Dementia and Grandchildren

[WWYD2016]

Hiya, posting here for traffic, I didn't get any response within the Elderly Parents thread...I would really appreciate your opinions.
My mother who lives in a nursing home has recently had a Dementia diagnosis, it came as no surprise.
For at least the last year or more, when my mother was lucid, I had repeatedly threatened not to bring my children, her grandchildren to visit if she continued to burden them with her ails and perceived injustices.
I tried many times to explain they do not have the capacity to help her and their visits with her leave them feeling sad, angry and frustrated.
I her daughter should be the one she moans to, her grandchildren are for pleasure and fun.
I'd keep them away, she'd promise to behave, I'd bring them, she'd, as I call it perform; cry, complain, implore them to help her.
Role on to her deteriorated present, I'm still having the same conversations but now I realise it's a waste of time.
Over the last few months my visits with mom have been great, I go along with whatever she says whether it makes sense or not as it really makes for a happy jolly time, I felt confident yay, I'll bring the kids next visit.
As soon as she saw them I witnessed the transition, her body sagged, her mouth dropped and her eyes teared up, obviously her grandchildren immediately went to comfort her and she proceeded to tell them she was being raped daily by the female and male carers. I was horrified, my 10, 13 & 16 year old were visibly shocked into silence.
I took them away within 30 minutes and explained to them it wasn't true it's her mind blah, blah blah.
My 16 year old understand but I'm not convinced the younger 2 truly do.
It's been a month and I have not pressured them to visit her, though my 16 year old has once, independently.
Coincidentally she has never mentioned the rape again, not once.
I do not know whether I am doing the right thing or not. On one hand her issues are not theirs, she adores them and I am withholding them, on the other hand is it right they have a living grandmother but never see her, hey, I'll be an old lady one day myself, I don't want them to have the notion it'd be okay to put me in a home and never visit.
What do you think?

The first thing we were told by my nans care home was, even if she says there's a monkey climbing the wall, just agree with her.
There is no point in arguing, the person with dementia doesn't understand, and it will just wind them up more.

I'm so sorry that she's been upsetting the children. Thankfully my Nan is lovely when she sees my dd, but she still does and says odd things. Dd is 9, but understands that nanny's brain is broken.
If they want to see her, let them. They are old enough to understand what's wrong with her, and so if they aren't happy seeing her, don't force them.

We used to take my children to see Grandpa is his home, but we had a plan so that I would take the children straight to his room and someone else would go to find him and bring him up. My children were frightened by the other patients and there was no need to expose them to that. Dad was fairly peaceful so I didn’t have the same experience that you are having, we did used to take photos, dvds, music etc and games for the children. Many years later I’m glad they visited, I think it was less mysterious somehow than just wondering where Grandpa had gone, and it gave them a better understanding of what happens in life now. They still remember him with fondness but have a compassionate understanding that life is cruel sometimes. I’d say perhaps they could visit occasionally but with some of the distraction ideas suggested ? And talk to them, the jigsaw analogy is great, I used to say that all the pipe work in his brain is starting to get blocked up, and ( for example) the bit that sends messages to tell him it’s not ok to take his clothes off has become blocked so he doesn’t understand that any more, it’s not a choice he is making.
Dementia is crap, undignified for the person concerned and heart breaking for the rest of the family.
Hope you’re ok

Just to add, and I mean this with kindness, it doesn’t sound like you’re well acquainted with the many forms and paths this disease can take. The behaviour of dementia sufferers can be maddeningly frustrating and difficult to manage, but it’s worth bearing in mind that it’s usually totally involuntary. Even when your mum appears to be acting awkwardly or inappropriately whilst completely lucid and rational, you have to remember that she’s not in control of her thoughts and actions, that whole sections of her brain are not functional and behavioural norms don’t apply.

All of which can be muddied if that person has previous form for being in any way difficult or self-indulgent. IME someone’s most negative traits can often appear to come to the fore, which can make it harder to stay patient. They can become incredibly intransigent but without the capacity to understand rational requests or arguments, so it can feel like they’re being deliberately difficult.

There’s a lot of good info out there which can help you cope - def worth spending a bit of time researching if you can.

Although should add if they genuinely don’t want to go don’t force them, you say you’re eldest has been since which is lovely.

Looks like I was lucky. My mum had vascular dementia she was in a care home for 6yrs. She loved visits from her grandchildren and great grandchildren. She would sing and dance with them.Mum also had a doll, which at first the kids thought was weird. It was sad that she wasn't aware that they were related to her.
I understand that not all dementia patients are like that.
Do what you think is best.

My mum made the decision to have a final goodbye visit for me and my siblings when my grandmother had a brain tumour (similar impact) largely because she (my grandmother) wouldn't have wanted our last memory of her to be that. It's such a positive memory. A few years later, at 16, I made a different choice and kept seeing my great aunt to the end. 20 years and I still have nightmares about the anger and hate in her expression, for years I secretly believed she'd felt that way about me all along. She was the most loving, wonderful woman and would be devastated by that.

My dc will stop seeing my MIL at some point in the next year or so. She makes sexually inappropriate comments that they can't understand at 5 but are starting to question, she gets angry at them randomly and has been violent to DH. At the moment it's rare and we can control the situation but I don't want them to remember their loving, playful, funny grandma as a violent, frightening woman. She won't really know she's not seeing them - she doesn't really remember seeing them now - and she deserves better than being let to scare them.

My children saw my mum up until she died. It was very upsetting for them - particularly at the end when she lost all power of speech but when we talk about her, one of the things they remember most is how happy she was when my youngest hugged her the last time they saw her. It showed in her face at that moment and it is a lovely memory for them. She was bonkers at times and said some horrible and sometimes utterly crazy stuff but we learnt to laugh and distract and laugh again on the way home whilst remembering who she was before the dementia took hold. It really helps to get a grip on what dementia does to a person - my biggest regret is my anger and frustration in the early days when her memory was clearly going but I tried desperately to reason with her and make her understand. Truth is, my mum was gone in mind and there was nothing I could do to get her back.

Be kind to yourself. Hard days ahead.

You're doing the right thing by keeping your children away OP; protecting your children comes first and foremost, over any other family member.

It sounds absolutely horrendous and that must have been awful for your kids to hear. You're not being unreasonable and you should at no moment feel guilty or doubt your actions regarding this.