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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To kindly let oh know that I don't like expensive anniversary gift

29 replies

LongWalkShortPlank · 04/08/2019 11:31

My oh and I are currently at opposite sides of the world and today is our anniversary. He had forgotten until Friday when he opened the packages I had sent with his gifts in and then he sent stuff quickly from amazon prime.

He's still asleep because of the time difference and so I peeked when a box arrived this morning. When I saw the label my heart sunk a bit. Its expensive, flashy, huge sunglasses that I'd never wear and didn't need. We've talked about this before when he bought a pair for himself and he really did know that I would never wear this style anyway, but in his trying to make up for forgetting a gift he's gone a bit overboard, with more still to come.

He's a high earner and puts a lot of focus on brands where I don't and I often end up with gifts that I think HE thinks I should have and not things I'll like. With that said he is the loveliest man and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I can't keep these. I want to talk to him and return them, but what's the most tactful way to do this? Amazon does offer a return to gift card policy without the buyer knowing, but I'm not happy with how underhanded that is in this scenario and want to be honest.

OP posts:
LesLavandes · 04/08/2019 11:35

Yabu.

OverpricedFloorCushion · 04/08/2019 11:36

Well, he would know that the su glasses have disappeared and that you're not wearing them, so returning them discreetly won't work anyway.

I would tell him, better that than having to either wear them or make excuses forever about forgetting to bring them etc.

Im sure he would rather you had something you would actually use.

Sparklesocks · 04/08/2019 11:38

Best to be honest, partners should be able to talk openly about these things - sneakily sending them back is a bit underhanded. You should be able to tell the person you love that you love them but don’t love their gift.

Ninkaninus · 04/08/2019 11:38

I’d return them and would t worry about it.

MT2017 · 04/08/2019 11:38

How would you feel if the situation was reversed and he "kindly" told you he didn't like your choice of gifts?

Hmm
Kaykay06 · 04/08/2019 11:39

That’s not unreasonable at all
Surely a partner should remember an anniversary and not just buy the most convenient flashy gift that’s had no effort put into to as he is aware it’s not a brand/style you like so not thoughtful at all.

Just explain to him and return them for something you would like. Seems sad he’s so far away yet not thinking of you and forgets your anniversary and can’t be bothered thinking of something you’d like (which doesn’t have to cost the earth)

Ninkaninus · 04/08/2019 11:41

I expect the situation wouldn’t be reversed because OP wouldn’t forget and the hurriedly order something off Amazon that she had already been told he wouldn’t like.

I also wouldn’t be offended or upset if something I bought for my OH didn’t hit the spot and he wanted to return it. I hate waste and I wouldn’t want him to hang on to things he doesn’t actually want - it’s a waste of money, a waste of physical space and a waste of emotional space, too.

BlackCatSleeping · 04/08/2019 11:43

I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. Unwanted presents are so wasteful. Exchange them for something you really want.

CodenameVillanelle · 04/08/2019 11:43

Try them on and say they are a bit big/uncomfortable etc and change them for a different style. Expensive sunglasses are worth the cost if you can afford them and there must be a less flashy style you can choose?

Original poster
LongWalkShortPlank · 04/08/2019 11:47

I already have a pair of raybans, simple black ones that I love and have had for years, which he knows.

If it was reversed and he didn't like a gift I'd rather he told me so we could get something he does like. It's not coming from a place of maliciousness at all, more of a not wanting to waste his money on something that I really won't use. I did try them on just in case they looked better on but they just don't suit me. There's been some great advice on here, thank you!

OP posts:
crisscrosscranky · 04/08/2019 11:48

YANBU. I insist my DH buys gifts with easy return policies as he's rubbish at good presents and always thinks his idea is better than something from 'the list' Hmm

Amazon is one of the easiest for returns Wink

imarocketman50 · 04/08/2019 11:49

This is why we no longer do surprises for each other. We both work hard for our money and neither of us want to waste it. We do a list of things and the other selects from that.

fedup21 · 04/08/2019 11:51

I would say thank you, it’s really thoughtful and you could probably do with a new pair but that you’ve tried them on and they are just too big for you. Would he mind if you exchanged them for a pair like the one size you already have?

