Or is my mum?

[Alwaysgrey]

About our family going on holiday. Last year we moved house so we didn’t go away. The house we’ve moved to costs us quite a bit more a month and I’m a carer so my dh is the only earner. We’ve had a tough year with the kids (two have asd). So we’ve not yet got round to booking a holiday. Neither child with asd can cope with the holiday clubs. Holidays are quite stressful but my mum has a bee in her bonnet about us going. How it’s not fair to the kids not to. We’ve been looking in the U.K. but a lot of the places we’d go so we can get the kids outdoors predicts rain and I’m very worried about being stuck in a cottage where I would have to watch one of the kids very closely because I’d be paranoid they’d break something accidentally. Of course I don’t want to miss out but I’d rather not pay £1k to be stuck in a cottage.

YANBU. Do what is best for your family.

Why would you spend money you don't have doing somthing you don't want to do?

It’s absolutely none of her business.

Is she otherwise supportive or does she interfere/offer opinions about other areas of your life?

It’s zero to do with her - just tell her you’ve decided not to go away and if she moans tell her you aren’t discussing it.

Is she going to pay then?

If she's got such a bee in her bonnet then she can pay for you to go away and to replace any items that may get broken so you can actually enjoy your holiday.

Yanbu, it has nothing to do with your mother, tell her mind her own business

Why are you giving her opinion any headspace at all? Has she consulted you about her holidaying decisions?

Your mum can have a whole wasp’s nest in her bonnet if she likes. Whether or not you go on holiday is none of her business.

Tell her opinions are expensive. If she wants you to take any notice of hers, it will cost her the price of a family holiday!

Just do what you think is best for your family, ignore what your Mother says.

‘Cheers mum, I’ll take you up on your offer to pay then!’

My mother likes to give “advice” I might add this is not asked for. Both kids with asd have food sensory issues and her advice is starve them out. I make sure my kids get what they need and I don’t want them missing out but also I don’t want to be trapped in a cottage with it pissing down with rain for a week and everyone miserable.

My in-laws can be a bit like this - my daughter has ASD, and it can be hard to explain to people that a holiday isn't always a holiday for her. That she has to be in a good place to enjoy it - if she is already stressed out, then she will not have a good time. I would take the money that you would have spent on a holiday, and spend it on day trips. That way, you can alternate fun, active days, with low-key, down days.

A lot of families don’t go on holidays due to money; there’s nothing wrong with that

Both kids with asd have food sensory issues and her advice is starve them out.

Oh god, I've had that too - "They won't starve themselves!". Yes, actually, they will. And if you put the wrong thing on the plate, then that's food over with for today.

I'm in the middle of a fortnight away with my two ASD kids and I would happily rip my arm off before using it to book another holiday ever again. Nothing is right. Even the water is wrong, along with the beds, the food. Even the telly is the wrong shape. The sea is too salty, too seaweedy, the beach is either too sandy or rocky, they don't want to go anyway but not going out is boring. I'm with you. Unless your mother is going to take them, don't go!

@TremblingFanjo sending a lot of sympathy. One of the kids doesn’t want to go away. They don’t especially like going out. I love going away but our last trip away involved our youngest screaming. A lot. And laying on the floor. A lot. It wasn’t much fun for any of us.

Does she not know how stressful change can be for people with ASD and their parents?

I'd be very surprised if they felt hard done by for you not dragging them away from all their support systems and familiar routines.

My mum is very much of the force them out of it variety. Occasional bursts of sympathy and understanding but mostly how my kids should live a similar life to that of neurotypical children.

Tell her you're going to go abroad in October half term. Then don't go.

@Almostfifty actually that’s a really good idea. I’ve just seen another thread where the poster is asking for ideas of what to do in the rain and we’d planned to go there. My kids indoors somewhere different wouldn’t work so I’m glad we’re not going. My husband has said he will still take some time off and we can do some day trips. Not the same but better than sad and miserable kids in the rain.