Why do people lie in relationships?

[SnappyHippo]

To someone they’re meant to care about?

I’ve recently had a short term relationship with someone finish. I have some health problems and was completely honest with him from the start, told him how things affected me and what it would likely mean long term. He said he didn’t have a problem with it. I’d asked him about 3 times since things started getting slightly more serious if he was sure and that he could walk away if it was too much. Again I was told it wasn’t a problem, not to think of myself as being a problem and that he was willing to do whatever to make things work because he wanted to be with me. Literally a week later he’s said it’s too much and he doesn’t want to be with me. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I stayed single for a long time because I knew my health problems would make relationships difficult, just when I started to let myself believe this person might actually want to stick around it’s all been taken away again.

I fully understand people can’t know for sure until they’ve lived with it a while but that’s why I asked a few times after we’d been together a while and was told everything was ok. I’m feeling really upset and like no one would want to be with me like this because it’s all too much.

Because they're lazy or greedy or both or have simply realised they've taken on more than they can cope with. Or you said or did something they didn't like. Who knows? Hundreds of possibilities. It doesn't matter, move on, don't let this prevent you from finding a partner. Everyone's different.

I suppose he could have just changed his mind. I think it’s common to think you can handle something then decide that actually you can’t.

Was it a lie though?

Maybe he genuinely thought it wouldn't be a problem or genuinely hoped it wouldn't.

Maybe he was keen enough and serious enough to do some research off his own bat and realised he couldn't.

People do and can change their minds.

Still sucks though. 💐

Yes I feel like it was a lie. How do you change from ‘I’ll do anything I can to make this work with you because I really like you’ to not wanting to be with someone because it’s too much in the space of a week without already having doubts? Why not say I need time to decide or see how things are for a bit first? Instead I feel like he’s let me start to get feelings for him by telling me everything was fine which makes the fact that he doesn’t harder to cope with because it’s come out of the blue in relation to what he was saying to me.

I’ve found men to change their feelings quite quickly so maybe he meant it in the moment.

I don’t think it was a lie as such if he ment it at the time but then got further in and had second thoughts
So sorry you are dealing with this but it is fair enough that he had a honey moon period then wanted to bail
I’ve had lots of relationships where I’ve been really enthusiastic at the start and then cooled

Obviously we have no idea what "condition" you have so hard to say, but perhaps you keep asking him made him think more about it. Perhaps it wasn't a problem until you asked for the 3rd time. Maybe then he thought..."blimey, it must really be a problem if she keeps going on about it. If she doesn't think this will work then maybe if wont".

Next time maybe let the other person decide instead of you keep going on about it.

Perhaps it wasn't a problem until you asked for the 3rd time. Maybe then he thought..."blimey, it must really be a problem if she keeps going on about it. If she doesn't think this will work then maybe if wont".

Yes, there’s every possibility that he believed he could deal with it, but the fact that you kept asking made him think it was a far bigger issue than he had anticipated, so he opted to cut and run.

A bit shit of him, yes. But not necessarily a deliberate lie.

There is a thread at the moment where the Op describes a “long relationship, short marriage” and is now thinking about leaving. I want to ask why she got married if things weren’t great between them, but know I will get comments of being unhelpful. I suppose she just changed her mind. It happens.

I'm sorry, op

The fact that this particular person decided it was too much for him only means that it was too much for this one man. It doesn't mean nobody else would want to be with you or nobody else would cope.

What is it specifically that worries you about your condition and a relationship? Does it restrict you and you're worried a partner would feel restricted too? Do you have care needs?

I don't expect you to post the answer for us all to pore over, but maybe it's something for you to think about and maybe talk about with a professional or someone you trust? It might be that other people wouldn't see it the way you do, or there could be other ways to manage it that would make you feel more at ease...

I don't know, these are just vague thoughts as I don't know you. I just wonder whether the barrier here isn't more your feelings about your condition, than other people. And that's something that might be changeable with some time and support.