Trapped in Relationship with alcoholic partner

[lisaW2001]

Where do i start, iv been with my partner about 18 years and we have 3 teenage children, hes always been a drinker and i enjoyed a drink in our earlier years , now we have kids i rarely drink , only socially , problem is he drinks every night, its causing major problems in our relationship, we argue every night about his drinking, weekdays hes promised he will cut down to 4 cans a night, then i find alcohol hidden all over the place, hes sneaking them, weekends are worse, easily downing 12 cans and whatever else hes hidden, i hate it and it repulses me, im unhappy and want to end relationship as i dont think he will stop, but i dont have enough money to get another house and dont want to move kids out of they home, iv asked him to leave but he wont, he doesnt think he has a problem and he thinks its me being a bitch. He doesnt drink during the day and his drinking starts at about 7pm every night, I do still love him in a way but this is really getting me down, he promises he will cut down and does for a couple of weeks then the drinking creeps back up and then the arguements start, iv lived like this way too long hoping he will change but i cant see it now, all i want is a quiet life , any advice would be appriciated .

Oh Lisa I feel for you.
I think you know the answer.

If he is unwilling to get help nothing will change. Does he admit he is alcoholic? Cutting down does not work as you have discovered.
Have you friends or family who know? It's important you have support. Also, have you reached out to AlAnon or similar? Going back years for me, but they used to be quite helpful around things like living your life beyond his alcoholism, regardless of if you stay or go. You can tune out of any stuff you don't like about them. (I wasn't into the Higher Power stuff for example).

How are your children around this? The impact is often huge - my dad was a garden-variety drunk, as in, no violence, no outrageous stuff etc, but the thing is even garden-variety alcoholism affected my family greatly. And no, I'm not guilt tripping you at all. It's an awful dilemma, just awful.

But I suspect you know it's time to leave, or get him to leave. Sorry I don't really know much about legal rights in this area.

Big hugs Lisa 💞

You have 3 choices:
-leave
-get him to leave

• stay and let living with an alcoholic parent fuck up your kids even more than they've already been fucked up.

None of them are easy but I'm afraid that's all there are.

Your kids will be happier living in a small flat than living with an alcoholic.

If he is unable to recognise that he has a problem it won't ever change. I went through the whole drinking at weekends which he ended up stretching from Thursday to Monday and passing out drunk every one of those evenings. Only drinking on special occasions, which meant every nice event was ruined with me folding him in a cab to get him home. LOnly drinki g on holidays which meant I spent nearly wbry holiday on my own as he was in the bar or passed out in the room.

When our twins were two he drank a bottle and a half of red 'left over' from a dinner and party before 11.30 am - I was having a lie in and he was supposed to be looking after the children.

I asked him to leave and he did. He admitted he his drinking was a problem and he went to AA and I gave him another chance. That was 10 and a half years ago. And he hasn't hasn't touched a drop. We can actually keep alcohol in the house - for guests and cooking. But not for the first few years. It helps, that I rarely drink.

It can work but only of he admits if there is a problem. Leave with the children or ask him to leave. You need to protect your kids and yourself whilst he comes (or doesn't) to this realisation.

I lived with an alcoholic parent. It is awful.
You are NOT trapped in a relationship, you never are even if you feel it.
You can formally split whilst living in the same house as a start...seperate out the finances and it won’t be that long saving before you can move.
Or move in with family (admit what is going on...I know I’d take in my siblings/their kids immediately) and start saving.
Go on the council waiting list...research the areas where there are properties immediately available - there’s far more than you think.
Be proactive, go to AA meetings and learn about the gravity of this/gain support
Talk to Social Services - they may be able to help.

You are NOT trapped but your children are unless you do something. You can do this.

