Ex turning kids against me

Notcool1984 · 2019-08-05T11:28:19+00:00

My ex and I have quite a strict weekly schedule where he has them two nights per week (but three full days) and I have them five nights. In the holidays we split the weeks 50-50. There are some reasons for me having them slightly longer, such as he can’t get them to school on time or to any after school activity, he doesn’t really wash or dress them well (he won’t for e.g brush DD’s hair) and his flat is quite shambolic, messy (not unhygienic just stuff everywhere). Saying that, he had a very close relationship with them both. He is very outdoorsy and takes them hiking and does lots of unscheduled fun stuff (climbing, swimming). They are 6 and 9. Whenever I pick them up he talks in front of them about how he should have them more and DS (9) wants to stay more nights with him. This then descends into a minor disagreement with me saying, no we have our routine in place and my DS getting upset; DS thinks I’m stopping him from time with his dad :( but it’s not a stable routine and home life there. In holidays it doesn’t really matter, but with school they will stay up late, bags under eyes, late for school, forget p.e kit etc. I’m not sure how to navigate this though. I can’t talk to DS about Exh faults as he thinks he is amazing, but I don’t want him to grow up thinking I stole him away, he does get them three days / two nights. DD (6) doesn’t mind, just wants to do what brother does. Aibu?

Jizzle · 05/08/2019 12:33

DS thinks you are stopping him from staying longer with his dad, because YOU ARE stopping him from staying longer with his dad, your DS has every right to be upset with you for that.

What you think of your ex and his living situation, as long as it is safe for the kids, (and frankly a little mess in the house doesn't make it unsafe), should not factor in to the decision on how the children spend their time.

If your ex wants them more, and your children want to be there more, what right do you have to stop them, it is in the best interest of the children and just makes you look selfish and uncaring.

Sunflowers11 · 05/08/2019 12:40

@Jizzle he gets more contact than most NRP, your just being goady.

Anotheruser02 · 05/08/2019 12:45

That's harsh Jizzle.

Did you not see this bit he can’t get them to school on time or to any after school activity, he doesn’t really wash or dress them well
That's parenting, you can't opt out of bits of their care and then have 50 50.

DistantDream · 05/08/2019 12:51

There are some reasons for me having them slightly longer, such as he can’t get them to school on time or to any after school activity, he doesn’t really wash or dress them well (he won’t for e.g brush DD’s hair) and his flat is quite shambolic, messy (not unhygienic just stuff everywhere).

The messy flat means absolutely nothing, you say it is hygienic. Many people live in mess. If he can't get them to school on time, you need to just inform school of what day his drop off is so he can get the moans. You are babying him here, if you want him to grow up then let him have he responsibility.

The washing/not brushing hair is subjective. When you mean he doesn't wash them well, what do you mean? Do you mean they have a simple wash and he brushes hair briefly? Or do you mean they come home with matted hair and filth all over them? Because the two are very different.

What you need to ask yourself is:

Is it just your standards are higher? Or is it actual concern for their safety/wellbeing? And is there a little bit of pearl clutching on your part?

Your title says he is turning them against you...I opened the thread thinking he had been dripping poison into their ear, not that he discusses contact in front of them (I agree not ideal!)

I would address your concerns with him and tell him it isn't on to do it in front of the kids, but ultimately if the kids want to spend more time with him and he keeps them safe then the reasons above don't amount to much. You do run the risk of your children blaming you.

Your children love you. They also love him. From the sounds of it you have both been muddling along nicely with contact until now.

Contact has to change as the years go by, that is the nature of it!

DistantDream · 05/08/2019 12:52

There are some reasons for me having them slightly longer, such as he can’t get them to school on time or to any after school activity, he doesn’t really wash or dress them well (he won’t for e.g brush DD’s hair) and his flat is quite shambolic, messy (not unhygienic just stuff everywhere).

The messy flat means absolutely nothing, you say it is hygienic. Many people live in mess. If he can't get them to school on time, you need to just inform school of what day his drop off is so he can get the moans. You are babying him here, if you want him to grow up then let him have he responsibility.

