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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to best friends hen?

20 replies

AlphaLemon · 07/08/2019 05:30

Hi all - I’ve taken no action yet, so it’s more of a “would I be unreasonable...”

I’m currently 10+3 with first child and despite being 31, I have no close friends with babies, so could use some insight.

I would be due early March (fingers crossed if everything’s ok), but have just had an invite to a three day hen for one of my best friends for early May. Luckily it’s in the U.K. but I’m guessing it would be unrealistic for me to leave my new baby so young (and I doubt I would want to).

My solution I think would be to maybe go down for one day, and bring baby and DP with me?

What would you do? This friend lives far away and is always going the extra mile - she is very understanding but I’d hate for her to think I wasn’t making the effort?

OP posts:

Original poster

AlphaLemon · 07/08/2019 05:33

Feel the need to clarify if I did bring baba and partner, obviously not to the actual hen do, but stash them nearby for a day!

OP posts:

isabellerossignol · 07/08/2019 05:34

I think it very likely that you won't want to leave your baby. If you could take baby and dh with you that would be great, as long as they don't actually come to the hen do itself. I'm guessing you mean that you stay overnight in a hotel or whatever and dh looks after the baby while you meet up with the others for dinner or whatever? That sounds like a good compromise. Just don't bring your baby to the actual hen.

Oh and congratulations.

LizziesTwin · 07/08/2019 05:35

Not at all unreasonable, you might be due in early March & not have your baby until almost 2 wks after your due date. Better to be upfront now and say you will pop in for part of one day than have the organiser try to plan around an extra person & then you drop out.

isabellerossignol · 07/08/2019 05:35

Oh, sorry, I posted my answer whilst you were posting your second post!

RangerLady · 07/08/2019 05:38

You have no idea how you'll feel when the baby is here but at only a few weeks old you may well not want to be apart for long. Dropping in for the day seems a good idea. When I got married (no kids) my best friend hosted the hen do at hers as she had a 4 week old. Looking back I cannot believe she did this! We hung out at hers and went for dinner (she left a bit early to feed the baby) then had a morning activity. But what a lot of effort for her! I feel really honoured. So it is realistic for young drop in for a fee hours at a time / activities and then nip back to the baby for a feed etc I suppose.

pebblemix · 07/08/2019 05:39

You’re unlikely to want to leave your baby. Also, bear in mind, if you end up with a csection, you’ll have a 6 week recovery period and won’t be able to drive. I would be honest with your friend. Say you can’t commit to a 3 day hen. Ask if it’s possible to be a last minute drop in on one of the days and that you’ll do your best to make it. Don’t commit and don’t pay lots of money. Don’t take responsibility for any organisation/jobs.

Original poster

AlphaLemon · 07/08/2019 05:47

Thank you all that makes sense!
I just wanted to check I wasn’t being too naive as well really - especially as it is all so new!
DP is being strict about not saying anything until after scan, but payment not due until after then anyway, so I can wait to confess until then!

OP posts:

flumpybear · 07/08/2019 05:52

How far away is it? With both my children we drive 6 hours to our family holiday home and whilst it was ice to be away the journeys took forever as we were stopping to bf along the way and it took so much longer than normal. It would be nice to have involvement though as she's your best friend

cheesemongery · 07/08/2019 06:09

I think your solution sounds fine and with baby being only 2 months old then surely your friend will appreciate that you have made any effort.

Although that said, I wouldn't expect you to come at all if it were me, I'd probably be coming up to you shoo-ing you off to bed so I can have cuddle time with besties new baby

It sounds like it will all be fine to me, if you are close enough to call her a best friend then she will understand. If she doesn't then tough really!

jackio2205 · 07/08/2019 06:22

Truth is you dont know how you'll recover or feel about everything, but I think you should think about how you want to do things, it massively helped me. Like i had weddings and events in the diary and i worked oht plans to go etc, so if i knew i'd need a sitter i'd work out how i'd feel comfortable, so letting mum babysit for a few hours and a practice run overnight before the big event so i wouldnt feel nervous, like training myself so i could enjoy things and know mum and baby were fine!
I think tell your friend you're not going when you've had the scan (it'll make you feel better and less anxious about the decision, she'll appreciate a definite answer rather than sodding about waiting whilst she's trying to get excited!) but to keep u in the loop of plans so u can come to something if u can nearer the time maybe, like you could join them for an activity in the day or whatever? X

jackio2205 · 07/08/2019 06:25

Also just to note, obviously a baby is so huge, but if she's not had children she may not have the same perspective, so make sure you say how gutted you are you cant make it and you'll make it up to her etc etc without everything revolving round you and the baby. I've had two babies and some people just dont understand, they can accept how it is but just dont understand, so better to be decisive, give her a final decision but just ham up how gutted u are about timings so she feels special for her big day x

KitKat1985 · 07/08/2019 06:25

Sounds okay to me.

Other alternative is to suggest you treat her to a nice meal out with you at another time or similar.

Chamomileteaplease · 07/08/2019 06:28

How far away is the hen do? Because even if it's in the UK then you may not feel like travelling far with a 6-8 week old to hang out with over excited people!

And if you breastfeed you won't be able to be apart from the baby for more than about an hour at that stage surely so it will be difficult for you to fully engage with the hens.

Personally it would stress me out and I would rather not go at all. Let the bride get on with it without me. When and where is the wedding? HOpefully that will be easier for you .

Shoxfordian · 07/08/2019 06:28

Sounds like a good compromise if he comes too and looks after the baby whilst you go to the hen

Blondiemama · 07/08/2019 06:29

YANBU, definitely go for a bit if you can though. I did this when I had DS1, my very close friend had her hen do about 6 weeks after I had him but I still went a long for a bit and had a drink. She really appreciated that I’d made the effort to still go.

snackarella · 07/08/2019 06:36

I had this exact situation and as I was breast feeding I just didn't go.she had a no kids rule at her wedding 2 months later and expected me to leave my baby to go to Italy for 3 days

TwistyTop · 07/08/2019 06:44

Your plan of having DP nearby is probably the best option if you do want to go. But I agree with PPs that whilst the baby is so little you will struggle to join in with anything for more than an hour if you are EBF. And even if you intend to express you may not have established this yet. So it may be difficult to go and see the other hens without making it "all about you", iyswim.

Oysterbabe · 07/08/2019 06:54

I wouldn't have been comfortable leaving my babies that early. I breastfed and it would have been tricky anyway.

Gracie300 · 07/08/2019 07:09

You definitely won’t want to leave your baby overnight that soon. Your plan sounds good. I would however tell my best friend ASAP and not wait, just to lessen the blow for her (she should totally understand though).

AwfulMum123 · 07/08/2019 07:30

One of my bridesmaids did exactly what you’re proposing for mine. We all stayed in a big house and did various activities over the weekend and she dropped in as she was able. E.g. came for meal in the house the first night, came over at lunch time the following day to take part in the cooking based activity etc. At the time I didn’t have children so didn’t realise how amazing it was that she did this but now I’m so appreciative of the effort (since having my own DC I have made it clear what a star I thought she was in hindsight!) The baby did get brought into the house by her DP before the activity though as we were all friends and wanted to say hello! Being in our mid 30s at the time meant the whole weekend wasn’t one long booze-athon and some baby cuddles with a cup of coffee (when you can hand them back!) is always nice. Her DP whisked the baby off again once the activity leader rocked up. I felt it was an absolutely perfect compromise.

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