To object to DH listening to podcasts in bed?

[zonedoutallnight]

This is a recurring argument in our house. DH listens to podcast to an extreme degree. When he is driving home from work - not a problem. When he is cooking he listens over the speakers in the kitchen which I generally don't object to unless the content is really not ok for the kids to listen to (ie age inappropriate or swearing) or it is so loud I can hear it the other end of the house. He listens to them over the speaker of his phone in the shower and generally any opportunity he can. I try and think of it as him listening to the radio and therefore - fine. Whatever. Its not my cup of tea but who cares.

The thing I DO object to is when it is time to sleep he puts his headphones in and turns over in bed to listen to them. To me I find that offensive because it's like this space should be for just the two us but it feels like he's doing it to deliberately block me out. I just said to him it's rude. He said it isn't and then that was it. Silence. I have no idea if he carried on or not but I'm now in the spare room. AIBU to expect him not to listen to them in bed? Even if I can't hear.

Were you trying to talk to him when he put the headphones on? Because that's rude, but if it was a kind of 'night night, lights out' situation then I don't see why you'd be bothered really, but if you are, you are. Would a pillow with a built in speaker be a compromise- he can still listen, but it's not shutting you out.

He sounds an utter tit

If you're going to sleep why does it matter that he's continuing to listen to podcasts?

So long as he's using headphones.

YABU. I hate the expectation that sharing a bed means that you lose yourself entirely.

Do you usually have some sex in bed? What's your sex life like? Is it even present?

I had asked him to turn his light off so we were going to sleep it just bugs me that I might want to say something and he won't hear me. Even if it's just "I love you" or "dont forget your lunch tomorrow".

And I really don't want to be able to hear them through his pillow - they are absolute garbage most of the time. Think alien conspiracy theories or government coverups.

I'd find it rude mainly because a lot of the time we put the lights out and then have a nice quiet cuddle that can naturally develop into more intimate things. Putting on headphones every night is just totally blocking any sort of sleepy contact.

I'd expect him to say Goodnight, love you or similar before he puts his headphones on, but why does he have to go to sleep at the same time as you? Why can't he listen to podcasts then if he wants to?

I have to listen to podcasts in bed. My DP falls asleep almost immediately sometimes. I'm a light sleeper and he snores so I need some noise.

Well why don't you discuss this with him?

I listen to stuff through headphones to help me get to sleep (usually a meditation app rather than a podcast but I feel like the principle is the same?) I don’t put headphones in until DH and I are going to sleep (so after any “intimate things” as a PP mentioned and after we’re done talking). I don’t see what the problem is. Tbh I’d find it kind of rude if Dh started reminding me to take my lunch tomorrow while I was trying to get to sleep!

I thought you were going t say you can hear it! It’s fine IMHO as long as you can’t hear it.

Are you married to my husband? 😩

YANBU, they're really irritating, especially the conspiracy theory crap

I listen to podcasts to get to sleep (with earbuds). This is obviously after any intimacy has happened. I usually get back up and when I'm ready to try to get to sleep I creep back in. He's a snorer, sometimes I can still hear him over the podcasts. I'm quite partial to true crime podcasts, we have a joke about him sleeping with one eye open. 😜

I don't really get the problem? I listen to audiobooks in bed every night (and I don't even use headphones but DP sleeps like a log ). I'd be pretty pissed off if he asked me to stop doing something that I enjoy and use to wind down on the off chance he wants to ask me a question after we've said goodnight. He needs to turn it down if you can hear it, though. The pillow speakers work really well - DP never heard a thing when I used mine. The sound is really isolated

Of the two of us his snoring wakes me up rather than the other way round.

I regularly find his lunch still in the fridge or on the arm of the sofa because his mind is not on what he's doing in the morning.

Sex life is not perfect but also pretty normal for a couple who've been together for over 15 years - some weeks we are very active, other weeks life gets on the way and it's less so. The glow of a mobile phone in his face isn't the most erotic thing in the world though.

And I'm not talking to him about it because we have had this argument more than once. He has to be up for work in the morning so what's the point? We will all just get pissed off with each other.

Maybe I am being unreasonable but we never have a tv in the bedroom because I've always said it's a passion killer and given the option I'd get old fashioned alarm clocks and try and keep phones downstairs but he's not interested in that and doesn't see the point.

In theory I would say fine if he uses headphones, but given your description of his podcast listening habits, when does he ever talk/listen to you? Is that the real problem here, that you don't get to be a priority even when you're in bed together?

I may ask him about pillow speakers then if you think they're good. He's a bit precious about his pillows though so unless it's comfy it'll never happen

@Butterymuffin you might be right about that.

If he leaves his lunch then so what, so long as it doesn't go to waste I don't see the issue. He's a grown man. He'll survive.

I do think that you're being unreasonable. I'd find your insistence on being completely focused on one another in bed utterly suffocating. If you are asleep then what is the problem with him choosing to listen to a podcast? You're hardly going to have a conversation in your sleep are you?

If he's ignoring you all day that's one thing but if you are going to sleep I don't see the issue.

If it’s really big for you (and you should probably have an honest look at whether it is, or if this is a ‘tip of an iceberg’ thing), then address it with him at a time you are both calm.

Communicate your needs, and ask for a new routine that takes your needs into account. Be very specific. Is it a couple of nights a week you’d like him to abstain from headphones and just chat?

I have a similar problem, but my issue was mainly with the content of the podcasts. Drivel, that seemed to be edging nearer to toxic ‘men’s rights’ topics. Very unsexy. Unfortunately, he chose the Menz over relationship harmony (and sex). Seperate bedrooms now. Don’t let it come to that, if you can help it.

I listen to the radio through the night. Under my pillow and it’s inausible without your ear pressed into the pillow. I’m fully present to communicate to DH and he can’t hear it. Win win.

I can imagine the glow from the phone would be irritating. Could he switch to night time mode/dim brightness? My phone cover is one of those with the flap that you can use for credit cards etc. there's no need to see the screen to listen. Or perhaps he could slip phone under the covers.

I love listening to podcasts, they can get pretty addictive, I listen when I'm alone doing housework or if DH is watching some boring sport I'll just say I'm not interested in this I'm gonna pop on a podcast. No one else needs to hear it though.

It's not like "pay me attention even when I'm asleep" I am not expecting him to gaze lovingly at my sleeping face until he drifts into peaceful slumber. It just bugs me. Like he is using the podcasts to shut me and the world out.

And I guess to some extent it bugs me that I am then the only one who would hear a crying child. They are no longer babies but they also aren't the best sleepers. One has nightmares and the other has often been up with nosebleeds in the night - particularly in this sort of weird weather we've been having.

But it is mostly the way I feel shut out. It's like this pic we are shutting each other out.

Argh. I should try and get over myself.