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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this too mean?

18 replies

Whatsername7 · 08/08/2019 21:22

My dds are 8 ans 2.5. They have a mountain of toys and do not always look after their things properly. I know this is to be expected from the 2yo but the 8yo is perfectly capable. I sorted their toy storage out yesterday and was really frustrated to find the toys had just been shoved in where ever there was space when they had tidied up. Some things were broken because of the lack of care. I found both dd8's MP3 player that she 'lost' months ago and dh's old mp3 player that he'd loaned her as a replacement. I told them that they needed to start looking after their things if they wanted to keep them. We had a big discussion about it and I said that if they didnt look after their things they would be taken away. Today, they were playing bathtime with their baby dolls on the patio. All of their toys have been left strewn all over the garden despite them being asked to tidy up. Ive picked them all up, but them into a bag and hidden them in the garage. I thought Id tell them since they didn't look after them, I assumed they didnt want them and threw them out. Is it too mean? Im fed up with the constant fighting and lack of care they take over their things. I want to teach them a lesson. However, sometimes I find myself thinking im too hard and a bit like the mum from the TV show 'Malcolm in the Middle'. WWYD?

OP posts:
Littleduckeggblue · 08/08/2019 21:24

I would do the same.

RedCowboyBoots · 08/08/2019 21:24

I wouldn't tell them they've been thrown out unless you've actually done it, or you lose all credibility. I'd have them donate the ones they don't use to charity. Or hold the dolls hostage until they've proven they can clean up after themselves for a week.

Stressedout10 · 08/08/2019 21:26

That's fine for the 8 year old but way to harsh for the 2 year old

Ragwort · 08/08/2019 21:27

Agree ... but please don’t give them to a charity shop unless they are in really good condition.

And why do your DC have so many toys? I was very strict with my DS about toys, I never bought him any and often siphoned off gifts to charity shops, raffles etc before he even saw them so he was never overwhelmed with toys.

Original poster
Whatsername7 · 08/08/2019 21:28

Stressed - I know, but they are a double act. I can not seperate them. Dd2 is like dd8s shadow. Im not sure how much dd2 would understand anyway.

OP posts:
Wonkybanana · 08/08/2019 21:28

What if you tell them you've thrown the toys out and then for whatever reason want to have a rethink? They then wouldn't believe you if you did it again, they'd think you were crying wolf.

Maybe show them the bagged up toys (just a few of them) and tell them they have a choice, they put them away or you'll throw them out. Then if you have to, it won't be all of them and they'll know you mean it.

Outnotdown · 08/08/2019 21:29

Ha I often remind myself of Malcolm's mum, glad I'm not the only one
I'd hold the dolls hostage till they pick up after themselves, as suggested above. And might try similar myself, my house is a tipBlush

OMGshefoundmeout · 08/08/2019 21:31

Go easy on this. We were messy children (largely because we emulated our rather messy but very controlling mum). One day we came home and discovered that every toy, book, crayon, game, comic - everything we could ever play with had been rounded up, boxed up and locked in what had been my DS bedroom. She had to move into my room which remained tidy as we had nothing to mess it up with. It took months for mum to eventually open that locked room. Looking back I think it was a seriously fucked up thing to do. And I don’t think we were any tidier afterwards. On other occasions she threw away stuff I cherished. I used to dream I found them and cry when I woke up and they were still gone.

So yes, temporarily remove the toys if they are messy but let them earn them back in some way.

Original poster
Whatsername7 · 08/08/2019 21:31

Ragwort - my dd's have a large family so they recieve presents on birthdays and Christmas. DH feels everything is sentimental so it is difficult to give even old toys away. He would hit the roof if I gave away presents from family. Ive tried asking grandparents for experience based gifts, but both sets were poor when their own kids were little and have money now. It falls on deaf ears.

OP posts:
Flupibass · 08/08/2019 21:36

Oh come on........a bit of mess......what’s wrong with that? What’s so bad about a toy box being a mish mash of toys?

lyralalala · 08/08/2019 21:36

Do you not supervise your 2yo tidying up? Ridiculously harsh to punish a 2yo for not tidying up if you were not there supervising/directing.

Also unfair to expect an 8yo to either supervise the 2yo tidying up, or do all of the tidying on their own if the 2yo is contributing to the mess.

Original poster
Whatsername7 · 08/08/2019 21:36

Ok - I won't say ive thrown them out - completely agree that is wrong. I think I will wait until they start looking for them and then ask them where they left them. Give them a mystery to solve. Ask them what would happen if it had rained, could next doors dog have taken them etc. Then tell them that mummy recused them but they can't have them back until they tidy up after themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsername7 · 08/08/2019 21:39

Flupibass - its not a bit of mess, its toys just rammed in to cupboards and broken because dd8 cant be arsed to tidy away properly.
Lyralalala - usually, yes. But today I was cooking and asked dd8 to tidy up her toys with dd2 which they do often. Clearly they didn't.

OP posts:
Hassled · 08/08/2019 21:41

Lois from Malcolm in the Middle is pretty much my parenting role model. I think your later plan sounds good - the what if? approach.

VenusTiger · 08/08/2019 21:59

Yes my DS6 attaches sentiment to his toys, it’s natural - just pop them in the loft, that’s what I do, my son knows they’re there and in time they’ll probably be recycled somehow - no upset then.
Also, I wouldn’t expect the 8yr old to be teaching the 2yr old how to tidy after play - you do it with the youngest together and ask 8yr old to do the same with her toys. I’m sure you probably did that when the oldest was 2

Yabbers · 08/08/2019 22:00

So yes, temporarily remove the toys if they are messy but let them earn them back in some way.

Nope. This leads to “what can I do to get them back” Not a good thing IME.

Original poster
Whatsername7 · 08/08/2019 22:10

Ive taught them both to tidy up together over the last few months. By which I mean ive actively participated in tidying alongside them both. They are capable of tidying up together without me directly supervising and dd8 is never accountable for managing dd2. If dd2 doesn't tidy, dd8 knows to tidy her bit and leave the rest and I then get dd2 to do it. I would never make her responsible for dd2 like that. The original issue arose because dd8s stuff was shoved and crammed into her boxes with no thought and then things got 'lost' and broken. Tonight, they clearly forgot about outside toys. I should have reminded them but I didnt. Ive come to the conclusion that I need to accept a bit of responsibility and not punish them as it was my fault too. Instead I will pretend I don't know what happened to them and we will play 'what if' before revealing the toys safe and well and hope it makes them think next time.

OP posts:
NCpreggo · 08/08/2019 22:47

If grandparents etc refuse to do experience based gifts (so much better than never ending piles of tat...) then how about asking them to put into a savings account so the DC can save up for something they really want? A bike or something - or they can save it till they're older and put it towards a car etc etc. The grandparents will still be able to spend money on physical gifts for them that way if that's what they want to do, just a gift of the DCs choice which is actually wanted/useful in the longer term.

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