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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off that DH has just said that l'm annoying

44 replies

AnnoyingAnnieApparently · 08/08/2019 21:43

DH was sat reading the news and the conversation went like this...

DH: "God women really will do anything"
ME: "How do you mean?"
DH: "Women steaming their vagina's...and queue liberal back lash.."
ME: "Well not all women will do anything"
DH: "Maybe I should start staying super Liberal things and then you can see how annoying it is"
ME: "Charming... so I'm annoying?"
DH "No, not you"
ME: "Just the things I say?"
DH very smugly says "Well not ALL the things you say"

DH is like something from the 50s where women should be seen, briefly at that, and not heard! Whenever I have an opinion that differs from his I'm being "too Liberal"

That aside, I'm slightly f**d off that he thinks when I talk I'm annoying . I'm now sat here worrying that other people think I am too!!

OP posts:

StoppinBy · 09/08/2019 03:07

My husband and I both find each other annoying and we don't keep it secret from each other either lol.

That being said we are also both on equal ground where it sounds very much like you are considered inferior in your relationship and I think that is where the problem lies.

snitzelvoncrumb · 09/08/2019 03:19

Sometimes you just have to take the piss back. And I mean, really take the piss, start joking about the topic, (in a silly voice) oh I'm just a silly woman doing ......( Go on while tidying up), I shall just get your slippers and pipe for you, please tell me what my opinion of ..... Is as I can't think for myself (hand on forehead, dramatically swaying).
Then do something to annoy him, like over spend the next day (oh I'm such a silly woman I can't work out what the budget is)
Or you didn't iron his shirts (oh I'm such a silly woman I couldn't work out how to plug the iron in)
You need to choose something that will bug him, but not start a huge fight. If you can't tell him he has been an arse let him know in a passive aggressive way, but also light hearted and not too confrontational.

Alicewond · 09/08/2019 03:26

I’m confused? Is this some weird role play or blackmail? :P

Buddytheelf85 · 09/08/2019 04:30

I wouldn’t be bothered at being called annoying. I’d be pretty upset about his attitude to women and liberal values.

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 04:31

Is he American. This use of the word liberal is odd.

Fillipe · 09/08/2019 05:21

So are you leaving him? Over one annoying conversation?!

Original poster

AnnoyingAnnieApparently · 09/08/2019 09:22

@snitzelvoncrumb See this is the thing - I get the people who are saying "We take the piss out of each other" etc but my DH gets pretty arsey if I try and do it to him. I'm quite sarcastic by nature but have found
with him that I really have to dial it down else he gets annoyed.

@matahairyy Ha ha no not American

@Buddytheelf85 I wouldn't mind being called annoying as much if I thought it was warranted but being called annoying because I have opinions and dare to stand up for what I believe in is insulting.

@StoppinBy Maybe that's what's bothering me most. I feel inferior. I have been listening to him converse with other people lately and he seems so...animated with them... like he's a completely different person. He can barely be bothered to utter two words to me most of the time, unless he's trying to get me in to bed. I feel like that's all I'm good for.

OP posts:

FAQs · 09/08/2019 10:04

Yes no issue with saying to someone I’m close to that they are annoying or if they say it to me fully appreciate everyone is at times annoying,

AngelasAshes · 09/08/2019 10:13

I honestly think you were being a bit annoying. The whole “but all women/men/children/dogs do x” is annoying in any context because the speaker is just using the plural form not saying ALL women,.etc etc in the first place.
Then you annoyingly deliberately conflated where he said you say annoying things to take offence as if he had said you were annoying which he did NOT say.
In correcting you, it must have pissed you off that he tit for tatted you with the “not ALL things you say” (I guess you learned how annoying that is now the shoe was on the other foot).

AngelasAshes · 09/08/2019 10:14

Crap...I dropped the “not” in first sentence..should read “but not all women/men...”

AngelasAshes · 09/08/2019 10:17

You are going to another each other. The fact that happens doesn’t make you or him inferior. I think you are projecting your insecurities. So what if he is more conservative than you?

PolkaDotted · 09/08/2019 10:19

I couldn't put up with that, OP. Or this He can barely be bothered to utter two words to me most of the time, unless he's trying to get me in to bed. I feel like that's all I'm good for.

He sounds awful and you don't have to put up with it either. You deserve better.

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/08/2019 10:46

Maybe that's what's bothering me most. I feel inferior. I have been listening to him converse with other people lately and he seems so...animated with them... like he's a completely different person. He can barely be bothered to utter two words to me most of the time, unless he's trying to get me in to bed. I feel like that's all I'm good for. He's not happy with the marriage. It's not your fault, most emphatically it's not your fault. People do grow away form each other. You have three options:

mentally check out of the marriage, so you no longer bother to engage with him and you treat any comments from him as the rubbish that they are
put an end to the marriage, since it's obviously not giving him and pleasure, and you're on the receiving end of unpleasant and offensive remarks
talk to him about the future of the marriage and whetehr it can be revived, bearing in mind end result may be same as 2)

dollydaydream114 · 09/08/2019 10:50

He's a misogynist. He doesn't like or respect women, and you are a woman.

If you marry a man who is openly disdainful of women, don't expect them to be nice to you. Or did you think it was fine for him to be horrible about women provided he pretended that you weren't one of them?

AngelasAshes · 09/08/2019 12:14

FGS making light of women who steam their vagina does not make anyone a misogynist who does not respect women! We had entire thread on mumsnet yesterday about idiots who steam their vagina & making fun of it. Are all those mums misogynists who do not respect women too? Are they all stuck in the 1950s, hopelessly conservative, not allowing a woman to have an opinion as well?

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/08/2019 12:49

But he didn't make light of women who steam their vagina, did he? He included all women. And when OP pointed out that it wasn't all women, he accused her of having "super Liberal" (ie wrong) views. It's that combination which reveals him to be a misogynist.

Wonkybanana · 09/08/2019 13:21

The conversation wasn't too bad (at least on the surface, though I'm not sure about his 'cue liberal backlash') until HE ramped it up with his "Maybe I should start staying super Liberal things and then you can see how annoying it is", which was deliberately goady. The OP wasn't being liberal and annoying, she was stating factually that not all women would do it.

He might not have been like it at the start of the relationship, but he's morphed into a relic from the 50s. Not just in his opinions, but by the way he's allowed to say things to the OP, but gets arsey if she says anything back, even if it's quite mild, and that he only really engages with her if he wants sex.

OP yanbu, and I'm not saying LTB now but if this is his general attitude, the end might be starting to appear on the horizon.

AngelasAshes · 09/08/2019 14:04

Hmmm, I thought she ramped it up first by trotting out the tired “well not ALL women....”

Shoxfordian · 09/08/2019 14:07

Looks like you've accidentally married a sexist knob
How embarrassing ....

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