To break away from my family

[Icecreamalldaylong]

Last weekend I had an end-of-the-world-style show down with my DM over issues that have been snowballing over some time.

The centre of the storm is my only sibling (DSis). We are both in our 30s albeit at opposite ends of the decade. I have spent a lot of time living away from home due to study and work - always being very independent but despite that have been family orientated and always tried to be the responsible eldest child and look after my small family.

DSis and I have had our normal share of ups and downs, but with time I learnt to just step back and asked fewer Qs so she didn't think I was interfering. This seemed to work.
I then got married a few years ago and moved to another city (few hours away from family).

Since getting married I've noticed my DS's attitude towards me slowly shift. It went from being excited to visit and staying in touch to utter disdain - this was usually demonstrated passive aggressively, I'd often be left out of the loop in whatever went on in her life, every now and again I'd be completely ignored, when she would visit with DM it was obvious she was just there as a chauffeur for mum and was compelled to be there. I don't know why she started to resent me so much. I genuinely don't know what I did. I was just getting on with having an amazing time with DH. On occasion when the ignorance became too much, i sent her texts to say that although we don't need to be close, I do require some respect/dignity and that she should be honest about what she wants/doesn't want from me. I've never had a response.

Now the real problem begins when my DM, being witness to all the drama between us, still expects me to bend backwards for DSis - often guilt tripping me. Most of this has been bearable until DSis got engaged and we started arranging the wedding. I was run ragged trying to help with every part of the wedding, often both DM and DSis dropping things on me last minute and having no regard for the fact that I have a DH to think about. Her dismissive treatment of me hadn't changed and it was clear I was being used but I helped out as much as I could and do only what I wouldn't feel resentful about after. Even so, a huge argument erupted and I was accused of being a shit sister and not helping out. I was then ignored until the wedding day where she told me that I just misunderstood her! That's all!

DM told I should just let go of the past and start a fresh as the dynamics would change now she's also married.
I tried to show warmth and kindness (taking her out, had the couple over for dinner) and extended an open invite to my home if she ever needed it. Since then however, I've been ignored again, meanwhile I hear (from DM) that she is expecting. She has also been incredibly rude to my DM and ignored her too. DM has decided to forgive and forget (as she always has) in the same vicious cycle with DSis where it's gets so intolerable that she sweeps all the issues under the carpet and they carry on as if nothing happened. Especially so now that she is going to become a DGM!

I've decided to draw a line with DSis and walk away from her resent, hatred and disregard of me. However my DM and I keep clashing as she refuses to take any responsibility in this. I feel DM also was active in using me when i served a purpose for my sis and never stood up for me. DM was aware of what has been going on and just kept guilt tripping me to continue but now everything is done - DM's opinion is that it's not her problem, and DSis and I should go our separate ways.
All the while DH and I have been dealing with some serious infertility problems ourselves and are going through a really challenging time.

So sorry for the long story. But AIBU to cut both of them out of my life?

Yanbu

I think it would be wise to go low contact, to preserve your own sanity. If that still isn't allowing you to live without extra stress then perhaps NC is the best way to go.

Do you have to go straight to “cutting them out”.... would they ever entertain family/relationship therapy with you? Or if not, perhaps some therapy for yourself so that you can emotionally detach from it all.

I’m not against NC with family (myself and my DC are NC with PILs) BUT I really feel it should be a last resort for truely abusive and toxic people with whom any kind of constructive or positive relationship is just not possible.... if you emotionally detached from your DSis and your DMs guilt trips so they it didn’t affect you/just washed off you would it be possible to maintain contact?

I do sympathise as I have a similar dynamic with my DSis. DM has narc tendencies and DSis was golden childh and I was scapegoat. Was often encouraged to “be nice” and “keep the peace” when DSis was being an A Grade B towards me.

I just detached from it all many years ago and told my DM the topic is closed for discussion. Probably only see DSis about once every 12-18 months and I am just civil and polite as I would be to an acquaintance

for your fertility troubles with your DSis now being pregnant though, that’s hard

Thank you for the response. I've reposted this in "relationships" section as I thought it was more appropriate there.

I hear what you're saying @Absofrigginlootly and I agree some sort of mediation would help....if only they were reasonable enough to step out of their "victim" mentality.
I have never seen either of them take accountability for their behaviour - sis is a grand manipulator but DM is also quite self centred and refuses to take responsibility for anything.
I have tried on so many occasions to say why I'm upset to DM but seems to change nothing. I feel awful for shouting at her and sending her home but also feel equally awful for myself. Stepping back and taking control has helped me feel less shitty about it but I can't deny how heartbreaking it is to feel so disposable.

i would go very low contact in your position.
whatever your dsis reason she doesnt want to tell, maybe embarrassed to tell.
your dm is not a good mediator, sometimes being selfish.
in this situation there is nothing more you can do. you did your best.
it sounds all they do is give you pain. for your sanity go very low contact and grey rock.

Since getting married I've noticed my DS's attitude towards me slowly shift. It went from being excited to visit and staying in touch to utter disdain - this was usually demonstrated passive aggressively, I'd often be left out of the loop in whatever went on in her life, every now and again I'd be completely ignored, when she would visit with DM it was obvious she was just there as a chauffeur for mum and was compelled to be there. I don't know why she started to resent me so much. I genuinely don't know what I did. I was just getting on with having an amazing time with DH.

Just re read this little snippet Op and think long and hard why your sister dosnt care for you.

At a guess, ds didn’t like the change of dynamic when you got married. Are you a people pleaser? You seem to work awfully hard on the family relationship, then you married, your dh was your focus (rightly), and your ds was no longer centre of attention so she was envious & felt left out.

I’d go quietly lower contact. Not NC. Cut the effort back to birthdays and Xmas for a while. Congratulate her on dc, meet baby and leave it at that, until she makes the next move..

Perhaps your sister resented looking after your DM whilst you - to use your words 'I got on with having an amazing time with my DH'. You even refer to your sister as a chauffeur - driving your DM to visit you in your city. Your relationship with your sister seems very complicated but your language about her is very emotive and not with out judgement. Perhaps the two of you are best left to some time apart. It will do you both good.

However, I do think you are flogging a dead a horse with your DM. It sounds as if your sister has always been around and you have been elsewhere. You say you spent a lot of time away due to work and study. Your sister may be 'emotional' but it seems as if she took over the info download etc., and promptly left you out. I think you are asking too much of your DM. You can't ask her to take sides or responsibility when your sister is present in her local life. Most mothers want their children to get along and are loathe to take sides. For what ever reasons your DM wants to brush the clashes with your sister under the carpet. If you want a relationship with your DM accept that she is not going ro give you a full confession or acknowledge responsibility. No amount of shouting at her or throwing her out will change that. Can you live with that? You can walk away completely, or you can have a 'let's agree not to talk it (your sister)' arrangement. You do have a choice OP. Good luck.
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