have i ruined it

[Atlanaaan]

Looking for some reassurance!

I've had a terrible history with boyfriends and dating. I've had previous relationships where I have been hit, controlled and worse. I've also had a previous "relationship" in which the (much older) man stole money off me over a prolonged period of time, which I never got back.

I've always had poor taste in men, I am a people pleaser as well so always end up not being able to stand up for myself, and just "cater" to their needs.

I was sexually assaulted as a teenager, and through therapy recently I have learned that my hypersexuality may a result of trying to take ownership of what happened to me. I am really ashamed of my past sexual history and, it sounds really sad and pathetic to say, but I've never had sex with someone where it was "making love" (if you know what I mean).

So I recently have been dating a guy who is completely the opposite to the other men. Genuine and extremely polite/respectful. We've been getting to know each other for quite some time now, and no one conversation has entered into sex talk/suggestive stuff, beside an odd comment like "you're beautiful" or "you look really lovely in the picture you uploaded today" - just nice. This sounds very normal I know, but to me, it's never happened before.

I feel like we've got a lot in common, and the chemistry is amazing. Again, not based on sexual chemistry (although I am very attracted to him) - something just "clicks", I've felt like I've known him for ages. He has said similar to me as well. We've kissed and hugged a lot and we're very physically intimate, but not yet had sex.

The only problem is that he lives about 2 hours from me, and so drives down to see me. Logistically it's difficult because we usually end up overrunning dates and he has to drive home around 5am in the morning.

We were messaging today and he mentioned that he would like to see me this weekend, and that he would book a hotel for himself so he didn't have to travel home. I replied in passing "oh you're welcome to stay at mine if you would like?" he said that he "didn't know about that, i don't mind getting a hotel".

I don't know why but his reply has kind of made me feel embarrassed? I wasn't even suggesting that we would have sex, but now all these thoughts are coming into my head that he thinks I'm easy and somehow knows about my sordid past sad

I know his reply isn't nasty in the slightest- he's just a gentleman. But, I just feel so rejected and disgusting. I don't even know what to reply without sounding defensive. I have a tendency to get very defensive and cut people off if I think they think badly of me.

AIBU to think i've ruined a good thing again

You've not ruined anything! Just reply saying you're looking forward to seeing him on the weekend. He sounds nice and sensible, you deserve to be treated well.

You've done nothing wrong. How long has this been going on? The relationship I mean?

You sound intimate enough to share a bed for goodness sakes! Is he a Christian or something?

I think you are being far too hard on yourself and very much over thinking what he said. My take is that he said he doesn't mind getting a hotel because he wants to make sure you're comfortable with him staying over. He sounds like a very nice man, imo. I assure you he does not think less of you or that you're "easy."

I completely understand where you’re coming from, however I also feel really pleased you’ve found someone who seems so decent and respectful.
You deserve someone who values you, and in time I so hope you’ll be able to believe this.
Try and leave your past in the past and not bring it to the table in this new relationship.
The guy is showing you respect by not assuming you will dtd at the weekend. You’ve simply shown him you like him a lot too. If you feel awkward, just say to him, ‘oh golly, I hope you didn’t think I was being a floozy, I just wanted you to know I appreciate you coming all this way to see me, and you really don’t have to splash out on a hotel.
Just laugh it off warmly.,
He’s being respectful because he likes you. Just the way you are. I very much doubt he’s now thinking you’re a raving harlett.
If you’d rather not dtd but worried you may, wear your worst knickers! The type you’d never want any decent guy to see. X

But, I just feel so rejected and disgusting.

Those feelings are coming from within yourself, not from him or anything he's done. Maybe even emotional flashbacks from your past. Remind yourself of that.

So if you need to get your defensive responses out of your system direct them at yourself. And then reframe them. Start to change them. With yourself.

You made an innocent suggestion, no harm done. He can't read your mind or see into the past, nothing to worry about there. He's being respectful and maintaining boundaries, which is encouraging.

Remind yourself of where you are now, who you're talking to now, that you're safe and being respected. Let those old feelings run their course, keep telling yourself they're old feelings and then when they're spent, reply to him the way you would normally.

"No worries, I hear the breakfast at abc hotel is amazing!"

I dunno, it doesn't need to be complicated.

You haven't ruined anything. You're not disgusting. And you haven't been rejected.

I have a tendency to get very defensive and cut people off if I think they think badly of me.

Alternative thought: this is your opportunity to break that pattern and try a new path... You've been courageous enough to make the changes that brought you this far, what's one more?

Find out what happens when you don't cut people off.

We are rarely as good at mind reading as we think we are!

thank you for the lovely responses, I have managed to calm down a lot, and I'm starting to think more rationally.

All in all, we've known each other about 2 months.

He is from a very religious background, but he is not religious himself.

I think he's just a really nice person, I am going to take it as a positive that he has done this. We've been on the phone this evening talking about my latest assignment project, which he is now proof-reading for me so maybe I should focus on the nice things.

It feels like he is actually "dating" me, rather than just wanting sex, which makes a change I guess. I think I will try and silence the thoughts as much as possible. I really don't want this to end because of me !

Id make sure in my reply somwhere Id say, the spare room is here if you need it. It gets across your meaning of not necessarily sex but allows him to still go with a hotel without it being a rejection. He sounds lovely, enjoy the gentleman!

He sounds lovely

I used to do this - a lot- I inherently distrusted and would cut off things with the men who didnt try and get me into bed immediately. That was what I knew and was used to, so being treated with a modicum of respect was very weird for me. Better the devil you know and all that.

I wouldn't have thought you saying that would have spoiled things anyway, but now you know he is a nice guy, who is respectful and likes you not just wants a quick shag, Hope it all continues to go well for you!

He is being nice, you might be overthinking it. He is giving you space and saying he is not expecting anything and taking the pressure off. So if you have a good night there is an option at the end. He could come back to yours if you want but if not he has somewhere else anyway. That's the way I would read it.

My interpretation of that message is that he's just trying to be respectful and let you know that he's not pressuring you into sex. He may well be sitting there thinking "oh god, I hope me saying I'll book a hotel doesn't make it sound like I'm trying to pressure her for a sleepover invite".

Even if that's not the case, I really wouldn't worry about that message. It sounds like things are going great! All of these negative feelings you're having are probably down to the issues you've faced in the past. I know you can't just brush them off, it will take time. But hopefully just reminding yourself of this will at least keep you level headed.