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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want to do something on our own?

16 replies

CupcakesForAll · 04/08/2019 10:21

H has DC from previous relationship.

This is nothing to do with my relationship with the kids, I think they are great and we get on really well.

But every time we have a free day at the weekend (as in not one of our contact days, which is rare) and we arrange to do something together he always starts saying he feels bad and will then call and ask his ex if he can take the kids with us and then drop them back off.

AIBU to wish just one time that we could go out together for the day just us? I work long hours in the week so don't get much time together as it is.

He has his kids 3 nights a week so it's not like he hardly has them.

I had a natural miscarriage at home this week whilst the kids were staying with us. It was really hard and I've been a bit wobbly ever since. I was just really looking forward to going out today just us.

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 04/08/2019 10:31

No yanbu. Have you actually told him how you feel?

Sorry for your loss

OhioOhioOhio · 04/08/2019 10:32

Yanbu but I don't really think he is either. Maybe you could get time alone and he could take them all out this weekend? He sounds like a nice guy.

Cherrysoup · 04/08/2019 10:34

Tell him. Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

SummerWhisper · 04/08/2019 10:35

It's a perfectly reasonable way to feel and a perfecyly reasonable request to make. The issue could be that your bond is stronger with him but his may be with his children. It sounds like he is a great parent but needs to step up in the partner stakes and put you first this week after what you have been through. Ask him. I hope it works out. Flowers

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 04/08/2019 10:36

Yes and no....
You knew he had DC when you got together and also about the amount of contact he has....he seems like a lovely and involved father (plenty of other threads on here about the fathers who barely have a day a week etc)

I know you are going through a tough time and that doesn't help but talk to him and maybe arrange an adult only activity on a weekend that he couldn't possibly invite the kids to

Blondebakingmumma · 04/08/2019 10:36

Term the outing as a date

PlinketyPlinketyPlonk · 04/08/2019 10:36

AIBU to wish just one time that we could go out together for the day just us?

YANBU... But have you actually told him?

I don't think he's BU either, but in light of your recent miscarriage I don't think it WBU for you to say to him you need a bit of quiet time just the two of you.

TheInvestigator · 04/08/2019 10:38

Even parents who live together with their children will often arrange childcare so they can have a day out alone, so it's quite ridiculous that you aren't getting that when the kids don't even live with you full time.

You need to tell him how you feel and tell him that you need time for just the 2 of you. If you can't tell him that, or if he won't listen, then you have bigger problems than just missing on days out.

Original poster
CupcakesForAll · 04/08/2019 10:53

I don't mind 9 times out of 10. It's just occasionally I'd like to just go out for lunch together or something.

I've not said anything but I just wanted to check I wasn't being unreasonable before I did.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 04/08/2019 11:01

I had a natural miscarriage at home this week whilst the kids were staying with us. It was really hard and I've been a bit wobbly ever since. I was just really looking forward to going out today just us.

So, today was one of those rare days where it was just you and him at the weekend, and he's invited the kids over?

I don't think that's good, actually. You've just had a miscarriage and need time to recuperate, and he should have been thinking about you and your needs, as well.

It's good that he seems to be an involved dad, but he also needs to nuture his relationship with you.

Original poster
CupcakesForAll · 06/08/2019 08:48

He is an involved dad and that's great. It's one of the reasons I love him so much but I just wish sometimes we could do something together.

We went on a walk around a nice old town once and if there was anything we could go inside and look at/do he would say 'we will come back and do that with the kids'. I think yes that's fine, we'll come back and do it again with the kids but why can't we enjoy ourselves now too?

OP posts:
Babdoc · 06/08/2019 08:58

OP, I’m concerned that your DP isn’t on the same page as you, with regard to your relationship. How long have you been together? Have you ever spent time alone as a couple going on dates? Does he see you as a useful pair of hands for assisting him with childcare, or does he actually love you as a partner?
If he invited the kids round when you’re recovering from a miscarriage, I’d say he sounds like an insensitive shit. “Never mind that your child’s dead, here’s all of mine to rub your nose in it”.
OP, I’d reconsider this relationship.

Daffodil2018 · 06/08/2019 09:06

We went on a walk around a nice old town once and if there was anything we could go inside and look at/do he would say 'we will come back and do that with the kids'. I think yes that's fine, we'll come back and do it again with the kids but why can't we enjoy ourselves now too?

My DH is like this about his parents. Every time we go somewhere nice he says "my Mum/Dad would love this" and immediately starts planning to bring them there. We went away to a hotel for the weekend recently and had an amazing time. When he came back from paying the bill he said he'd just booked for us to come again next year ... with his parents. I don't mind it really but sometimes I just want to enjoy an experience without knowing I'll be doing it again in a few weeks with his mum and dad!

Daffodil2018 · 06/08/2019 09:06

We went on a walk around a nice old town once and if there was anything we could go inside and look at/do he would say 'we will come back and do that with the kids'. I think yes that's fine, we'll come back and do it again with the kids but why can't we enjoy ourselves now too?

My DH is like this about his parents. Every time we go somewhere nice he says "my Mum/Dad would love this" and immediately starts planning to bring them there. We went away to a hotel for the weekend recently and had an amazing time. When he came back from paying the bill he said he'd just booked for us to come again next year ... with his parents. I don't mind it really but sometimes I just want to enjoy an experience without knowing I'll be doing it again in a few weeks with his mum and dad!

Daffodil2018 · 06/08/2019 09:06

We went on a walk around a nice old town once and if there was anything we could go inside and look at/do he would say 'we will come back and do that with the kids'. I think yes that's fine, we'll come back and do it again with the kids but why can't we enjoy ourselves now too?

My DH is like this about his parents. Every time we go somewhere nice he says "my Mum/Dad would love this" and immediately starts planning to bring them there. We went away to a hotel for the weekend recently and had an amazing time. When he came back from paying the bill he said he'd just booked for us to come again next year ... with his parents. I don't mind it really but sometimes I just want to enjoy an experience without knowing I'll be doing it again in a few weeks with his mum and dad!

Daffodil2018 · 06/08/2019 09:07

Oops, sorry for triple reply Blush

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