pissed off with DH

[hidinginthenightgarden]

In many ways DH is a really good partner, but in others, like childcare, he is shit.
Today I asked if he had booked his days off next week to have the kids. He said no, he didn’t know he was meant to be having them, and he can’t take it off now. Well, we had a conversation about it, and I stuck a fucking schedule on the fridge 6 weeks ago with the dates of who was having them when!
He is saying it’s only Monday and Tuesday he can’t have them, they are the only days he needs to have them! I don’t work Fridays, DS is in science club- which he booked by my request, and DD goes to nursery Wednesday Thursday during holidays, which he also knows as this has been in place since January!
He is saying his mum will have them- not that he has asked.
His mum works on the other side of the city, it would add 20 mins onto my day to take them and 40 onto his. It will be expected that I take them but I don’t see why I should when it’s his fuck up? Would I be unreasonable to tell him he needs to drop them off?
The reality is I would end up doing it anyway just because his boss is much less reasonable than mine and we need his wage, but I want him to know he has created a mess and that I expect him to fix it.

I should also say, if he had said when I first mentioned it, that he couldn’t have it off I would have made other arrangements, but I told him when he was asking about holidays that I cannot under any circumstances have next week off.

Absolutely leave him to do drop offs and pick ups. It’s his mess up, not yours.

He has just offered to put DS to bed because I am cross with him and generally unwell anyway.
He is trying to win me over!

DO NOT drop them off.
His fuck up. His to solve.

Things will never improve if you keep swooping in to fix things when he messes up due to pure laziness.

His problem, for him to fix.

He thinks he can win points by putting your son to bed? Does he think participating in parenting is a favour he can bestow on you?

Couldn't have said it better @Sparklyboots

Definitely make him do the drop off!

Nope, he made the problem so he can sort it out!
I'd just be blunt and tell him that he better hope his mum can help but it'll be HIM that drops the kids off and picks them up.
No negotiations. No backing down. They're his kids too.

This kind of thing is so annoying! Been there myself many times. It's a very familiar tale and only on Mumsnet have I encountered people who genuinely fairly share the childcare responsibility, including mental load, completely equally.

I work longer hours than DH and earn more, the children see less of me and he does school runs, nursery runs, drop offs to all clubs and play at friends etc. This all works fine when I'm not there, but if I'm around everything defaults to me! The children ask me for everything, they can be in the same room as DH and I'll walk in and they'll ask me for food/ drinks/ information, almost as if they perceive he's only "covering" while I'm not available.

Thanks everyone! I’m very much a team player but I think sometimes, I am doing very much more than my share, to compensate for the fact that I only work 4 days to his 5. On that day though I have DD. A manic 3 ur old who is bloody hard work, evidence by the fact that every time he is asked to look after her, he gets his mum involved!

Pjmask, we get that too. We take it in turns to gets up each morning as DD is an early riser. As soon as I walk in I am asked for a drink, breakfast etc even though DH has been with them for an hour without being asked!

Agree that this is his fuck up so he has to resolve it. HE phones his mum to ask if she can have them and HE drives them over to her. If this was a one-off and he normally pulled his weight 50:50 in all domestic matters then I would probably drop them off as it was a shorter journey for me, but I'm taking a wild guess that this is not the case...

It sounds like he doesn't want to be a parent
You may as well be a single mother

It really shouldn’t be possible for him to “win you over” by putting his son to bed. 50% of bedtimes are his because he represents 50% of the parents. If he’s routinely not home in time during the week, he should do 100% of the weekend bedtimes, or whenever he is on the premises at the appropriate hour.
He is using man-privilege to make his children your responsibility. It’s arrogant, sexist and not attractive.