The washing/not brushing hair is subjective. When you mean he doesn't wash them well, what do you mean? Do you mean they have a simple wash and he brushes hair briefly? Or do you mean they come home with matted hair and filth all over them? Because the two are very different.

What you need to ask yourself is:

Is it just your standards are higher? Or is it actual concern for their safety/wellbeing? And is there a little bit of pearl clutching on your part?

Your title says he is turning them against you...I opened the thread thinking he had been dripping poison into their ear, not that he discusses contact in front of them (I agree not ideal!)

I would address your concerns with him and tell him it isn't on to do it in front of the kids, but ultimately if the kids want to spend more time with him and he keeps them safe then the reasons above don't amount to much. You do run the risk of your children blaming you.

Your children love you. They also love him. From the sounds of it you have both been muddling along nicely with contact until now.

Contact has to change as the years go by, that is the nature of it!

NanooCov · 05/08/2019 12:52

I think next time he tries to have this conversation in front of the kids you just calmly shut it down and say you'll talk to him later. It's not fair of him to raise it in front of the kids when it's inevitably going to lead to an argument. Take back control of the conversation by refusing to engage at handback time and set aside time to talk about it without the kids around.

NanooCov · 05/08/2019 12:52

I think next time he tries to have this conversation in front of the kids you just calmly shut it down and say you'll talk to him later. It's not fair of him to raise it in front of the kids when it's inevitably going to lead to an argument. Take back control of the conversation by refusing to engage at handback time and set aside time to talk about it without the kids around.

kateandme · 05/08/2019 12:57

has he said he would have them more.or is he being goady to look good in front of son?
not saying you are wrong.but if you call his bluff?would it be a testing period.clear rules laid down again but that it will go straight back if he negects their needs again?
could you maybe put it into words your son can handle.like he gets tired at dads and you need to make sure he has proper sleep and washes.

newmomof1 · 05/08/2019 12:59

Does he actually want them more?
Is he a good dad?
Are they safe with him?
If so, there's no reason you shouldn't let them stay there more. The rest can be discussed and improved on sensibly.

Waveysnail · 05/08/2019 13:00

Let them stay an extra night a week. Then they have 3 nights with dad and 4 nights with you.

jesuschristwtf · 05/08/2019 13:04

sorry OP - it does sound as if you don't want them there because its just not up to your standard.

LuluBellaBlue · 05/08/2019 13:11

I’d offer him 50/50 and see how it goes?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 05/08/2019 13:16

It doesn’t sound at all like he is turning them against you. It really doesn’t.

Your son’s request is reasonable? He wants more time with his dad.

Firstly I would call or email your ex and say that in future he is not to discuss contact arrangements with or in front of the DC. Tell him he should call/text/email you later and not bring it up at handover time.

Secondly, as advised above, tell the school what days he is responsible for drop off and make sure they have his number. Don’t pick up his slack. Those are his days to sort out.

He should be supervising teeth brushing, face washing and doing hair brushing every morning and evening he has them. That’s basic. If they’re with him for 3 days there should be a bath/shower in there somewhere too.

House tidyness isn’t really an issue as long as it’s clean, DC have clean clothes and clean space to sleep and eat.

Pythonesque · 05/08/2019 13:19

Do you ever get weekends with your kids in which you can be the one who does fun stuff with them? Maybe the whole plan needs re-addressing - is your eldest able to take on more responsibility for "making sure Dad knows what he's got to get us to when", for example?

ColaFreezePop · 05/08/2019 13:29

Simply say to your ex - "It is not right to discuss this now in front of our children as it's not in their best interests to do so" then close any conversation down by repeating this like a broken record. This is because it is true.

I also suggest you keep the weekly arrangements but go halfs on all long holidays, and alternate half terms.

ColaFreezePop · 05/08/2019 13:35

Oh and he's not turning your children against you - they just like what they are doing with their dad and want more of it.

If you share the holidays equally in blocks then you will be doing that. It may then get to where they are 13+ where they will refuse to do that and you will have to deal with grumpy teenagers for longer.

