Do I approach 'D"SM or best just block her?

[demureandgraceful]

I never had and issue with 'D'SM, I did not even realise she was my SM as none in the family knew they had married until my DF passed away. I am an only child so it has always been a given that the old toy train set I used to put together with DF as a child and spend hours playing together with would one day be mine.

Now 'D'SM thinks as his widow all that was his belongs to her now. I did research and by right it should be split between myself, her, and my grandmother (outside the uk). She is holding pretty much everything hostage in her new home and the old upper section of the house above my grandmother that she shared with my father. She locked the door to her part so none of us can get in. She has generously said I can have a few of the trains but she is keeping all my father's books. He was an avid reader and even published a few books. This is after she originally said the trains are mine of course.

I am upset as this is the only connection my children will have with their grandfather and know him. They will never get to know him in person, they will never be able to bond with him. The train set is literally all I had to connect them to him with as 'D'SM took all the photos and vidoes that were unlucky to be upstairs in her half along with everything else. She is basically taking everything that is not glued or nailed to the upper half of the house with her.

Last time i tried to confront her she ended up shouting at my 90 year old grandmother. I am in England so unable to protect her. Do I try approach her again to ask her to give me a list of the trains so I can try recreate the set? Or do I try once she finally moves out to demand the train set? I am absolutely heart broken things turned out this way. I am torn between just blocking her number and forgetting about her and texting her if she insists as his widow she inherits all my dad's assets she can also inherit his debts and owes me 10 grand. I have not mentioned this as I know this is what she used to buy her new house and if that is what it took to get her out of our lives so be it.

What did his will specify?

@Contraceptionismyfriend there was no will because responsible as ever though my father has been on dialysis 3 times a week the last 5-6 years of his life he never sorted one out

Could you not use official legal channels? If your father owed you £10,000 and all you're asking for is a train set, surely your step-mother should be legally informed that she owes you £10,000, but that you are willing to accept the train set instead?

@CherrySocks I am just scared if I say anything now she will march down to my gran to scream and shout at her again. My gran was so scared last time she was shaking. This was only because my gran rang me to tell me she was moving all the stuff into the new home and was very upset. I texted her and said I was confused and asked what was going on and why she was removing things that were mine

Can you get some legal advice in rl

Is she definitely his widow? Is there a marriage certificate? If you die without a will it’s called dying intestate (night have spelt that wrong) in England and Wales. If you have a spouse they get all your personal belongings and 250,000 of the estate. Anything else is split between the children. However if they weren’t actually legally married then it’s all yours. But you have to apply for letters of administration and nothing should actually be removed from the house before this as the estate has to pass through probate.
Not a lawyer just having to go through this kind of thing myself at the moment. But as I say that’s England and Wales. Not sure on anywhere else.

You can look up marriage certificates and registries to see if she’s actually telling the truth about it as well. Also call citizens advice but best bet is to get a solicitor involved and stop her removing anything else

@Thehop I will ask my DM lawyer if there is anything that can be done. On one hand I am scared to drag out a legal process as I just want her out my life by now. The first two days of the I was sick and had constant migraine as I really don't cope with stress.

@UpsydaisyandIgglePiggleareatit it is not in the UK and yes it was needed after my dad passed away which is how we all found out. I had never seen DG so mad in my life and she was even on the verge of not going to my DF funeral she was so livid. They had gone to the town hall early and was woken up by shouting. Was not the best way to learn DF had been married over 10 years

It is a really stressful thing to go through and if you don’t think it’s worth the hassle and toll on your mental health, it would be best to walk away. Just make sure your Gran is well and safe throughout this. Hugs and I hope it doesn’t get you down too much.

@UpsydaisyandIgglePiggleareatit that is what my mum says. It was really getting to my health. Might just drop her a line for the list before blocking her. It's not the same but it's as close as I will get. DP has been very supportive through all this saying we will make new family traditions and I still have my memories of him.

Sorry you are going through this. So many questions: were you and your father not close? Why didn’t you know he was married? Did you speak to him regularly and he just never told you? How did the loan come about? Was it really a loan or a gift? Does she not know about that?

If I understand this right your dad lied to you about being married and to her about borrowing money of you? (Or withheld rather then lied.) Why? By the sounds of it he didn’t care much about whether you would get along given he has made a good job of keeping you two quite in the dark about important aspects of each other. I think I would walk away from this if you really think pursuing it would come back to harm your grandmother.

@NotStayingIn We were close. I adored my DF and was very much a daddy's girl growing up.

My best guess the reason he never said anything to anyone is he was worried being written out of the will in order to protect my inheritance in my DG eyes. My best guess is he was trying to protect 'D'SM as he knew my DG would make sure she did not get anything so if married he would be out the will. All of his actions seem to indicate he was trying to protect SM. There might also be a pragmatic reason that they married to get her to be able to stay in the country with him etc. What ever his motives he kept us all out of the loop.

I am not sure how much she knows but she never mentioned it and as he passed away before ever paying back a penny I was not sure how to approach her. I also wanted to avoid my GD finding out as I knew that would be a further stab in the heart and she would not accept not giving me the money in some shape or form so was worried about her mentioning it to my gran. He owes my DM 20 grand which she will never see. We both agree to not mention it to protect my DG who has been through enough in her life.

If you could afford to lose the £10k maybe it is best to draw a line under it then. You know your dad loved you. He kept certain things secret, you’re kind to accept that and try and resolve things within those parameters. I like your letter idea. It sounds a bit like the SM feels threatened, going by her difficult and slightly grabby hoarding behaviour. So maybe a letter that is very sympathetic, thanking her for the generous gift of the trains so far, explaining you would love a full set if possible but you appreciate it might be difficult for her, might get her to feel less defensive. I mean, I would want to punch her personally and threaten her with a law suit but that’s probably not the way forward! Really sorry you have to deal with all of this. X

@NotStayingIn thank you for the kind words. I went through various emotions and stages of wanting to give her a piece of my mind and threaten with a law suit but I think deep down my DP and DM are right in that she is not worth the health this would cost me. Though not an insignificant amount it is money I can afford to lose and my DM has compensated me some of the loss though I told her there was no need.

I agree she probably feels defensive as none of us took the news too well. I guess in her eyes the family we have each other while she only has what ever possessions she had upstairs to remind her of my dad. So far I have no trains as I said I had no need till I have a child so I think best way forward is to ask my DG which trains are a bit more special i.e. like his first train etc and request some of them saying I would appreciate the full set but if she can at least send xyz I will be for ever grateful.

We are lucky my mum still had copies of the books my dad wrote so getting them is easier. I might take them to my DG next time I visit as I know she was very very upset about them.