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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To nudge my sister about my DS's birthday

16 replies

rvby · 08/08/2019 16:27

DS turned 7 a couple of days ago. He is a lovely little boy, utterly ungrabby, bright and empathetic.

My sister isn't very fond of me but I try my best to keep the relationship going. I send birthday cards, I text her and her family members on special days, send Christmas cards and small gifts. I set up a day out halfway between our locations once a year to try to give my DS some semblance of normality, so that he sees his aunt, uncle and cousins at least once a year.

My sister and I are the only members of our family in this country and my DS's dad is NC with his entire family. :( My DS, whenever there is a "my family" assignment at school, will dutifully draw a picture of me and my ex, and my sister and her family. She's really all he has except my DM who is as useless and lives in another country and doesn't give a fuck (sent a text at 4pm, no card).

Anyway, my sister has gone and ignored my DS birthday. And he noticed.

He wasn't upset about it per se, but he was excited to check the post because "Aunty DSis's card will be there" and it wasn't. She didn't text either, she didn't call, basically she doesn't give a fuck I think.

So my AIBU is: AIBU to message her, diplomatically, and say "look I know life is so busy, but just wanted you to know that DS really values hearing from you on his bday and he noticed that he didn't this year, if you could manage to text him I think it would really make his day next year" and leave it at that?

He isn't looking for a gift, the most she's ever given him is a pair of shorts or something like that, it's just that he loves cards, both sending and receiving them. Or even if she'd just text him (via me), that would have been enough.

Thoughts?

I just want my son to have some family. If he had never met my sister, it wouldn't matter, but he asks after her and so on... it hurts.

OP posts:

isthatapugunicorn · 08/08/2019 16:28

leave it. You can't force her

Newmumma83 · 08/08/2019 16:34

Wow so sorry your son has such a shitty family outside of his parents

I would perhaps mention in passing that it didn’t arrive and your sure it just got lost in the post ( could have happened )

I take it she likes her nephew at least?

Sounds like I have a closer relationship
With my friends daughters, her loss ☹️

Handmaid2019 · 08/08/2019 16:34

I would definitely text her. Hopefully she's just genuinely forgotten?

Mad6kids · 08/08/2019 16:35

Ah your poor ds and poor you ! In this situation I would maybe sit him down and say aunt was so busy she must have forgotten the date but he is your number 1 and do something fun with him eg football in the garden, dvd and popcorn etc . Really crappy of her though 😏

Owlbert · 08/08/2019 16:36

I would text. We have family members on both sides who let ours down with things like this but no where near that extent. It's heartbreaking when the child is old enough to realise

Original poster

rvby · 08/08/2019 16:49

I take it she likes her nephew at least?

You know, I feel like she does but I may just be deluding myself. When she does see him, she'll ask him things like "when are you coming to visit at our house" etc. etc. (she is actually saying that to me though - she is making a dig iyswim - maybe i need to rethink that).

Sounds like I have a closer relationship
With my friends daughters, her loss

My friend sent him a card, from her and her dds. He was so grateful and touched. It is her loss, I just wish he didn't have to experience that loss himself.

OP posts:

tomatoesandstew · 08/08/2019 17:14

I come from a family who are rubbish at card sending - including myself. It's not unreasonable to nudge. We do lots of nudging. I think you can assume she forgot until proven otherwise.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 08/08/2019 18:39

He's only experiencing 'loss' because you are projecting your feelings onto him.

Marnie76 · 09/08/2019 17:11

Herocomplex · 09/08/2019 17:17

I think this all matters a great deal to you, and you’re realising that your family are just not there. Of course children are sensitive to family relationships but this all sounds very tense. You need to minimise the importance of this, and be honest about and deal with your own feelings.

shinynewapple · 09/08/2019 17:25

When do you normally get together with your sister? Could you try to arrange a meet up over the next couple of weeks and text something like 'hi was wondering if you wanted to meet up over next couple of weeks whilst DS on holiday? We are having a quiet holiday so far - apart from DS birthday celebrations last week - and I know he really loves to see you '

So you are dropping the birthday into the conversation without overtly telling her off for missing it. My brother and I aren't very good around birthdays but we are in touch by text once a month or so, so I tend to bring DS birthday into the conversation just in a chatty way as bit of a reminder .

HeyMonkey · 09/08/2019 17:49

He'd probably be better off not knowing any family.

A family who makes no effort and doesn't give a shit is worse.

Do you have good friends?

ColaFreezePop · 09/08/2019 17:53

Your sister could have forgotten. Give her a polite nudge.

You aren't a close family so it is easy to forget others birthdays.

AgentJohnson · 09/08/2019 17:55

You do need to accept your sis for who she is and not who want her to be, the sooner you do, the sooner your son will too.

dollydaydream114 · 09/08/2019 17:56

Are you sure it's really your son who is the one that's bothered by this?

He sees your sister once a year at a neutral location. I doubt he'd be at all bothered about her if you didn't keep talking about her.

I completely understand why you'd want him to have a relationship with family, but if you and your sister don't get on, and she 'isn't very fond' of you, I'm not sure it's particularly healthy to try to force this relationship. It's shitty that your sister forgot, or didn't bother, to send her nephew a card, but ultimately it does sound a great deal as if she isn't very interested, and I don't think you can make her be.

Hadalifeonce · 09/08/2019 20:36

We have had this for years, now ds is much older and couldn't care less about seeing them. He has never expected a gift, but when he was small, he was s little upset that he got cards from other family members but not them. I tried making excuses, but he knew that they couldn't be bothered.

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