Placing his family first - divorce?

[amypjones]

My husband and his brother have inherited their great uncle’s garden center business; we had planned to invest as we’re not wealthy and some health issues meaning we can't get life insurance therefore placing our future finance and security at risk – he was all up for it and got the go ahead for a mortgage. This would mean that we could finally relax a little about our finances, and finally start trying for a baby.
His brother is very wealthy and initially wanted to sell his share as he didn’t want a ‘poxy garden center’, however since hearing our plans has changed his mind about his share of the inheritance and wants in on the investment – he always wants to be the best/most successful and the center of attention so I’m guessing he doesn’t want to miss out, or fear that we will do well.
My partner is a push over and always chooses his family first and has agreed to go into business with his brother instead of me, despite his brother not living locally or planning to lift a practical finger yet still expecting 50% of the profits. Choosing his family first has been a reoccurring argument throughout our 10 year relationship. When we were getting married we had to change the date of our wedding as he wanted to get married first – which only ended in divorce 6 months later announcing it the day before our wedding - creating a huge dampener on our wedding day.
I have expressed how risky it is going into business with family and how incredibly unhappy I feel about this and that it should be a joint decision. However he insists he can’t say no to his brother due to fear of falling out – but clearly doesn’t mind falling out with me and placing our marriage on the rocks. If he can’t say no now, or have an open discussion with him, how on earth will this business ever work?
I have tried to express all my fears and feelings using calm language and examples – ensuring I don’t point fingers, and offering plenty of alternative options…..but I’m getting nowhere. We’re so close to divorce, and he can’t see that it’s not even about the business – it’s about coming second best to his family, and not placing our plans for a family of our own first. I don’t feel respected or valued. Am I being unreasonable? Should I leave?

You say BIL inherited the business jointly with DH so unless BIL is willing for you to buy him out of his share surely he can do what he wants or am I missing something?

It sounds frustrating that you’re having to adapt your plans now and I can see why you’re upset at feeling second best in the past but I’m not sure DH can do much else here surely?

They both inherited it together so they are already in business together.
So unless you buy the brother out he was always going to be a partner in the GC.

His brother has every right to go into partnership with your DH, the Garden Centre was left to them not you. Yabu.

50% of the profits AFTER your DH has paid himself a decent salary for the time he puts in. So your DH can still make a good living before he shares any profits.

What’s the issue?

They both own it.
DH runs it and pays himself a fair(good) salary.
Retained earnings left after all expensive and investments can be distributed to the two shareholders (your DH and his Bro)

How were you planning to finance the buy out of the brother?

If they both jointly own it, they sort of already are in business together. Unless your BIL is willing to sell his share (would you be in a position to buy it from him?) and assuming that you don't want to sell your share, I don't think there's any real way around that.

As 50% owner, it's not unreasonable of your BIL to get 50% of the PROFITS, but if you and your DH are to manage it, then your wages and costs will need to be fully covered, along with all of the other overheads and tax obligations, long before the level of profit can actually be determined.

I don't see how your BIL can object to you two running/managing it as he only has a 50% say in that anyway. He must know that it would be a huge amount more work for him, for no extra profit, were he to insist on hiring outsiders to keep it more neutral - and if he did, the hiring and staffing work would surely all be down to him, if he's the one wanting to be difficult when the two of you are already in place and willing to run it.

I think, realistically, he has pound signs in his eyes and likes the thought of having another string to his bow, but not having to 'lower himself' to actually doing anything for it.

It wouldn't surprise me if the shine soon wears off and, once he realises that it's more like a way for a hardworking couple to make a decent living rather than a bounteous magic money tree for all comers, he wants out anyway.

If possible, would you be able to put plans in place to buy him out should that time come - or, if you couldn't fund it, can you think of any friends who might want to do so? People whom you trust and know you could work well with? And if the latter, might it be possible for you to buy 10% from BIL and your friend/associate the remaining 40%, so that you retain the majority interest and sway?

x-posted with just about everybody else who replied much more quickly and succinctly than I did!

Im with MyNameIs - make sure a proper salary for your DH and yourself comes out of it before profits are shared, any help is paid and that it's contractually sorted. It's not just the salaries, it's paying for staff, accountants, advertising, keeping on top of H&S rules, insurance etc, ordering plants/seeds, maintaining the property, sorting deliveries. I suggest you visit another independent garden centre to find out what the issues are.

Your DH hasn't been a pushover or 'chosen his family over you'. His brother was left half the business by their uncle, your DH can't do anything about that.

