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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and one sided crush/EA

19 replies

Ohpleasenotnow · 05/08/2019 16:19

I have a friend that is very sociable, talks to everyone, always on social media, likes everyone's posts, etc,etc. She is so lovely and a genuinely nice person.

I have had this niggling feeling about DH that he has a crush on said friend since he met her about 18months ago. She is very open and honest and as we chat she will let slip that dh has said something or done something for her, etc that I had no idea about. When he first met her last year, he would hide things that had anything to do with her, even stupidly small things like he bought a toy off her for DD. He hid it in the garage.

He started wanting to take the DC to school all of a sudden, and I have strongly suspected that this was so he could see her. He does nothing else at home at all.

It's just lots of little things that he's doing and hiding from me. They're just silly things but today has just put everything in place as something else has come up that he's been hiding.

I know it is definitely one sided. He is an introvert and seems to get a bit over excited when anybody talks to him but this has gone way past acceptable.

I am also feeling so hurt because last year he tried to leave a few tikes, saying he was unhappy, blah blah blah. He wasnt...he was fine. Six months later he snapped out of it but I know for sure this is all connected.

I just don't know how to approach this and bring this latest development up with him. He hasn't actually done anything...it's just all in his head.

OP posts:

lolaflores · 05/08/2019 16:22

You seem to be under playing his attempts to leave. He was unhappy. That to me is the issue that ought to be of significance. Believe me...it wont just disappear never to raise its head again

Michaelbaubles · 05/08/2019 16:23

I don’t know why you’re saying “he wasn’t...he was fine” - if he was saying he was unhappy and wanting to leave? How did you come to the conclusion he was fine?

Original poster

Ohpleasenotnow · 05/08/2019 16:23

Lola...yes, but he wasn't unhappy. I think he just thought he saw something better

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 05/08/2019 16:24

You should encourage him to leave
He's clearly into your friend

Original poster

Ohpleasenotnow · 05/08/2019 16:24

Because he says that now. He said that it wasn't anything I did, he was just going through a hard time.

OP posts:

tensmum1964 · 05/08/2019 16:27

Hiding things from you and being secretive is a bit of a worry. I would not be happy about that. You say theres been a recent development. What you should, shouldn't do or feel very much depends on the seriousness of said development.

Shoxfordian · 05/08/2019 16:27

Why do you want someone who wants someone else?

Original poster

Ohpleasenotnow · 05/08/2019 16:27

Tensmum - it is just something small and silly yet agaib. But it's something he's purposefully hidden yet again.

OP posts:

Herocomplex · 05/08/2019 16:29

Time for a talk. Find out what you both want. Do you want him?

Original poster

Ohpleasenotnow · 05/08/2019 16:31

I want him but I think he's got caught up in this silly crush. I want to tell him it stops now...but how? He will just get embarrassed an make me out to be overeacting.

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 05/08/2019 16:32

Well, what was it?

And how are you so sure it's so one sided? You said yourself your friend let's slip some stuff...sounds like it's not one sided and it also sounds like you are so sure of yourself in quite an arrogant way..as if there's no way he couldn't be happy if he's with you.
Hmm

Greeve · 05/08/2019 16:32

I find it troubling how you dismiss his attempts to leave you. Yes he's probably into someone else because he's deeply unhappy and in a relationship where he cannot thrive.

Original poster

Ohpleasenotnow · 05/08/2019 16:33

Whisky - quite the opposite - I have been a total wreck for the last year. My friend let slip some things that he'd been doing because she thought I already knew ...

OP posts:

PianoTuner567 · 05/08/2019 16:34

You seem very confident of what’s inside his head. He wasn’t unhappy. He thought he saw something better. He has a silly crush. These are all things you can’t possibly know for sure - I think you need to be a bit more worried, to be honest.

HaileySherman · 05/08/2019 17:04

I hate to state the obvious but THIS TIME it's one-sided. Next time, what if it's not? If I were you I'd be preparing for that inevitability if whatever is making him unhappy or unsettled is not addressed. I wouldn't be ok living with the knowledge that he's tried to end things and is indulging in emotional affairs. Try to address the issues, instead of brushing them aside.

GabriellaMontez · 05/08/2019 17:08

Ask him calmly why he hid this thing from you? Ask him if he's happy?

Jemima232 · 05/08/2019 17:16

You do seem to be brushing his feelings and actions under the carpet though.

Why are you so sure that he will only be happy if he's with you, when he's left several times?

I'm not unsympathetic BTW. Just a bit puzzled.

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 05/08/2019 18:34

If he was so happy with you, he wouldn't be entertaining thoughts about this woman and doing what he is doing. Furthermore, if he was happy he wouldn't have attempted to leave.

It almost sounds like he tried to leave multiple times but you made him stay with you and now he's just saying whatever you want to hear.

Whether or not this is one sided, this man does not sound like he is happy to be in a relationship with you and it appears you are desperate to keep him by undermining his feelings and actions by convincing yourself otherwise.

Why would you not let him go and find someone who would actually want to be with you and find happiness with you?

Also, if you cannot talk to him about any of this, what do you propose? You either pull him up on it and find a solution or you accept this behaviour and convince yourself you're happy.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 05/08/2019 18:59

I'd be telling him to leave.
Then he can go sort himself out or whatever.
I wouldn't take him back because i'd never want someone who does not want me.

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