Angry and Confused - family expectations!

[rmaun1986]

Hi all, i'm new here so apologies if this is long winded!

I am 8 weeks pregnant, having found out at week 5. This happened very quickly for us, for which I know (& feel) incredibly lucky, but it came as a shock and something we are continuing to adjust to. I have been with my husband for almost 12 years (since uni) and having kids has always been on his agenda, but not necessarily mine. He's never been pushy or forceful on the topic, but in the last 2 years (i'm 32) family and friends have increasingly made comments about my potential future regrets if we didn't. Don't get me wrong, I love kids! I see (& experience) the pleasure they bring to their parents, I adore my niece who i look after on a weekly basis and have complete respect for parents. I think its just not been something I felt I needed, if that makes sense; i've always been very career focused and I do have a tendency to over think things and can often find future obstacles that make me postpone decisions, especially big ones!

I have a pretty emotionally draining job in the NHS which i've been unhappy in for some time, and so in the last year, I have thought more about my life and what I want out of it, and so decided that perhaps having a baby in the near future would be fulfilling, and shift in my life perspective, and also, perhaps the right time with my age and where I am at in my career.

A week after i found out i was pregnant, I was head hunted for a position that i have been dreaming of for the last couple of years. I now can't take this post (not for any discrimination issues, it simply wouldn't work with me now being pregnant). I think it's pretty understandable given my previous life goals to date, that this would make me disappointed to now be missing this opportunity, albeit for a lovely reason.

My mum and sister and I, grew up just us 3 and so are, in theory, very close. My sister is older, with a 2 year old, and is very emotionally driven in her ways. This can make her say and do things she often regrets. I'm the opposite, I don't show my cards often but when I do i am honest and direct. I have only seen them a handful of times since finding out i was pregnant, each occasion involving alcohol for all but me. They know how I am as a person, how ambivalent I have been about children, how quickly this happened for us, and how disappointed I am about this job.

I'm not overly excited right now; i'm still getting used to it all and to be honest, for the last 4 weeks (before i even knew i was pregnant!) i've been feeling so unwell! I'm shocked at the "morning sickness" symptoms, i had no idea what this actually meant. So not only am I adjusting to my new life to be (all the while still being a worrier!) i'm feeling sick, dizzy and exhausted about 75% of my day every day; still working, still getting everything done, because thats whats expected.

Yesterday, after a few drinks (them not me), they decided to quite forcefully tell me how my reaction to being pregnant is effecting them... that its worrying that i'm not showing excitement, that i seem "miserable", that how I am effects them, that they don't know how to speak to me, that they both know exactly how I am feeling as "you're not the only person to have been pregnant".

This escalated, I cried a lot, my husband intervened and the conversation was ended. We're now all just moving on, but i'm so mad with them both. I feel like not only do they not know me at all, but basically i've been told how i am adjusting to this (only 3 weeks in!) is wrong and not normal. I feel mad that they're telling me they know how i feel; my mother hasn't been pregnant in over 30years and my sister was not 1% ill during her first trimester, and we are so different in how we deal with our emotions. I feel now, like i have to pretend i'm feeling well, when i'm not, and any (what i consider) normal thoughts and feelings i'm having about being pregnant in the next 7 months, i have to keep to myself as they won't want to hear it. Basically, be happy and excited or say nothing.

I feel ok with where I am at emotionally given how I just am as a person, and the quickness of this, plus the whole job stuff. My husband isn't worried, i'm not wallowing and he even told them that they've seen snapshots of me when i'm feeling unwell vs him seeing my at times when I'm not feeling sick and seem much brighter.

My sister has apologised for her usual "saying things in the heat of the moment" she didn't mean, but neither of them seem to think that this conversation was premature or unnecessary at this stage.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I "not normal" for not being excited yet and also being effected so much by the sickness?

sorry for the length of this!! Thanks for any responses in advance :)

Tell them they're being monumental bell-ends to think that how anything affecting your pregnancy should be viewed or approached as how it affects how they're feeling, that it certainly isn't the case for you or DH & to keep their fragile "feelings" to themselves.
Good on your DH for having your back. If all they can do is make you cry tell them you'll get in touch after the baby's born to let them know what you had. Concentrate on yourself, you don't have to perform to some script they have in their heads about right & wrong ways you're allowed to act.
Congratulations btw

Haha @EileenAlanna I wish I could! I know deep down their intentions weren’t to upset me, but I am so shocked at their selfishness and I really hope that both regret it later (in a none sinister way!). I am very supported my DH, which is all I need really. I guess I just don’t want to be considered as difficult or odd about this, who does 😂
Thanks for your response and the congratulations!

Family are weird. I had morning sickness for 24 weeks with both of mine and felt my family sort of got bored of me being ill. I had better support from friends tbh. Maybe look outside the close family for some understanding? Or just tell them to fuck off, as I did when dB (and I do love him v much) told me that I’d been a fucking nightmare (btw didn’t see him more than 3 times when I was pregnant).

