Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Aibu? Ex uninvited to baby scan.

23 replies

Chachababa99 · 05/08/2019 18:51

I have a 10 month old baby and just had my booking scan for 2nd baby. Me and my ex (father of both babies) have been living separately and bee on and off over the last 7 months. Everytime he comes to collect our son he is ignorant and horrible to me. He was planning on coming to the scan but as he kept on being so rude to me I told him not to bother and advised me that he couldn't care less weather he went or not. He then text me the night before he scan saying he would meet me there and I replied that my mum had taken the day off to come with me as he hadnt shown any interest. Do you think I am in the wrong here? I called him 5 times after the scan to tell him about it and I haven't received a call back or a text at all.

OP posts:

Didntwanttochangemyname · 05/08/2019 18:58

Aside from the glaring question why the hell are you having babies with this guy - you should probably prepare to do this alone.
It sounds like he's not really planning to be involved if he's going to sulk.

twirlypoo · 05/08/2019 19:02

You both need to be a bit more mature about this. Distance yourself, keep it factual and drama free. I know it’s not an easy ask, but for your kids sake it’s necessary.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2019 19:06

He’s clearly not interested so don’t invite him to anymore scans or appointments, they’re your medical things, I wouldn’t bother to update him either. He’s unreliable and I’d plan to parent both your babies on your own.

How is he ignorant when you see him?

WillLokireturn · 05/08/2019 19:06

Nope.you don't have to.have him there, just tell nurse if he arrives that he is not welcome. It's your body not his and your private medical appointment so midwife/sonographer will respect your views and not want you stressed

It is however his baby so hopefully you will get past this, but yo do so, he needs to understand that if he is obnoxious unsupportive and causing stress to you.whilat you are pregnant or new baby, then he doesn't get to accompany you and join in. Maybe this will help him focus on being a better supportive dad /dad to be and ex partner. Whilst it's possible to have a good parental relationship, it isn't when one party is being abusive and unkind.

HappyPunky · 05/08/2019 19:07

You're the patient it's up to you who you have with you and you need someone supportive.
Can your mum be your birth partner too?

GabriellaMontez · 05/08/2019 19:15

Yanbu. Keep your distance. Don't involve him in your medical care.

flirtygirl · 05/08/2019 19:16

So go it alone. Don't discuss it with him and do not put him on the birth certificate.

Children are involved so you need to be the mature one and walk away from him.
If he wants contact then he has to do so formally and properly.

Original poster

Chachababa99 · 05/08/2019 19:25

Thank you everyone. I was feeling very guilty and like a horrible person for not letting g him go to the scan but I honestly couldn't risk being stressed out with an awkward atmosphere and then to be out down in some way afterward or during. I'm getting the silent treatment which is the norm here to punish me for not doing what he wanted me to do. But I am well used to his games now. But thank you for helping me realise that I am doing the right thing. I am prepared to do this alone as hard as it will be. I have been doing it alone from my son was 3 months old. I'm just going to settle down and get ready for this wee bundle. Regardless of the father they will always have me.

OP posts:

Chakano · 05/08/2019 19:29

You are the patient, it's your decision and yours alone.
Sorry, also have to say, why have children with someone like this who will share 50% of their DNA, a permanent reminder whether he sees his kids or not.

Sunflowers11 · 05/08/2019 19:34

I hate posters who say, "it's your body not his"

His baby as well and he said he would meet you there. You have separated but are complaining because he is ignorant towards you?

You both need to grow up

Original poster

Chachababa99 · 05/08/2019 19:47

I mean we have been in a relationship ship for 3 years and while ending the relationship things happened . I took 2 morning after pills but this baby must be coming for a reason. And I personally couldn't abort.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chachababa99 · 05/08/2019 19:52

Yes his baby aswell
He said he would meet me there after weeks of abuse saying he wasnt going and couldn't care less and after I arranged with my mum as he wasnt going then he text the night before to say he was. I understand it's his baby as this is my life situation. It's all well and good telling someone to grow up yet I hope you haven't or never will be in the shoes I am in myself. I felt that my decision today was best for me as he makes me feel terrible all of the time. My blood pressure always reads higher when he is in the scans with me as he usually accusing me of looking at the other men who are sitting there with their partners. Which start to trigger my anxiety.

OP posts:

WhyBirdStop · 05/08/2019 19:54

You know the best form of contraception op? Not having sex with dickheads. Yes it's your medical appointment but you now have two babies by this man you will have to co parent to some extent. You could always say to him if things are civil between now and the next scan he could come to that, and don't blur boundaries. No more on off relationship, argue, sex, get back together, split up again ad infinitum, you need to see co parenting almost like a colleague relationship, take the emotion out, for your sake and for the children. So going forward that means making practical decisions not emotional ones.

Poppi89 · 05/08/2019 20:02

It's your body and so it is your decision however unless you think he would cause trouble if he came I would probably still invite him to things like this. Your not getting on at the moment and you're emotional but you have said yourself you are on and off with him so if you get back with him or just get to a good place as friends would you regret him not being there. As parents I would try and leave emotions out of it and just concentrate on the kids (even though it is a lot easier said than done).

Original poster

Chachababa99 · 05/08/2019 20:04

I know. We haven't been intimate since the baby was conceived. And I am trying to keep emotions out of it but hormones are flying. I am in counselling to try and move past this relationship and I really do hope one day that we can be amicable because I dont want our kids growing up thinking we hate each other.

OP posts:

Poppi89 · 05/08/2019 20:15

I completely understand and honestly do really feel for you but sometimes you have to realise that he's not going to change and be the bigger person else it will just go around in circles forever. You not allowing him at the scan is going to be something he holds against you forever but if you say he can come and doesn't turn up then at least you know you tried and that's one less thing he has against you.

CloudRusting · 05/08/2019 20:20

This scan is a medical procedure looking for serious issues with the baby. It is not a fun day out. And just sometimes you get very bad news at these scans - fortunately you didnt. You should therefore take for l future scans whomever will provide you with appropriate support.

quizqueen · 05/08/2019 20:29

I wouldn't have told him about the time of the scan in the first place, I would have told him the results afterwards. If you are no longer in a relationship with his man then you do not want him to see you in a state of undress. Tell the nurse this. He can come into the room afterwards to discuss anything which needs to be discussed oe dressed.

quizqueen · 05/08/2019 20:32

'when you are dressed'

cottonwoolsnowmen · 05/08/2019 20:33

You might find it really helpful to do the Freedom Programme course alongside your therapy to learn what healthy relationships look like and how to make sure your children aren't inadvertently affected by what's been going on.

It's free to attend, confidential, and you won't have to talk. It's info, not therapy so you can just listen. They won't judge you or tell you what to do. Some of the groups have creche facilities too. Freedomprogramme.co.uk

It could also help you to trust your own judgement more and feel confident in making decisions.

Take care.

carly2803 · 05/08/2019 20:36

for those saying"its his baby too" - yes, when its here. Until then the scans are on HER body.

OP no your not wrong. I had my x at all scans but we got on well, if we didnt id have sent him pictures after!

AllFourOfThem · 05/08/2019 20:37

I took 2 morning after pills

Why? I can’t understand why someone would take it a second time, or even know It had already failed, and not opt for the coil instead as emergency contraceptive.

Original poster

Chachababa99 · 05/08/2019 20:44

The doctor prescribed 2 for my BMI. Thanks

OP posts:

Flip