Sorry this is a bit on the self pitying side. I’m driving myself crazy at the moment.
I’m normally pretty outgoing and during the school holidays I arrange play dates for dd to catch up with her school friends. Her dick of a dad took me to court for access (long story short I stopped it because he hit his gf in the face in front of dd and he was abusive to me during our entire relationship). He got legal aid, I didn’t and he now gets her for 2 weeks in summer. She’s away all this week.
I also have a ds who’s 2 in October. Dd is 6, 7 next week.
August is a pretty shitty month for me as my brother commit suicide almost 8 years ago.
Normally I can put on a happy face and get on with things but not having her here seems to be making things much worse than usual. I’ve not taken ds out to play for over a week because I can barely bring myself to get dressed during the day. The thought of doing anything remotely nice with him sets off stupid thoughts and worries about dd and whether they’re looking after her properly or if she’s happy. Ex text me last night to let me know she’s missing me. I tried to dismiss it because it’s just a game he’s playing because he knows it hurts me that he won’t let her FaceTime.
Ds’s behaviour goes downhill the longer she’s away too but I’m not sure if he picks up on dp and me missing dd or if it’s him missing her himself. Today I found him in her room lying on her bed cuddling her favourite toy 
While we were in there I noticed she’d left us a note saying she’d miss us while she was away and I went to pieces. Scared the crap out of ds. Calmed down and put my best game face on ready for dp coming home. I’ve been getting myself sorted so it doesn’t look like I’ve not left the house. Thought he hadn’t noticed I was getting worse but tonight he asked if it was the bad date yet as I wasn’t myself. Went to pieces and had my first panic attack since 2013. He’s been being lovely tonight but I can’t sleep which means I’m going to be a mess in the morning so my ds is guaranteed another crappy day.
In all honesty I just want to curl up in a ball and hide but I don’t seem to have that option. I feel like now that dp knows how I’m feeling I need to go be busy doing stuff with ds because being secretly shitty seems less shameful than him knowing.
Sorry for the long whine