Thankyou all for your advice, Hes not violent or abusive and is a good dad to our kids , He thinks he "deserves" a drink after working and running round after kids ect, iv had it out with him many times but he refuses to believe he is a alcoholic, he comes from a family of drinkers so its the norm for him, I havent told my family how bad its got and how unhappy i am , i always put on a front as if everything is fine , I really need to have a think what im going to do, iv tried talking to him and my eldest 17 year old even had it out with him and explained how bad drinking is for his health ect, things changed for 2 weeks then back to square one, we work together as well, so im with him 24 hours a day, which is not healthy i know, thanks everyone x

Alcoholism can and may well kill him. I wasted my twenties with an alcoholic. He said much the same; he was just enjoying a drink after a hard day's work, etc, and he hid how much he drank. One was never enough. It got to the point where he'd give up jobs to stay home and drink. Drinking was more important to him than anything: me, family, friend's, work, socialising, eating... He refused to believe he had a problem. I threatened to leave so many times but I felt scared what he would do, that he'd drink himself to death so I stayed and witnessed him drink himself to death it was absolutely horrific. I've never forgiven him.
I'd make it very clear to your husband that you would never forgive him if one if your children comes home and finds him dead. My late partner used to say he loved me and he'd die for me but I used to reply that I didn't want him to die for me, I wanted him to live for me., but I wasn't enough to make him stop.

The fact that your husband isn't yet drinking as soon as he wakes up shows that he can last without a drink so he is choosing to drink excessively and risk everything you have built up over the past two decades but it also means that he may not be in the full grips of alcoholism yet. Use resources available to get any support you can - Al Anon, etc. Also, stop keeping his secret for him. Don't be afraid to tell people. I like it's awfully embarrassing for you but my late partner used to rely on me being too ashamed to tell people, and he could behave how he liked in secret.
I'm so sorry for you and your children OP, living with an alcoholic is miserable. You don't have to stay and watch him self destruct though. Maybe the though of him losing everything might be enough to kick start a chance in him x

Howlovely what you have just said is exactly like my situation, it scares me, he lost 2 family members, his brother and his sister, both of them in there 40s to alcoholism, i thought this might give him a wake up call, but no it didnt, made it even worse, If i leave i think he would drink himself to death, i often think to myself, hes married to drink not me , he says he loves me but i dont think he does, why would he do this, he knows it upsets me, i just think im 45 years old, i could start again away from this shit, if i leave it any longer i will be stuck with him. xx

Op you need a plan to leave him. Drink seems more important to him than you or your kids. If it wasn't he'd stop. Can you start by getting a new job so you aren't together all day? You need to have a conversation about him moving out so your kids can stay living in the family home. He needs to want to get help before hell get any better.

Being an alcoholic is not "being a great dad" to your kids. The decision to stay is yours. Dont pretend you are staying for your kids, that's blaming them for their own abuse.

I was 30 years sober in April (did an Ask Me Anything on it) and I can tell you that only your partner can tackle his drinking. Your job is to take care of yourself and your DC.

Alcoholism is often called a family illness. This is partly because there's sometimes a genetic component, but it's mainly because alcoholism is learnt behaviour.

From what you say, your DP grew up in a home where alcoholic/problem drinking was normal. No surprise he grew up to be an alcoholic. In families like that the kids either grow up to drink themselves or become codependent. I've given one link but there's loads more information on codependency out there.

Codependency is the way the family members of alcoholics learn to live with a drinking alcoholic. It's a very unhealthy approach to life. Sadly if your DC don't become alcoholics they'll become codependent

Witnessing their dad's alcoholism is harming your DC. And while you make life comfortable for your partner he has no motivation to change.

I'd advise you to start to separate with a view to divorce. And tell him (and your DC) every step of the way that it's because of his drinking. Boot him out of his comfort zone. Make him see what he's losing.

It may not shock him into action but it's the only thing that might. I got sober because I hated myself drunk.

But your main focus can't be him anymore. It needs to be yourself and your DC. Al Anon/Alateen will provide you with useful tools. The thinking takes some getting used to - the jargon can feel a bit cheesy at first. I know AA seemed very weird to me. Give it a few meetings, sit and just listen. You need to look for the similarities, not the differences. And stay after meetings to talk to other members when everyone has coffee or tea and conversation is more casual.

Other women may give you their numbers. Do ring them. You won't be a nuisance. Supporting other members is a big part of how all the 12 Step groups work.