Ariela · 05/08/2019 14:03

At 6 & 9 I'd expect them to a) know how to and always brush their teeth themselves and b) to be able to brush their hair themselves (cutting short enough if necessary), and c) to know how to and how often to wash themselves properly., and I'd send them to their father's equipped with the right equipment to do this.
I'd also delegate responisbility for PE equipment to them 'now remember X, you need your PE kit here for tomorrow and Y you need this bag of swimming stuff for Wednesday, You both need to take responsibility for making sure you take your things to school on the correct day, so when you get to Dad's make sure you know where you have put it, and don't forget! '

Original poster

Notcool1984 · 05/08/2019 14:33

Maybe I am being unreasonable then. It’s hard to explain. I don’t have high standards, it’s just his house is so messy (you have to step over boxes and clothes, piles of stuff) and he can’t get them into clean clothes for school or there on time, he also won’t do homework with them or take them to their swimming lesson for e.g because he is against organised activities. It’s quite hard as I think a basic hygiene routine is important. I don’t want my daughter turning up late to school with messy hair, food on her face and without a decent morning snack for e.g.

OP posts:

Original poster

Notcool1984 · 05/08/2019 14:35

Lots of ace advice by the way thanks!!

OP posts:

stucknoue · 05/08/2019 14:36

Can't you have a conversation with ex explaining your concerns and to allow are consideration of living arrangements he needs to take them seriously

Italiangreyhound · 05/08/2019 14:44

It sounds like he focuses on the fun stuff and just lets himself off the other normal parenting chores. Not good at all.

I think in your shoes I would insist that you and he discuss stuff privately away from kids.

If he is not feeding them properly and not getting them to school properly he is not doing good. But he does the fun stuff and they like that. It's not a surprise.

I think it is good to work out what is best for the kids and stick to that. Do you have your arrangements in writing?

Original poster

Notcool1984 · 05/08/2019 14:59

We don’t unfortunately have it in writing and to be honest I couldn’t afford the lawyers bills right now. He is quite a shambolic person and I do feel a bit more of a routine is better. Especially for my 6 year old DD. To be honest I don’t want her going to school without being cleaned properly. The 9 year old can obviously jump in the shower and brush his teeth but DD still needs reminded of these things. I don’t really want to put the responsibility of remembering their p.e kits or to prepare their own snacks etc. I feel like it is his responsibility.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 05/08/2019 15:04

It is his responsibility and he is failing at it. But likes the fun stuff. Do what is best for the kids. It's not able him or you, it's the kids. That extra night in the week will probably not be loads of fun anyway, it does seem like he wants more time with them for no reason if he is not prepared to take any responsibility. Does he wash the clothes, shop and cook, or does he rely on you to send clothes/food etc?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 05/08/2019 15:12

At 6 & 9 I'd expect them to a) know how to and always brush their teeth themselves

At those ages they still need supervising.

and b) to be able to brush their hair themselves (cutting short enough if necessary)

Again, help required, especially at 6. This doesn’t mean hair should be short.

and I'd send them to their father's equipped with the right equipment to do this.

He is their father- he can provide toothbrushes, toothpaste, shampoo, soap and hairbrushes for his children at his house.

I'd also delegate responisbility for PE equipment to them

It’s fine to remind them what days have which activities but the responsibility still falls to him to check they have it. He is their parent.

You seem to be putting all the responsibility on OP and the dc and absolving him of any.

DistantDream · 05/08/2019 15:15

Maybe I am being unreasonable then. It’s hard to explain. I don’t have high standards, it’s just his house is so messy (you have to step over boxes and clothes, piles of stuff) and he can’t get them into clean clothes for school or there on time, he also won’t do homework with them or take them to their swimming lesson for e.g because he is against organised activities. It’s quite hard as I think a basic hygiene routine is important. I don’t want my daughter turning up late to school with messy hair, food on her face and without a decent morning snack for e.g.

The taking them to clubs sounds like a difference of opinion in parenting but surely can we worked around by him not having her that night?

The rest of it is fair enough, I would be contacting him and saying I would be more than happy for him to have them more but the above needs to be addressed. I would do a trial run.