To think I just have to live with this?

[FeelingABitVulnerable]

I had a very neglectful, abusive childhood. I finally escaped at 15, and met a 19 year old, who ended up being abusive himself. I spent eight years with him before I escaped again, via Women's Aid.

In November last year, a "Friend" at work invited my abuser to a staff night out. He had matched with her on an app, and he then started following me. My boss didn't believe that he was following me and despite advice from ACAS, HR and the police, wouldn't allow any changes to my work routine to keep me safe. He "found" me on a Friday in early December and beat me up. A member of public scared him off before the damage was too bad. I had a complete breakdown, couldn't cope with anything, and never went back to work. Eventually they paid me a couple of months' salary and we decided I wouldn't go back.

I've been setting up by myself since then. It was going well until April, but my major client had to pause then and I've barely been making enough to get by since then. The money stress is killing me, and I feel like a complete failure. The only thing that I've ever been good at is making alright money and being self-sufficient. On top of that, I keep dreaming about my ex and my parents. I have no idea why.

Fiancé has been lovely; he puts no pressure on me, he wakes up and sits with me when I need him too. I cannot fault him at all...

I've had endless counselling, private and NHS. To be honest, reliving everything seems to just upset me and the counsellor. I don't get anything out of it. I thought I'd recovered.

AIBU to think this is it, and I just have to learn to live with this? I am exhausted today, mentally and physically. I can't even cry. I just feel utterly numb.

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this OP. Has your GP or anyone else suggested any other forms of coping mechanisms like CBT? It sounds like the talk therapy is re-traumatising you at this point in your journey.

I don't have a lot of advice, but I hope you begin to feel better soon.

I’m sorry to hear what a dreadful time you have had. Employers have a duty of care to you. Your boss should have listened.

It’s a lot of stress finding out if you can do anything about that old job, if what they did (put you in danger) would qualify as constructive dismissal (you were unable to attend your job because of it) but if you could face making enquiries then you could find they owe you a significant amount of money, which would help you now.
I knew a colleague who said she didn’t get trained properly despite asking for months, true, became stressed, left (constructive dismissal) and was awarded £30k damages at a tribunal. I don’t know the ins and outs but would check the ACAS website. If they said you agreed to it, that could possibly be overlooked because of your mental state at the time.
I hope the B ex that did this to you got jailed.
It’s great you have such an understanding and good guy now. He’s a keeper. Life won’t always be this bad. Make sure you are getting any benefits you are entitled to while you are still not quite back to yourself yet, especially at such a difficult time when you are starting your own business. Good luck. X