AIBU to ask what you do financially for your adult DC's?

[SongforSal]

So DD19 has asked for a pair of £40 sandles for holiday. Dp and I said no for the following reasons;

We have paid for her entirely for a family holiday for 2wks abroad
We have given her spending money.
We have bought her new clothes for holiday.
We have recently purchased a new laptop for her to study on when she returns for her second year of Uni.

She is a lovely girl, and has taken me saying 'No' fine, however her reasoning was we purchased a £40 pair of trainers for her brother, DS14 at the weekend, and in her mind, she has reasoned she should have the same!!

I explained it isn't tit for tat, they both get what they need, but at different times in different measures.

AIBU to ask what you do financially when your DC's get to a certain age? For example, one of my work colleagues paid for everything when their dc's went to uni. Another colleague didn't contribute a penny, and said it was a life lesson in budgeting!

I think at that age it depends what you have discussed with them that you will / won't pay for, given that she isn't in full time employment yet.

So if you have given her to understand you are paying for all the holiday, then maybe she feels sandals are part of that (if she needs new ones).

But if you have told her that at uni she is meant to be budgeting for all clothes and shoes herself, then you have been generous in buying holiday clothes, and you don't need to fork out even more for sandals.

Does she work? If she does then she pays for her own things. I did at 19 and I was living at home with a full time job. Paid rent at home and parents bought me nothing from then on. My rent cover bills like my share of electricity, water, gas and food.

I think she needs to understand that as a 14 year old has very little money making opportunities he will get more money spent on him now... If she shouts unfair she needs to realise you are treating him the same as her at the same age.

She is very lucky to get all this money spent on her. Does she not have a job while at university?

She does have a part time job around Uni. At least twice per month I send her a food delivery, and her grandparents tend to transfer her the odd £50 here and there.

She has LOT'S of shoes. In her mind, she wanted the shoes as so we had spent equal on both Dc's. She did understand that it really didn't work like that. Her brother has had a massive growth spurt and he had to have them, as his old ones are giving him blisters.
Plus. She is 19! I had a mortgage and her at that age!

When I was at Uni, I had a part time job. My Mum paid my accommodation, but I paid my living expenses (groceries, going out, clothes). I didn't pay rent when I went back home.

I think you have been generous with your DD. She should either return some of the clothes you have bought her or use some of her spending money if she wants the sandals.

At 19 I would expect my children to at least have a holiday job so they can have some independence.

X- posted.

I would expect her to use her own money for 'extras'.

It sounds like you are supporting her during Uni - even if you aren't paying her rent and tuition, the regular food packages are probably more expensive than the food you spend on your son.

My parents paid for my laptop for uni as a birthday present. (Which was very generous of them I was expecting to pay for it myself, it was £350)

They would send the odd £50 voucher for textbooks and paid for my secondhand ball gown (£40).

They wouldn't charge me for holidays if they were going to a holiday cottage but I would pay my share at uni if we went to a hotel.

Things were pretty tight for me in third year (£900 after rent and utility bills to live on for the year) but I knew they didn't have any money either so I never asked them for support. I did tell them how much I had but they didn't offer anything so I just assumed they couldn't afford to.

Do you pay all the top up maintenance at Uni that you are meant to?

Paid for university
Substantial element of home deposit
Paid for family holidays
Treated to meals out

At 19 probably wouldn’t have paid for the holiday sandals but would pay for major purchases like laptop

I’d be quite peeved that she’s clocking what’s bought for her sibling and keeping a tally of what she thinks she’s ‘owed’.

Good to read that you put her straight on that. At age 19 with a part time job I’d expect her to have bought most of her holiday clothes herself and saved most of her own spending money.

Mine have never had precisely equal amounts spent on them, just what they needed at the time. Both had jobs to provide spending money at uni and certainly during long vacations.

We would pay for them to come on holidays but not necessarily to go away with friends. Neither was much interested in clothes.

As slightly older adults it’s more costly if anything. One is still semi supported as he lives in a property we own at a much reduced rent but he does a worthwhile job which isn’t that well paid. Other has a well paid job but recently bought a property which we’ve helped with.

I wouldn’t have paid for the sandals. Would probably have given her a small budget to spend and that’s it if she couldn’t buy her own clothes from her part time job (why was this?)

The way the maintenance loans work is that parents are expected to contribute at varying levels based on their family income. Do you do that monthly which enables them to budget better or as a lump sum termly?

I think if she is in full time education you pay for family holidays and anything she needs for her studies eg the laptop. And a core wardrobe.

If she is earning, I would expect her to cover her own spending money and the sandals as well as any extra clothes she wants. It depends on how much she earns, but if she is doing particularly well she can put money by for when she starts work after uni - you don't get paid for a month, she may need a house deposit (rent or purchase) and if she needs work clothes it all adds up. I had to take out a loan to cover my first month at work even though I finished uni at £0, unlike the debts most ex-students have now.

BloomingHydrangea her grant covers fees and rent at the moment, with enough left to live on. This will change next year, as we are expecting to pay at least half her rent as her loan will decrease.

BlueSkiesLies Wow! I honestly can't imagine at this point being able to gift her a house deposit. Although Dp and I have said if she moves back after Uni, we will charge her rent but put it in a savings account and give it her back when she really needs it.

What do I do for my adult child? I do what my single parent Mum did for me. Everything I can afford.

But, we live in what I like to think of as a very egalitarian house. "From each according to their ability, to each accord to their needs" .

Works for us

MatildaTheCat her part time job has been since she has come home in the summer holidays. She has also had to save £500 from last yrs grant for a deposit in September.

19yo DS is almost self-sufficient. He would never ask for money for shoes. I did help him with holiday last year, would pay for a meal if we went out kind of stuff.

17yo DD will try anything on...
I've tried to stick with the 'What you need not what you want" principle. It gets tattered.
tbf, DD hasn't asked for any casual clothes in ages.
She'll find a way... there will be something.

user1471453601 I like that principle. I grew up with a single Mum also, with things being incredibly financially tough at times (child of the 80'S here). I often say to mine 'You don't even know you are born' when they come out with some first world problem. But then I remember my DM saying that to me also as a child!