Honestly some people just think about things from their own perspective. My mother announced, when I was pregnant with her first grandchild, that the biggest change anyone had to go through in our situation was her becoming a grandparent

Ignore them (as hard as it is to do that!) and prepare yourself that you might see your mum and sister differently when you have your baby. Going through the transition to motherhood can open your eyes to how your family really are. Focus on yourself, your baby and your husband. You really sound like you have your head screwed on correctly! Good luck, congratulations and for you.

@sarahC40 I can totally see how you felt people were bored of your sickness. I feel so naive for not understanding how rubbish you can feel throughout this, it’s not fair we have to pretend for the sake of others getting fed up of it! Only a few friends know at this point and they are being really great.

@partofyoupoursoutofme I nearly cried at your last sentence 😭 I definitely needed to hear that, thank you 🙏🏻

I was miserable for the first few months when I was pregnant. I could barely hold it together let alone be enthusiastic about my situation. I was sick and stressed and he last thing I needed was anyone telling me how I wanted to feel. Tbh I only really felt better after I held a baby in my arms and knew pregnancy was over. Best of luck, pregnancy isn’t an Instagram joy filled situation for everyone but the prize is worth every minute of it.

Why oh why can't you take the job? And then go on maternity leave but take it back up when you're back?

YANBU. I have been excited with all my pregnancies (couldn't wait to be a mum from when I was a late teen) and I'm one of the lucky ones who didn't have morning sickness and I totally understand where you are coming from. We aren't all the same. You sound completely normal and level headed with everything changing so quickly of course you will feel how you do.

Your mum and sister are being so selfish because you are not fitting their stereotype of what a pregnant woman should act like, instead of appreciating and respecting what a huge achiement you have made in even adapting to get to this stage

@Ariela unfortunately it is only a 12 month secondment (with likelihood of extension) but as it’s NHS/health education is all about what funding becomes available and that’s all usually very short notice. If it is just the 12 months, I’d be going on mat leave by month 5 which I didn’t think was fair to the employers (who I know from the odd bit of self employed work I’ve done with them). I’m not even sure how my mat leave would be figured out. My thoughts were to invest myself here (pregnancy), and not burn that bridge by taking the role then going off, as I know they like me and I hope would still offer me the ad hoc work now and after pregnancy. Just bad timing 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi OP
Just to say I felt v similar to you. I came off contraception with an if it happens it happens attitude and got pregnant straight away. It totally floored me. I considered an abortion. I hated every minute of being pregnant even though it was medically uncomplicated. I cried whenever I told anyone which I ended up delaying as long as I could. It is quite isolating as it wasnt a mistake so its hard for people to understand and also I was aware other people have a hard time getting pregnant so I was lucky.

Pre natal anxiety and depression is surprisingly common. You are constantly reminded of how much your life is going to change...which is v daunting when you are happy with your life!

Anyway your family are being shit. And unsupportive. Just because they have been through something physically the same doesnt mean they know what you're feeling - its batshit to think everyone should react the same. And them saying you are upsetting them is horrible- what do they actually want you to do? Lie to them? Avoid them? If you feel upset or anxious then thts how you feel and you shouldn't have to pretend otherwise for fear of offending those who are closest to you

Loving being pregnant, glowing and magical, such a special time - just another bullshit message women are fed that we then beat up ourselves up about if we don’t feel it.

I'm so sorry you had to put up with such an onslaught from people whom you should be able to count on for support. I am simply appalled.
You were not feeling physically very well - I do hope you're feeling better now.

You'll be fine when the time comes.

There will be other career opportunities for you. However it wouldn't hurt to tell the people concerned about your pregnancy and that you would be interested if it was possible for a pregnant candidate to be considered for the job.

Good luck with it all.

Never been pregnant here, but my gut reaction is that they are effectively demanding that you to react to your pregnancy in the way that fits their script so that they can vicariously enjoy it.

It would be different if they were concerned, e.g. you don’t seem very happy about it, rmaun, is everything OK? But it feels much more like they are telling you off.

Well, sod that. It’s your pregnancy, not theirs.

They were uttter twats for sure but it doesn’t sound like you are sold on the idea of a baby and in my experience these situations often end in tears. Your life will change dramatically, your DH’s not as much. You’re already making career sacrifices and will likely take the brunt of the childcare and housework. You’re right that children do bring their parents joy but for many (you can read all the posts on here) the stress, drudgery and worry isn’t worth it.

It’s a valid choice not to have children and people have no business making comments to you about it.

The truth is your trying to deal with a lot at the moment and you need a bit of support. You don't need to hear well you are not excited about the pregnancy and in fact we think your misserable. I am glad your DH told them that you in better form once the sickness stops.
I know it was hard to turn down the job you worked hard for and wanted for the past few years. You had your reasons for doing this.

