AIBU to go or not to go or worry even

[Eioskaolla]

Hi! I have a quick desicion to make and I am confused. Basically, me and my DP have had problems in the past regarding him being too clingy and accusing me of never spending enough time with him. I am no social butterfly - I meet my different friends maximum once per month plus I have a hobby which takes 2 evenings per week and sometimes a bit more. Sometimes my meetings with friends all fall down to one month, and then I do not see anyone for 2-3 months. So in my opinion he has been wrong. We have sorted it out lately and he has improved considerably. He does not go out basically never without me and he has no hobbies and he rarely sees his friends (perhaps 3 times during the last three years??). Oh, we also live together. But, I still have these nagging feelings inside whenever I have to tell him that I want to go somewhere alone or so. He has not made any passiveaggressive comments and has been ok lately, but I still get this old feeling inside me.
Now, this month is rather full on - I was out of town alone for nearly a week to meet my family (mother and two sisters, also my female friends). One of my sisters lives abroad and rarely comes to visit and lately married and thus came to see us. Noone had their partners/husbands so I wanted to be alone as well. I just came back yesterday. In a few days, on friday I will meet with my two friends, this has been in agenda for two months already since we last meet. And next thursday I meet with my other friends (in agenda nearly 2 months). So rather busy at the moment.. And now my friend asked me to go to her wedding on saturday! They are engaged for a year already and planned to do it later, but due to moving abroad soon they decided it was easier to register their marriage now. She told me yesterday, said it was just registration and dinner with family. And just now she said that she managed to get some additional space for dinner and thus she would like to ask me to come also. But without partner, as she managed to get only a few additional places and she wants to ask only her female friends without partners to participate. And now I am finding myself in a situation where I'd like to go to her wedding, but my first answer to her was a lie, saying I have other plans and I am not sure if I can change the plans. But the actual truth is that of course I'd like to go, but I'm afraid my DP would be very annoyed and sad and that it would be true that I do not spend enough time with him.. And now I am thinking whether to even tell him, or tell him and still not go, or just go.. We have our holidays together with DP, starting in the end of next week for two weeks and we spend the entire holiday together, except I have a class reunion which requires stayover in another city, so again due to my things we would be separated during the holidays for two days.

Ok, I actually just figured out after posting, that I won't say a thing to my DP and won't go. Because I meet the same friend on friday evening anyway and I can wish her all good for her wedding then. And it would really be unfair to my DP as he has not seen me for a week and then he again won't see me two evenings in a row.

Sounds like you have a good social life, a friendship/support network, while he has zilch.
There's a big difference between making adjustments in a relationship & turning into your exact opposite because that's what your partner is.
He may not be making passive aggressive comments now, but is that because he's got you to the stage of self censoring? You could be on a slow pathway to being isolated from your family & friends so watch out for that.
How old are you both, how long have you know each other/lived together? Do you have much of an idea about how his previous relationships fared?
I'm a loner basically & see no problem with your DP being one, but being in a relationship with someone who isn't similar wouldn't seem workable to me.

Why won’t you go?
She’s moving abroad.
And what’s the problem with spending time with your family?
You seem to have an underlying fear of him/his reaction op and that’s not good.

I would say "I know it's a lot of nights out lately. Shall I go?" And my partner would say "up to you, go if you want to." That's how it should work OP. Can you just try that?

SummerHouse - yes, in my mind it should work that way. But with him, it's never been easy. He is the kind of man who wants constant attention, I guess. But he does not have anyone else besides me. He does not make much effort meeting his friends and lately, when he has made, he has had no luck. I have suggested him to take up a hobby, which he initially refused to but has agreed to lately, but he always finds excuses to 'start the next month'. I would have no problem him going out, doing his own thing, but it seems for him me going out is like the end of the world. He has made me feel like he is suffering at home alone, but then again claims that it is not like that. He does not like to go to meet his family alone either. Otherwise it is all good and he really is a good man, but this me going out alone thing is really a struggle and I feel like I get afraid everytime a plan for me to go out alone occurs. In my head I think that so what, if I want to go I just go and tell him, it is not my problem that he is home alone and has nothing to do and he cannot stop me, but in reality I cannot behave this way. I do not want to upset him and it is difficult to enjoy being out when there is a 'price to pay' (e.g him being sad or crumpy). And although he really has improved a lot and I think it would even be OK to just tell him that I got the invitation to the wedding and he could even say that it is OK for me to go, I keep waiting when that day comes again when he is not OK.
We've been together a bit more than three years, lived together around two. He is 33 and I am 31. He has been in several relationships prior to me, all ended by the women according to him. According to him, he was more active previously - he had friends and hobbies etc. But as I understand, these friends were mostly his partners' friends who disappeared after the breakups. With his own friends, the communication just has diminished, I do not know why. They have women and/or children and one or two have moved away. Most of my friends live rather far away too, but we keep in touch through phone etc and meet when we can, so I do not see how this is a good reason not to communicate. But I know at least so much that when we started dating his best friend several times asked him out but he refused in order to spend time with me. So no wonder he won't ask my DP out anymore... By the way, I still haven't met the best friend...

I think you will feel resentful if you go on like this. You aren't responsible for his feelings. he needs to learn to cope with being alone. Maybe if you have been out a lot recently then arrange a nice thing / time for you two to spend together too, se he feels included. But don't turn down invites you want to go to, or let him guilt you.

My own DH can be a bit sensitive about stuff also and moody but I have learnt to ignore it and remember it is about him.

Sorry my suggestion is pretty pointless in hindsight. The problem is he wouldn't say go if you want to and be happy about it. But that's on him not you. You are right he needs to find his own things or you will both resent each other. Sorry this is a tough one.

Of course you should go