Idontwanttotalk · 04/08/2019 11:53

He's the loveliest chap? He can't be bothered to remember your anniversary, doesn't take note to when you tell him the sort of things you dislike, takes no notice of you not liking designer brands yet you don't want to hurt his feelings?

I would return these glasses for a gift card without any hesitation.

If I were you I would then have a serious talk when he returns home about not being listened to and my views being ignored. If he can't take on board your views then he isn't worth having as a husband.

Original poster
LongWalkShortPlank · 04/08/2019 11:57

Yes, he is a lovely man. He lost track of the date rather than forgetting what date our anniversary is, hardly the crime of the century. I agree, he could do better with understanding that when I say I don't need expensive brands I mean it. But I hardly think that him wanting me to have the best of something makes him worthless as a husband. He just wants to take care of us back home but he's no expert on women's gifts. This thread has got a little off track and oh bashing was never part of the plan. Thank you to everyone who offered real advice.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 04/08/2019 11:59

Why on earth would you tell him it was really thoughtful? He forgot and then panic bought something from amazon! That's the opposite of thoughtful!
Just say it's not your style and can you swap them for something else?

BlackCatSleeping · 04/08/2019 12:12

It’s not very romantic but if he’s bad at choosing gifts for you, why not make up an Amazon gift list?

JoJoSM2 · 04/08/2019 12:16

Just tell him.

DH and I find it difficult to buy for each other as we have different tastes. To help the situation, we either give each other very obvious hints or go shopping together.

AngelasAshes · 04/08/2019 12:19

Some loved ones are rubbish at gift buying. I am one. I try to think of something the person would like and agonise over it so much that I am often late. Not from forgetting but from looking for something, second and third guessing and then getting frustrated and telling myself to tackle it later. I end up picking something I would like and sending that usually late but no earlier than last minute.

So to rescue my relationships, I now use the amazon wish lists to select gifts. It is such a relief to finally be able to buy something I know they want and like.

Yeah, it’s not a surprise gift but with me surprise gifts were always a miss no matter how hard I tried.

Maybe with your OH you can thank him for sunglasses but start using the wish list and for next year just gently say you’d love to get anything he picks from that list.

thesunwillout · 04/08/2019 12:25

Just say thanks but they were far too tight, big, small, slid down.
Return them.

AngelasAshes · 04/08/2019 12:27

@burnoutbabe and @Idontwanttotalk

I think you are being unreasonably harsh. A bad present panic bought does not automatically mean lack of effort or thought. Some people are just rubbish at buying gifts. This doesn’t make then bad people to have a relationship with any more than being in a relationship with a hopeless cook.

KUGA · 04/08/2019 12:34

I would tell him a little white lie and say the lense had a scratch on it.
So you returned them,but also they weren't the greatest of fit.
So you didn't re-order.

Youvegotafriendinme · 04/08/2019 12:39

DH bought me a ted baker leather jacket at the beginning of the year after I mentioned I would like a leather jacket. This one was not to my taste or style at all and I really didn’t like it unfortunately. I had to be honest with him as it cost so much and I just knew I wouldn’t wear it. Of course he was a bit down hearted but he would have rather I told him than waste it.

DMIL is an absolute nightmare for not liking things or already having it and not saying something. We once gave her a pandora charm and as she opened it I saw it was already on her bracelet! She just said she loved it and thanked us. I told her she’s already got it, gave her the receipt and told her to go change it but she said “no I’ll have 2!” I had to take her to change it! The amount of money I’ve wasted over the years buying her things and she never uses it/wears it.

I’d much rather someone change something than waste it

SomeAfternoonDelight · 04/08/2019 13:08

Tell him OP. I’ve spent 100s on gifts for my DP which he said he liked after being repeatedly asked because he’s quite hard to buy for (he has everything). So after spending a lot he now never wears the £300 leather jacket and £300 shoes or a ridiculously priced scarf... And I am deeply upset that I’ve WASTED money a lot of fucking money on something he doesn’t like, and had he just have told me i could have gotten him something else after he had picked, he did this to ‘save’ my feelings. Tell him.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 04/08/2019 13:10

Expensive sunglasses are worth the cost

How are they worth it?!