If you balk at paying his brother 50% of the profits then have DH take a large salary as the manager. Not sure what you actually want DH to do.

You post is not clear on what it is your complaining about. Your DH has inherited 50% of a private business. It sounds like there was an option to buy the brother out, possible he was going to borrow against the house to do that? Anyway, that has fallen through, and the situation is back to being what it was, he owns 50%.

It shouldn't matter that BIL doesn't lift a finger, you just need to make sure that any workers (which sound like they might include you and DH but not BIL) are fairly paid for their labour. It's true that salary rather than dividends (if it is a company) is a bit less tax efficient, but you can mitigate that by taking some remuneration in terms of pension contributions. Other than that, I don't see an issue.

I don't think DH has done anything wrong. Even if he is willing to fall out with family, he doesn't actually have the right to insist his brother sells half the business to him, that would be very unreasonable.

If you don't want to be in business with BIL, consider selling him DH half and invest the money elsewhere.

What I'm getting from OP is that you think DH is somehow giving something of large financial value to his brother instead of you. As long as you and DH are fairly paid for any work you do, that's completely untrue.

DH will get what he inherited, which he will presumably share with you. The other 50% of profits he might have got had the buyout of BIL gone ahead were not free money, they were a return on an investment funded (it sounds like) by borrowing against your house.

I'm not sure it's a good idea to borrow against your house to invest, and even if it is, investing in your employer is usually a bad idea, as if they go tits-up you lose both your job and your savings.

Not borrowing against the house leaves you with less outgoings, and less financial risk. You should not actually be worse off, once you've factored this in.

I'm slightly confused by what you except.
Your husband doesn't have nearly as much control as I believe you think he does.

Eh?

However he insists he can’t say no to his brother
From what you are saying this is correct. His brother owns 50% of the company, he can not tell him what to do with that 50%.
We’re so close to divorce, and he can’t see that it’s not even about the business
Damned right it's not about the business. It's about your controlling/abusive and totally unreasonable behaviour by the sounds of it. I'm sure a lot has gone on that you can't put in this post but from the information available to us, this seems likely.
Am I being unreasonable?
Massively.
Should I leave?
You'd probably be doing him a favour long term but I always think you should work at these things. Perhaps go for some personal counselling and try to work out why you behave in the way that you do towards your partner and why you lack respect for him.

If your DH inherited it, and he wants to go into business with his brother, I'm not sure how that's your decision - it's his career choice.

That said unless he has great commercial acumen and retail management experience I'd probably run now! Retail is having a punishing year by all accounts and betting equity on your house to make it work sounds risky.

YANBU, if he habitually doesn't put you first it would be a nightmare to have dc with him. You know him, we don't, listen to your instincts

As they inherited together they are already in business together.
Your issue doesn't seem to be about the business tho, it's more about feeling side lined in favour of his family. He is unlikely to change at this stage you'd, so you need to decide if you want to remain in the situation or not.

As people have said. Profit is what is left after all costs including salaries are paid. So your partner pays himself the appropriate salary for the job that he is doing. At the end any money left is paid out 50/50 as dividends.

I’m not clear OP how your partner could invest with you unless you are planning to buy a share ie buy out the BIL. Do you have the finance to do that? Do they want you to? Otherwise I can’t see why any of this is really your business sorry YABU.

This man is showing a pattern of you not being a priority - don't have a child with him. You as in you and the baby/ies will not be priority then either. Don't do it @ampnyjones

The mortgage was to buy out the brother, presumably?

This is absolutely not your DH's fault at all.

This is ridiculous. Your DH and his brother have both inherited half of the business. It's your DH's choice if he wishes to work in the business but whatever, half the profits belong to the BiL BECAUSE HE OWNS HALF. If you were left half a business wouldn't you want your share - I bet you would. Who else should the other 50% go to if not the BiL? Let me guess - you. So grabby.

Sistersis I couldn't disagree with you more. Of course OP's not a priority when it comes to this. Actually it's none of her business.

But if 50% of the business was left to your bil he’s entitled to 50% of the profits.
I agree with pps that you need to make sure your dh takes a wage if he’s going to be the one running things.

PP have explained how YABU with this business and that you should be glad you don't have to risk your house on this.

Anyway if you are going to stay and help run this business make sure you have an online presence and be careful how you sent seeds/small plants out in the post.

As a PP said you both need to find out how other small indie garden centres are run.