To think this is strange behaviour?

[Mozfan]

My parents live quite a way from us. About a 4-5 hour drive.
I moved away from hometown over 6 years ago and since then we’ve had our baby son, who is now 9 and a half months old.

My mum in particular seems to act jealous on a regular basis because my in laws see him a couple of times a week. She is upset a lot of the time because she feels she’s missing out on spending time with him. However she doesn’t work and has free travel on the railway due to my dad’s work (she doesn’t drive). She’s been up to visit quite a few times but it always seems like it’s a huge effort and she seems to can’t wait to get back home again.

I spoke to her today about coming up to stay before I go back to work next month, she was really evasive about it and kept saying I was putting too much pressure on. I only asked as I thought she wanted to come up. It’s mixed messages all the time.
If I then say to her “I thought you wanted to see him/spend more time with him” she gets really defensive and starts getting upset/confrontational and occasionally ends the phone call 🤷‍♀️ I just find it all so confusing!
She doesn’t like travelling on her own or travelling full stop really. Before I had my DS she’d never come up to visit by herself, only with my dad or brother.

She often says things like she doesn’t want to know if I’m going to my in laws and not to tell her as it upsets her too much!

Sorry for the long and confusing post.

It does sound as if she is sending mixed messages.

I think I would continue to let her know she is welcome to come and stay, and spend time with him (and you) and leave it at that.

I get that you don't want to feel you have to censor what you say to her but it's the only part of this that's under your control really so I don't think you have any option if you want things to change. Figure out what the triggers are for her starting a rant and studiously avoid them, don't give her any ammunition basically. Don't push for visits, ask once and leave her to decide. It almost sounds as if you're being guilted into pushing for her to visit because she complains about IL's being closer but you don't have to respond like that, you could just make sympathetic noises and change the subject!

I think it's really easy in this situation to get completely entrenched in your position, to refuse to modify your approach to her (because you know she's being unfair and ridiculous) and end up repeating the same old patterns. But it's you who will benefit from changing those patterns, adopting a sort of 'grey rock' approach will give her far fewer opportunities to wind you up or make you feel guilty which can only be good for you.

What a passive-aggressive pain in the arse your mum is. Stop playing her game and stop wasting your time asking her to visit. I would be limiting contact with her and let her get on with her miserable self.

I suppose if she feels it’s difficult for her to travel alone and get up to see the baby, it could be hard to hear about the in-laws seeing the baby all the time. Just another perspective?

Sorry but I do feel for you mom OP. You said she doesn’t like travelling alone. 4-5hrs is a long time to travel alone. Can’t you go and stay with your parents for a few days? People take babies younger than yours abroad.

You said that she finds travelling alone really difficult so getting the train to yours may be really mentally hard for her.

She is also probably sad that you or her can't pop over for a couple of hours it's a few days or not at all.

Her fussing about visiting is not mixed messages but her finding it impossible to do. You asking her is real pressure for her whilst it would be nothing for someone else.

Can you go to her ?

She's probably had an idea in her head about what it would be like to have grandchildren. In her mind, she probably thought you would live close, she'd be a big part of their lives etc.
She's probably just grieving for what she hoped it would be .
Can you Skype more? Maybe ask for advice so she feels needed?

Mozfan to be honest it does sound like mixed messages a bit to me, in that when she is with you she wants to get back home. But there could be a ton of reasons for that.

In some ways it sounds quite straight forward. She'd like to see more of her grandson and she feels jealous your in laws see him more often. She doesn't want you to tell her about it because she feels jealous (so try not to tell her).

However, for whatever reason, she doesn't like travelling alone by train.

Maybe, I guess, she is hoping you will offer to come and see her more often. i'd just be really open with her. You'd love to see her but if she cannot come it's fine. Agree with Skyping in etc.

You are totally right to have moved and have your own life, of course, but from her point of view, she probably would love to see her grandson on her own terms, at her house etc more often than for it to be a major journey to see him. Can't be helped, just make sure she feels important in his life and yet not under pressure. Good luck.

If she hates to travel I can see why you talking about going to your in-laws (or even them napping in to see you) might not be something she wants to hear about. From her perspective your in-laws get lots of small visits that they don’t have to put nearly as much work into while she has to go through what might be, to her, an ordeal to come and see you and when she does it’s probably full on - presumably she’s staying for quite a while (overnight?) if there’s that much traveling. She’s probably hoping for the the sort of cuddle with the baby and hand him back when he cries then wave everyone off and sit down with a cup of tea and memories type of visit. Not, Steele yourself for a long train journey you detest (get anxiety about?), get through that, turn up hold the baby, hand him back then have to kill lots of time away from your home comforts type of visit.

Of course she’s a grown up so the fact that life isn’t meeting her expectations in what is, really, quite a mild way is something she ought to be just sucking up and making the best off. So YANBU, but I don’t think what you’ve described is necessarily mixed messages. It sounds like she just wants you to do the work and her to get cuddles.

I do go down there as often as I can but he absolutely hates being in the car seat for so long and the last time we went he was inconsolable for the last part of the journey. We went on holiday with them for a week a couple of weeks ago, drove 5 hours to South Wales from where we live in Yorkshire and spent the week with them and my brother too.
So I do make the effort a lot.
I just found it odd that she keeps getting upset about not seeing him enough and that my in laws see him more, but the opportunity is there to come more often. I get that she doesn’t like travelling, as I have anxiety too. But she won’t admit she has anxiety about it. She’s a really difficult person to talk to a lot of the time.