I have a friend who was in a similar position to you in the past. She had spent a number of years in college to get qualifications. She then turned down a job because long term she knew it was not going to be family friendly for another job. She ended up going pt in the job she took working 2 to 3 days a weeks when her kids were small.
Then she heard about her dream job. She had the qualifications and experience that got her an interview. She is now happy working in a great company.
So even though you turned down your dream job now it may come up again or perhaps something better will come up for you in a few years time.
Your doing the best you can in your current circumstances so if your mother and sister are being idiots talking before engaging their brains just ignore them. See if any of your friends can support you or post up here.
I hope that morning sickness and tiredness improve. Get your doctor to check your iron levels as if you anemic the tiredness can improve it you get your iron levels up.

They were rude and overbearing. Yanbu at being upset at having to deal with this drama when you’re feeling crap.

Huge sympathy from me. I had a v similar situation - pregnant v quickly, actually had a v early miscarriage and then got pregnant again immediately afterwards - so very lucky in way. But, had just accepted a new job, and was very ambivalent about how being pregnant would affect that and worried about telling them. And was generally just really grumpy and tired. My DH was lovely and supportive - my mum, who I’m very close to, was baffled and seemed almost offended by my attitude, and sort of said that if I felt like that then I shouldn’t be having a baby. I was furious and called her out on it - she apologised but I know still never understood how I felt.

Reflecting later I think it was the differences in our experiences - it took her years to get pregnant, so I think she was standing ready to support me when I struggled in that way. Was then surprised by my being pregnant and thought I should be grateful! Still find her lack of insight into my feelings a surprise tho - Really makes you doubt how well you are ‘known’ as you say.

On the job front btw - I had already accepted it (and resigned my other job) - but it also was a public sector, fixed term mat cover (tho I had negotiated a permanent contract). They were very good about it, and simply got mat cover for the mat cover - I was open and apologetic about the situation (when I was ok to be public about it) and I don’t think it harmed my relationships or professional standing at all - you could at least ask them maybe?

Nobody knows exactly how any other person feels. That's just daft.

I know this is not the point, but I'm intrigued as to what your job is.

Thanks everyone for your understanding, it’s really helped to know that I don’t seem like I’ve been totally unreasonable! It’s helpful to hear others experiences and perspectives too; really glad I posted.

@cottonwoolsnowmen i’m a CBT therapist but the job is a lecturing post.
@Zitouna after posting this I contacted the employed to explain my position; she’s lovely and I’m sure will be kind. I may be positively surprised by her response!

Me being pregnant was not a happy time (teenager, having to raise the baby alone, not being able to have the career I had dreamed of etc) The first trimester was awful I had bad sickness and tiredness like you but then I got used to the idea and started really enjoying it and the second and third trimester are so much easier! Your feelings are a lot more normal than people let on and I would be so upset at your family for thinking that way however they are probably just worried for you and want you to enjoy your time as much as they did. So I would tell them how much it upset you and you are still adjusting to the MASSIVE life change thats happening but you are fine dealing with it in your own way.

I agree with @Ilady too.
You are still young there is nothing stopping you from getting this dream job in a couple of years time.

Getting pregnant is a scary process. Not everyone will have an easy pregnancy, and depression in pregnancy is actually quite common.

Wishing you well.

I'd still discuss the appointment, taking into account your pregnancy, they may consider deferring anyway if it is 'you' they want

Skittle makes a very valid point - I apologise if this seems off but are you sure you actually want to have a child? You're not just bowing to social expectations are you?

My experience of pregnancy is that people can really surprise you with their reactions - especially those closest to you! I won't go into detail because it's a long story, but my mother said some really cutting, unpleasant things to me out of the blue that I really wasn't expecting. I've never looked at her the same way since. It was shocking and hurtful.

Also I have developed SPD and now I'm almost full term it's gotten really bad. I basically can't leave the house, and I live rurally so it's pretty shite at the moment. I wasn't expecting my mobility to be affected so severely, and it's had an impact on my marriage because my poor husband is running himself ragged doing absolutely everything. He even has to help me get dressed some mornings. My mother hasn't taken this seriously at all and has repeatedly told me that it's all just a normal part of pregnancy, I must have a low pain tolerance, and seems to think that my severe SPD since 16 weeks is the same as her being a bit sore after the baby dropped in her first pregnancy. Apparently I'm just a lazy, attention seeking wuss and she has no idea how I will cope with birth and motherhood.

But then some people have surprised me with how lovely they've been. People I wouldn't have expected to be that bothered have been very excited for me, contact me regularly for updates, and have offered to help out. I have a few friends who have insisted on giving up their Saturday night out to come and sit at home with me and eat take away because they know it's the only way I can socialise. (Note that I said FRIENDS, not family - I have found friends to be a better support, but it depends on your family I suppose)

Sorry if my post is rambling, I just wanted to share my experience to illustrate that pregnancy isn't always glowing and smiling, you are absolutely allowed to whinge if you want to, and that your family are being dicks and sadly that's not unusual.

I hope it all works out for you OP x