU about me instead of asking questions to me directly.

I think they would probably be as accepting as of any younger sibling. But...that means there are definitely times they will wish they weren't there and it would be important to remember that biological siblings sometimes feel that way too!

Did they ask you for advice?

I have no idea what the ‘answer’ to your question is other than anecdotes about adopted people I know. I doubt there is actually an answer other than, like most things, “it depends”.

I have siblings, none of us are adopted and we don't all like each other. Some of us have disliked each other since childhood, some of us have great relationships and have had since childhood. I don't see why it should be any different for adopted siblings, there will be an adjustment period but that's expected.

Apologies. Sensitivity part of my brain is having a bad day today. I've also just had to apologise on another thread for similar. Think I have this OP all wrong, not explained myself clearly and why I've asked for votes I have no idea!! So genuine apologies everyone . Basically, dn is thinking of adopting and asked my thoughts. I think it's a lovely idea (they're brilliant parents and also helped out a lot with my ds who has severe autism). I said my only concern would be if dc would treat adopted child differently in any way simply because he /she is adopted? And would adopted child feel left out / pushed out /different. Because I wouldn't want that for any child. Neither of us have any idea about this so I suggested I ask on MN for people's experiences. DN agreed. Unfortunately, I haven't asked for people's experiences in the right way, sorry. (please, totally ignore the voting)