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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rude or not?

27 replies

Lollipopslife17 · 04/08/2019 06:01

Hello all, I need opinions on the msg in italics below pls. Can it be classed as rude or lashing out? I'm I being unreasonable to think it's not rude or harsh. It was a response to my ex, who takes discipline lightly & criticises me when I take a firm tone (not shouting or putting the kids down) when correcting our kids. I just don't say don't do that to the kids, I give reasons why what they did is inappropriate & the benefits of doing things or behaving in a better way/manner. Ex says I go on about things even though I only sit the child down to talk to them. A friend said the text below to the ex is rude. Is it? Kids are age 7 & 4.
^*
"Btw, there was absolutely nothing wrong with the way or manner in which I spoke to A earlier as I was not shouting. When you are correcting a child for doing wrong, you take a firm and assertive tone. I did not say d same things twice. U do not correct kids using a soft petting tone -u use a firm tone, so they know you are serious. I need
an apology Frm you as u have the habit of criticising me on how I correct them or discipline them. Apologise now"*^

OP posts:
FiveLittlePigs · 04/08/2019 06:06

I can understand your feelings but it will just let your ex know he's got to you. Don't give him that satisfaction.

Don't allow him to press your buttons to wind you up.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 04/08/2019 06:22

The proposed message suggests that you do " go on about things" you've demanded an apology twice in consecutive sentences "I need an apology.....apologise now" and I'd think you were a right condescending and immature so and so if you sent that to me

Sargass0 · 04/08/2019 06:24

Its sent now - so what's the point debating whether its rude or not?

HeffaLump1 · 04/08/2019 06:27

It's ok apart from the "apologise now" bit. Makes you sound v arrogant to me. He's an adult, if he wants to apologise he will. You explained your feelings so leave it at that.

WindsweptEgret · 04/08/2019 06:29

I agree with everything itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted said. I can imagine how you speak to your children from that text.

jelly79 · 04/08/2019 06:30

That would get my back up. It's not a great tone and the 'apologise now!' Is awful.

hidinginthenightgarden · 04/08/2019 06:40

You sound very patronising it that message.

user1483387154 · 04/08/2019 06:40

last sentence is extremely rude

Pineapplefish · 04/08/2019 06:43

I agree it's the last 'apologise now' that makes it a rude message.

OP, you have to accept that there are different styles of parenting and disciplining. It's not as simple as thinking you're right and he's wrong. Better to accept that you have slightly different approaches and work around this to co parent effectively.

dudsville · 04/08/2019 06:47

It sounds like you did the behaviour you described in the text. You spoke firmly and gave clear boundaries. Problem is its also patronising, as if you were speaking to a child. You can't tell adults "do x now". That kind of demand is likely to provoke defensive behaviour.

dudsville · 04/08/2019 06:48

You also come across as if you are 100% right, leaving no wiggle room.

Bluntness100 · 04/08/2019 06:49

That would piss off most people, and every single one with a modicum of self respect. Apologise now? Seriously? Are you under some weird illusion that you're the boss of him and get to write things like that?

The difference in disciplining, and whether he felt your tone was too sharp in comparison to what occurred is one thing. But if you feel you can write things like that to him, maybe he has a point.

I'd think about it if I was you.

ColaFreezePop · 04/08/2019 06:50

Your message is rude and actually proves his point.

The best response to your ex in situations like this is no response as then he looks in the wrong.

He is your ex for a reason and you should not engage in trying to score points with him over your children as you end up looking unhinged.

Original poster
Lollipopslife17 · 04/08/2019 06:54

Ok, thanks all. I now see d point.

OP posts:
MmmBlowholes · 04/08/2019 06:58

D point???

jelly79 · 04/08/2019 07:21

@Lollipopslife17 out of interest what was his response

I think it's always best to wait until you calm down before responding to an ex. I've mastered the art of not responding (which is not ideal either)

FizzBuzzBangWoof · 04/08/2019 07:28

I would love to know what you were castigating your DC for as that would give more context and we could make an informed judgement on whether your parenting is OTT or it's your ex's parenting that is sloppy

I'm imagining you as one of those people obsessed with etiquette and manners (who expects their 4yo to behave like a mini royal) but I could be reading too much into it

Oysterbabe · 04/08/2019 07:34

The text reads as if you are telling off a child.

WatchingFromTheWings · 04/08/2019 07:46

My ex would criticise me for disciplining the kids. I'd just tell him to mind his own business and ignore anything further. No point in engaging with it.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 04/08/2019 07:54

Ooh crickey the tone is waaaaaaaay off !!

73Sunglasslover · 04/08/2019 08:00

Your friend is right I'm afraid. Also I wondered whether if this is the tome you use with a grown up, maybe your ex has a point about how you talk to the kids? There is more than one way to be firm.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 04/08/2019 08:18

The text is not great in itself , but the ending of apologise now is really rude and patronising .

AloneLonelyLoner · 04/08/2019 09:34

Urgh awful text. Condescending in the extreme.

SoundsAboutRight · 04/08/2019 09:41

My DH and I have different parenting styles, he is very gentle and I am much firmer. Neither of us is right or wrong, just different. If you sent me that text with "apologise now" I'd be furious and certainly would be doing no such thing. Why is your style the only "right" one...?

Of course when you are correcting a child it may be appropriate to use a soft tone...

Cherrysoup · 04/08/2019 09:45

Apologise now?! You totally list any moral high ground right there and sound ridiculous. Much more effective would have been 'Stop telling me how to parent my child'. You have different styles and that's fine.

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