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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner is out 2- 3x a week is this reasonable?

24 replies

mothertoo · 08/08/2019 16:14

Hi would like some advice,

I'm pregnant and have 1 DD who is 7 years old. ( DD is not my partners biological child but we have been together for 3 years and live together for 2 years)

My partner goes out 2x a week, generally its to the pub, and then usually on a Saturday after to a later bar sometimes till 1/2 am in the morning!

I think this is really unfair on me, every week to go out. He has said Im controlling and hes going to see his friends and its unfair for me to ask him to stay in and he likes to socialise.

Before i was pregnant he never went out as much, as we would often do things together but I'm so tired and i cant drink or really enjoy a night out.

This is causing major arguments in our household.

Any advice is welcome x

Thanks x

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 08/08/2019 16:51

I don't think he's unreasonable as long as he looks after the dc when you go out and you do things as a family too

NoSauce · 08/08/2019 16:55

Could you go for a meal or to the cinema? You don’t have to be out late, it’s just time together. I don’t think it’s really fair to expect him to stay in all the time just because you don’t want to go out.

Nautiloid · 08/08/2019 16:55

My husband goes out twice a week, just to one of his friend's houses to game.
It works fine for us, but that's key, isn't it? Whatever arrangements you come to need to work for both of you.
When my children were babies, we had rows about him going out as much. In reality, it was probably once a week or even slightly less but I struggled with it. He did cut right back but, with hindsight, I feel I was being unreasonable, but then I was very depressed at the time.
It's hard to say what you should do. My instinct would be just to talk about how you each feel and come to an agreement, but it depends how your relationship works in general as in some couples that wouldn't work.
In your case it may be complicated by money...my husband spends £0-£5 on a night out but obviously your partner's nights will cost a lot more.

Pinkout · 08/08/2019 17:01

Not unreasonable if you were happy with it and had similar opportunities to spend time with friends. It is unreasonable that he’s doing it despite you obviously being unhappy with it.

Original poster

mothertoo · 08/08/2019 17:30

We do cinema sometimes, its more a case of he doesn't invite me to do cinema / meals as he wants to be out drinking.

I work FT (9-6pm) so does he... so although we live together I'm in bed early week days we are both tired i just want him to make a bit more effort.

OP posts:

Original poster

mothertoo · 08/08/2019 17:32

i wouldn't mind if it was to a friends house but this is to the bars/clubs where everyone is drinking ect music playing. Its not like hes having a few quiet beers with his friends if you know what im mean.

i also feel a bit frumpy and not myself as im pregnant so im thinking "oh loads of women out looking good while im at home in my pjs on my own."

OP posts:

NoSauce · 08/08/2019 17:33

But you said before you were pregnant he didn’t go out as much as you would do things together but now you’re pregnant you’re too tired?

tabbycat985 · 08/08/2019 17:43

Do you think he's trying to have a last hoorah before baby comes? I know my husband did something similar but it was more because I was a hormonal wreck & never wanted to go out

Original poster

mothertoo · 08/08/2019 17:45

Maybe i didn't explain properly - We would go out, as in get a babysitter go to a bar have a night out or have a drink together ect.

Now im pregnant im too tired to be going to bars i cant drink and not much fun watching him drink.

in the last 6 weeks hes been out 2x every weekend - bar one weekend cause i was really upset.

No suggestions to do a nice meal together, cinema or jst chill in. When i say he doesn't want to do anything with me he says hes indoors every night with me.... i jsut think its really rude.

i wouldn't mind every other weekend but 2x a week every weekend i think hes taking the piss.

OP posts:

Original poster

mothertoo · 08/08/2019 17:46

@tabbycat985 yes maybe he is doing that, my sister said her partner did something similar.
Im just scared hes going to continue doing that x

OP posts:

NoSauce · 08/08/2019 17:47

Ok can you talk to him again and tell him you’d like to go out for a meal instead of him going out?

Original poster

mothertoo · 08/08/2019 17:48

@NoSauce i have tried to talk to him, explained that i fele really left out and just be nice to spend time bu he still does the same thing everyweekend :(

OP posts:

LordNibbler · 08/08/2019 17:49

And is he still going to be doing this once the baby is here? Or is it just your life that will changing, and he will just carry on like he is?

MsSquiz · 08/08/2019 17:50

Have you suggested to him that you go out? Rather than waiting for him to suggest it to you.

He's probably thinking you don't want to go out, he does, so he'll make plans with his friends.

Original poster

mothertoo · 08/08/2019 17:53

@LordNibbler this is exactly what Im scared off. I was a single mum before i met him for 4 years, on my own.

We tried for this baby and now hes acting like this its really upsetting a and quite scary i don't want to be on my own with 2 kids.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 08/08/2019 17:53

Do you have friends to go out with? See them without him, maybe? It sounds like you're too dependent on him

Original poster

mothertoo · 08/08/2019 17:55

@MsSquiz oh he knows iv suggested a few times.

OP posts:

MsSquiz · 08/08/2019 17:58

@mothertoo then why don't you say to him "we are going out to bar/restaurant on Friday, ok?" (Whatever day he doesn't have plans)

If he still refuses to go out with you, then go out with your own friends?

kitk · 08/08/2019 17:58

Hm it's tricky. I also have DD7 who isn't my partner's and he does go to gym 3x a week, work late the other 2 days and has at least 1 night out a month with his friends. I don't mind this and like the alone time with DD. I also appreciate him spending time with her, he also looked after her single handedly for 3 days recently while I went abroad to a funeral, but it's not his job to look after her. That being said, if I was pregnant I'd want to know he'd change his behaviour when baby was born and although he should still have his time away, so should you, so if you wanted to go to gym after baby (which I don't think you should- you should go drink wine with your friends instead!) he should stay home with both kids once a week to facilitate that

user1493413286 · 08/08/2019 18:00

How’s it going to be once the baby is born is the big question. For me that is too much especially as once you’ve had the baby you’re going to end up feeling physically stuck in the house.

tabbycat985 · 08/08/2019 20:04

The fact that you tried for this baby means he's committed to you both & is probably just scared of the lifestyle change.
You could remind him that when the baby arrives, you aren't expecting him to be under house arrest & he can still go out & see his friends but it would be nice to spend time together as a family now before the dynamic changes?

Littlemissdaredevil · 08/08/2019 20:16

I hate to say this but some men carry on like nothing is changed when their partner has a baby. My DH did and it almost broke me. Do you get three evenings of leisure time each week? Does he pull his weight in the house?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/08/2019 20:19

Hi OP

I think every couple has different dynamics and finds different things acceptable. But if hes changed since you became pregnant then I think that's not on - you agree to have baby assuming things will be thr same and it's not fair to then move the goalposts when you've already committed. If things were fair and you did the same as him then if you were both out 3x a week that would be one night in 7 spent together as a couple.

Its controlling to say someone cant go out. It's not controlling to say you're upset that your partner doesnt want to spend any quality time with you or go out anywhere with you.

Original poster

mothertoo · 09/08/2019 06:30

Thank you for all your comments. Xx I feel a lot better for discussing and not mad! I think the best think to do is try to get some sort of compromise so I’m not going to moan this weekend, I’m going to say what NIGHT (1x) are you going out? as the other night we can do something. Hopefully this helps me and him not to argue it’s not worth the stress for new baby, my daughter or myself.
Although If he doesn’t change then I’m not going to be putting up with this for the rest of my life. Xx

OP posts:

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