Found out my Dad has fathered another child!

[Longlongsummer]

I’m late 40s, with a family of my own. I have a positive but very distant relationship with my father. My brothers are more angry with him as he’s very distant and puts his second family first. He left when I was young. He remarried and had two more kids.

Yesterday my mother casually said that of my father’s many affairs, before they divorced, the one that most affected her was the married woman that he got pregnant! Apparently she and her husband were trying for kids with no luck. Apparently my Dad confessed to her, said he’d got her pregnant. Mum broke up with him and said finish it or it was over. He ended the affair and mum and Dad got back together.

When I asked my mum whether she it was on her mind that there may be another child, she dismissed it saying well who knows it could have been her husbands. I did not know what to say.

That was 35 years ago, so this potential half brother or sister is now an adult probably with a family of their own.

Now I’m stuck with this knowledge I can’t get it out of my head. I presume that both my father and this other married woman he got pregnant, just took an oath of silence in case her husband found out.

I want to ask my father about it, but I only see him once a year for one day. He’s due next month to visit. I wonder if this is the only child or there are more. It just feels wrong. AIBU in bringing it up with him? He’s getting older now, and when I tried to talk to him about having a better a relationship a few years ago (he treats me like a distant friend but his second daughter who is an adult like a good father) - he shut me down.

I also feel weird not telling my brothers but this would probably be the last straw for them.

Crikey. Thats a bombshell and a half.

I think you should calmly dial back. He got another woman pregnant. Did that pregnancy result in a child?

Take a ancestry dna test .
If the child has taken the test they will pop up .
Atleast you have a heads up if that happens .

Yes it resulted in a child.

Does dna testing really do that?

I wonder if my father kept in some kind of contact. Not sure what to think, he had a fair few affairs and obviously wasn’t that careful. This woman was someone who worked with him so they would have continued to have some contact for a while.

I would ask personally. You see him once a year. This may eat away at you. He may not like it, and he may not talk, but to be fair, he made his bed. Things have a way of coming back on someone.
Yes, if a dna relative has taken the ancestry dna test they will show as a match and if sibling/half sibling/cousin etc. I found my father this way

Thanks. I’ve sent off for dna test!

I think I need to ask him.

Take a ancestry dna test
If the child has taken the test they will pop up.
At least you have a heads up if that happens

Someone I know found out they were donor conceived after taking an Ancestry test.

Imagine that - thinking your dad was your biological father until you find loads of half siblings via Ancestry.

Bonkers but true.

Between the age of 13 and 39 my friend found he had several half siblings. Mostly by pushing. But his father wa's stubborn, even when he was on a donor list. Unfortunately some will bury those lies deep.

My uncle fathered about 4 other children with different women in the small town he lives in while cheating on my aunt. They’re still together and have their own children. I only found out 2yrs ago. He keeps it very hushed and they all met up recently and he forbid any photos on FB etc... I just think what an absolute bastard he is. Not that my aunt is any better, she’d told them all not to come sniffing around the family business as it’s not for them. I used to think quite highly of them. Ah well.

I remember my Dad being horrified that I had a share my location on my iPhone with my teenage son. It was odd my immediate thought was, that’s how my ex would have reacted, who cheated and held secrets.

I feel for a long time now my father has only liked keeping up with me if I was ‘good’, didn’t talk about the past, or challenged him.

I'd leave it alone, there's a lot of heartache for a lot of people the other way.

I’m not sure I’d ever be able to contact that half sibling.

However now I know it, and it’s bugging me. Do I just carry that knowledge to my grave and not talk about it?

Take a DNA test, it might work, although with over 70,000 matches I haven't found my Dad, or any of his family, just my mothers side.
Worth a shot though.

I think it’s pretty shit of your mum to drop that bombshell on you and even to discuss her long dead marriage in that kind of detail.

How did the conversation even come up in the first place? What’s her agenda?

I don’t see what you can even do with that info/non-info - your father may or may not have another child, he’s not interested in talking about the past and even if you did somehow manage to identify this possible half-sibling are you going to drop that grenade into their life?

I’d just leave it we’ll alone.

My dad fathered another child while he was still married to my mum. I was told about her and knew she was a couple of years younger than me. Other than that, I knew nothing else. My absolutely shithead of a twat and deadbeat father always maintained I was his only child.

A couple of years ago I asked my mum and she said that the OW ended up divorcing her husband over the affair and that it was common knowledge that the child was my dad's.

So after a few weeks of enquiries, I found the OW's exDH on Facebook and contacted him. He passed my details on to her. Wishing half an hour I had a reply off my half sister.
It turned out that she only found out that my dad was her dad a year earlier when she was ill in hospital and she knew nothing about me until I contacted her. We've met a few times and keep in contact with each other, she looks just like me.

I always knew about her but didn't want to contact her just in case it messed up her life as I didn't know if she knew who her real dad was etc, but we were in our 30s when we found each other and it's been great.

My children found out about a brother that had been born to the girl their father went out with before me, when they were all in their twenties and thirties. They contacted him and it has resulted in lovely relationships between them all. We're very happy to have him in our family. I think the bond between siblings can be very strong.

With regard the DNA test you will be relying on this possible half sibling doing the test too, so don't be too disappointed if you don't get answers this way. I'd ask him straight out, do you have any contact with that child you fathered about 35 years ago?

I would ask my dad. Doesn't sound like you have a fantastic relationship to damage.
Ask without assigning blame. You want to fit pieces together, not judge him for past actions.

I know he will be angry with me for bringing it up. However, I think his actions have affected me. Just once to have an honest conversation would be good. I’m not about berating him, but I’m a bit sick of being treated like a far off pleasant acquaintance anyway.