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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to take this job

15 replies

Louloubelle78 · 05/08/2019 00:37

Hello everyone. I'd greatly appreciate your views on this.

18 months ago I moved in with my partner and built a posh shed in the garden that I use to run my beauty business. I also do business consulting for the company that made me redundant three years ago. At that point I did a complete u turn on my career and retrained in beauty. The main reason is because my son has special needs and he was having massive issues with mainstream school. The time out helped me to get him diagnosed, fill out the ten trillion forms needed to get help etc.

Last week I recieved an email out of the blue from old boss, who I enjoyed working for asking if I would join his business as a Director. His business is going well. The job is a perfect combination of my skills and background and I could do it well. The job is full time, but with flexible working and a local office. Salary is reasonable with a car and bonus.

Here is the thing. I feel really nervous as my son is starting a new special school, first school which can meet his needs in September. He will be taxied to and from school. I can afford to get an after school nanny to meet him at home and be with him till about 5.30 when I would get back. I am used to being my own boss and being able to flex for appointments, issues with school etc. I have explained the situation to new/ old boss and he understands. I have no family locally to call on in an emergency. My partner works long hours in the city so would never be able to help. New job starts end of October.

My partner is generally great. My bug bear has always been that because I am at home working I should be able to hold down fulfilling full time house duties. I explained things would definitely need to change. His 15 year old step-daughter lives with us and she does absolutely nothing around the house and we have argued about it before. However, that is another thread. His response was I could pay for a cleaner out of my wages ....don't think the point was quite landing, this makes the house my responsibility again.

I just don't know whether to take this job. Financially despite now having to pay childcare I would be slightly better off but will lose my flexibility. Career wise it is a real sound move. I have also been feeling very lonely at home and getting a bit down, despite my lovely clients.

Second question is on the money situation. Up to now I have just paid the food bill (not cheap about £600 a month (my partner eats loads!) I have also paid for stuff around the house. We live in his house, I rent mine out. However, I always have this feeling of 'this my house' from him. With the extra salary I think he is expecting me to help furnish and finish a massive renovation job. I think if it remains 'his house' I should pay half of all the bills and food and cleaner etc from a joint account once I have this job. Do you think that is fair? Unless we have some formal agreement about my interest in the house I don't see why I should pay for these things.

Sorry for the two partner question but they are linked ....honest! Any views or experiences greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Indicative · 05/08/2019 01:15

Do not spend on his renovations etc. It is indeed "his" house. I suspect he does not pay any maintenance etc on yours.

He actually does not sound that great! I would take the job to guarantee a decent salary for when you do leave him.

MoccaIceCream · 05/08/2019 06:41

could you easily go back to what you are doing now if the job doesn't work out?

I have a teen with complex needs and just had to leave work and become unemployed as things got tougher and no school holiday childcare is available for her so I completely understand why you value certain aspects of your current working arrangement.

do you have school holiday childcare? how would DS cope with SS and having a nanny all afternoon (my DD would not). If you think it is doable, and you can return to what you are doing now, I probably would give it a go.

7yo7yo · 05/08/2019 06:44

Get your rented house back and move out with your son.
Take the job.
Leave this irresponsible twit on his own.
It doesn’t sound like he brings anything to your life anyway.
And no way would I be putting my money into a house that’s not even mine!

newmomof1 · 05/08/2019 06:49

You live in his house with your child and all you pay for is the food shopping? You're living the life of Riley there and should absolutely be doing all of the housework.

However, if you are willing to split the bills 50/50 then yes, you should be entitled to feel like it's your home and should be able to make decisions regarding the house etc.
This would also mean all of the household chores are 50/50 and his daughter should also be doing her chores.

Pineapplefish · 05/08/2019 06:55

The job sounds like a really good opportunity and I think you should definitely give it a go.

Your partner is not coming across well here at all! Why on earth should you pay for a cleaner out of your salary - why is it your responsibility not his to keep the house clean? And why should you pay for renovations to his house? Your suggestions of splitting bills sounds like a much fairer and more normal approach.

heartshapedknob · 05/08/2019 07:01

I would take the job - starting in October will mean you have a half term to iron out any issues with your child’s new routine - and pay half the bills (including the cleaner.) Then reassess in a few months because your partner comes across quite badly in this.

heartshapedknob · 05/08/2019 07:06

Posted too soon.

Reassess as in, hope that your partner has stopped asking you to add value to his house (although maybe a small rent would be appropriate given you are living there whilst renting your own house out) if he has asked your SD to undertake the basic chores expected of any member of the household.

On the plus side, it sounds like you have a decent escape route if you need one - house, secure job etc.

Louloubelle78 · 05/08/2019 19:05

Thanks for all your advice everyone. I really appreciate it.
@MoccaIceCream I could go back but it would mean looking for new clients etc. Am sure some would come back but it would be an uphill struggle. I changed to the career to be at home. Life is tough isn't it? I could be around a couple of nights a week and he'd be with a nanny for about 2.5 hours. As long as they can listen to a monologue on Minecraft I am sure he'd be fine!
@newmomof1 can see that it looks like the life of Riley but believe me working full time at home trying to build a business, caring full time for an 8 year old with no school place and special needs is not the life of Riley. I got into debt having 8 months not working during the move and have been using my earnings to claw my account back to 0. I am also paying back a £10k debt from building and kitting out my salon which I wouldn't have had without the move. I have practically no disposable income after I have paid out for everything.

Another dimension is my son's father despite earning £180k last year has never paid any CMA. If I had that money coming in there would be less pressure.

I feel my partner has got very selfish. I have sort of kept my mouth shut on a lot of topics over the last 18 months as he has supported me starting my business again. However, I left behind a thriving business at my old place. So I think it was part of what he needed to take on.

Have had a really good chat with a close friend today. She has pointed out we have not really blended our families and he has just benefited from having someone to look after his daughter and get the dinner on the table. Everything I suggest we do together is never good enough. I am going to be having a very serious chat with him tonight.

An outsider's view has been really helpful. Thank-you

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 06/08/2019 06:02

Oh ok so you spent money you don't have now have on something you wanted and now have to pay it back so DP should have to cover costs to support you and your son? I'm still not understanding why you don't contribute to the bills unless your business is really not doing well at the moment?

There are a lot of people on here with shitty DP's and I don't think you're one of them.

But either way I hope you managed to sort things out and reach some compromise

Louloubelle78 · 12/09/2019 10:17

Just a little update. I took the job. Told my partner whats what as far as the house is concerned. We had a big argument but he now miraculously cleans up his own shit. Step-daughter washed a saucepan without being asked the other day....major leap forward. My son is settling nicely in school and I have employed a wonder Nanny who will literally sort my life out and look after my son 3 days a week. I start in a month, wish me luck!

OP posts:
SunniDay · 12/09/2019 10:30

Thanks for the update OP. Hope The job goes well!

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2019 10:55

Loads of luck OP! Sounds like things are going really well. Wishing you all the best.

Louloubelle78 · 12/09/2019 16:48

Thanks @AnneLovesGilbert and @SunniDay

OP posts:
IfIKnewThenWhatIKnowNow · 12/09/2019 19:17

Good luck OP!!! Love a good news story :)

swissmilk · 13/09/2019 09:35

That sounds wonderful op, all the best for the new school and the new job

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