.... about the washing (Part 2)

[HostofDaffodils]

I posted before about our household laundry. A year or so after he retired my husband took on this task. This was because 'he was unable to see what needed doing' and 'I just needed to tell him what household jobs needed to be done.' So the solution was for him to take responsibility for particular tasks.

Unfortunately this meant having to listen to him talking a very great deal to me for days and nights at a time about the weather and how he might or might not do the washing and he might have to take it in or not peg it out. And then he'd drape thick towels over the cold radiators. After the boredom of this reduced me to screaming point I bought a tumble dryer. Things have been slightly better since then.

I had also discussed with him that his tendency to just take the stuff off the top of a full laundry hamper means that some garments, which may be needed/wanted, get left for ages. He nodded in the way which means he doesn't really think it's that important.

Sadly my husband has a new obsession at the moment and this has meant a deterioration in his ability to do the washing. We also recently bought new beds - so we have twin singles rather than a double. We currently don't have that many fitted cotton sheets for singles. At the moment it's just two on the beds and a spare two. The newest pair of fitted sheets are still rather shiny and starchy so - until the starch has worn off - I find I can only sleep well on the older softer two sheets in this warm weather.

Over the summer I am particularly busy juggling two different freelance jobs both of which are proving quite demanding. My husband has some social groups which are continuing to meet over the summer but can essentially just please himself.

Anyway over 2 weeks ago I changed one soft sheet from my bed, put it in the basket and put the spare soft one on. (My husband knows that we're currently short of single sheets and that I find the softer pair more comfortable)

I keep waiting for the old soft sheet to go through the laundry but my husband is very preoccupied so I keep reminding him to put washing on. And my daughter has come home and puts a lot of extra stuff in the hamper.

Two days back thinking the soft sheet on my bed is really in need of a change, I look on the shelf where we store the clean bedding. The spare isn't there. It's still in the laundry hamper, which is filling up. I ask him to put a load of laundry on.

Last night I think, 'Finally I can change my bedding.'

Only to find it's still at the bottom of the laundry hamper. My husband has been scooping everything off the top of the pile which means for weeks he's been leaving my only spare sheet unwashed.

I went and pointed this out to him. His replies were

a) 'Sacrifices have to be made'. (This means he can't wash everything that's in the hamper. Some stuff has to be left.) and b) I 'should have told him' that I particularly wanted the only spare sheet washed.

Would this make you feel fed up?

If you divorce you might well get half the house and half his pension given what you've given up... ( I am not a lawyer)

I couldn’t be bothered faffing over a sheet. Wash it then stick it in the tumble drier. Job done. My husband is ill so I do everything in the house and have a full time job - being tired is just part of life. Sounds as if he’ll only do what he wants to do so you’re wasting your time going over this.

When i do the washing, i do the washing.....everything in the baskets. If there are a couple of things left and not enough for a full load, i leave them in the machine and add that day's clothes later. To only do one load when there is more than one loads worth is just ridiculous. Either he does the job properly or he gets a full time job.

You need to get 2 more sets of bedding OP.
It doesn't sound as if your domestic set up is organised enough to just have 2 sets per bed.
Would it help if DH allocated one specific day every week as "washing day" and stuck to it?

Taking into account everything you've said about your long term situation I think it comes down to making things as bearable as possible for now. With that in mind, this is what I'd do. Blitz the washing basket over the next few days until it's completely empty. Then tell him the current situation is ridiculous, he's supposed to be taking care of the laundry but there are still items which aren't getting done. The basket is now empty so he has a clean slate but his job is now to keep to a routine where it's completely emptied every week.

I would put it forward as a solution to a problem rather than issuing an order, purely in the interests of not deliberately starting a row but it needs to be clear that this is what him taking care of the laundry entails. Point out that doing half a job builds resentment, and that you don't have enough stuff for things to languish in the basket, all of which is eminently reasonable and (hopefully!) difficult for him to argue with.

It seems pointless for me to comment or advise on the bigger problems, largely because I can see the logic in what you say about your future, but I hope you can find ways to make things more manageable for now

Jesus - just buy some more single sheets and wash them four times so that they're at the level of softness you require.

Your husband sounds like an arse.

Just do it yourself ! It's not hard - toss the stuff in the machine, come back later and toss it into the dryer. Assuming it's just the two of you there, you're making this a much bigger thing than it needs to be.

On one level, yes 'it's only a sheet'

And yes, we could do with more of them. But there are some cotton-polyester fitted sheets (not cool enough) and some plain cotton double sheets (more fiddly to put on the beds as it means moving the twin beds apart and also moving bedside tables.) So as the new beds had cost a small fortune I'd not bought many new sheets and thought I'd wait for a sale to pick up some more.)

I suppose it's about six years - husband went part-time for a year then retired five years back - of trying to get my husband to take more responsibility for chores. Endless conversations. I had one only last night saying that to avoid this recurring you either take stuff from the bottom of the hamper - or just have a look at all the dirty laundry to prioritise garments etc that are particularly likely to be needed, and leave the stuff that is rarely worn/that there's lots of for another time. Not rocket science. Spouse has two degrees from the sorts of universities that Mumsnetters are always trying to get their children into.

I think it's mainly feeling very tired in a relationship that's been going on for nearly twenty-five years. One in which I've given him a huge amount of practical and emotional support . But where, it seems, there isn't enough flexibility and adaptability. I'm not saying that it's been completely one way traffic, but that the balance has been very much about me enabling others. And him in particular.

He does make fitful attempts to placate me - but they always wear off after a few days. A fortnight at most. So I feel rather distrustful of the brief phases where he rushes around being helpful. As if it's just part of the same old cycle.

Essentially I feel as if I'm having to dig into my own resources to find my own way forward. Which is lonely at times - but probably necessary.