Feel abandoned by friend after MC

[Leila000]

I had a MMC at 12 weeks a couple of weeks ago. It was my second MMC in 6 months (last one was at 16 weeks). Both times I’ve felt abandoned by my best friend, who I’ve known for over 10 years.

When this second one happened I texted her and told her how devastated I was. She sent back a nice message about how sorry she was and let her know if I need anything. A few days later she texted asking if I wanted to go over to her house at the weekend and she would look after me. I explained that it sounded lovely but I had gone back into hospital so I would be feeling a bit tender and not up to driving, and would she be able to come over to mine instead. She just replied ‘oh sorry I won’t be able to come over. See you soon x’ and that’s it. Nothing since.

I’ve had the most traumatic couple of weeks - Had to be re-admitted to hospital four times as my body just refused to get rid of everything, I’ve been in so much pain, feeling anxious, mourning my two babies, not knowing if I’ll ever be able to have another baby so mourning the life I thought I would have, and in the middle of all this I’ve started a new job where I’ve had to try to disguise the fact that I’m in pain and bleeding heavily (I don’t want to tell management that I was pregnant when I interviewed for it, so I haven’t told anyone about the MC). Oh and one of my new colleagues is pregnant - exactly as far along as I should be - and has been talking about it non stop and bringing in scan photos to show everyone.

Basically it’s just been the worst time of my life and I could really do with more support, but I don’t feel like I should be the one chasing her. My DH has been amazing, as have some other friends who I haven’t known for as long, but I really just feel let down and lonely. I remember after the first MC crying to my DH about how lonely I felt - all his friends were constantly phoning him and texting offering support, while mine were rubbish. Maybe I’m being unreasonably though and should just accept that it’s a hard thing for people to deal with and talk about.

I don't know what else to say except I'm so sorry about your babies my love and give you a virtual hug. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through. To be getting up and going to work each day you're a stronger person than me.

Im so sorry for your losses. I had 10 mc over 5 years and one incredible daughter ar the end of it. I lost count of how many friends i lost contact with as they didnt know what to say. Unfortunately, not everyone can deal with it.

I'm so very sorry for your losses OP. I had a MC last year and a MMC earlier this year so understand how traumatic it can be.

I'm sorry your friend hasn't been more supportive during such a rough time.

You're clearly a super strong lady to still be going into work. Don't push yourself too hard though. I understand you didn't tell work at the time, but be sure to allow yourself time to come to terms with things.

Take care of yourself.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your babies

I had two MMCs and 3 others, it’s just horrendous. It’s true that support when life is shit comes and doesn’t come from surprising place. People I hadn’t been that close to left lasagne on my doorstep or sent thoughtful messages, my longest standing friend was utterly useless, got pregnant accidentally around the same time and hammered me with messages about how annoying it all was and how it was messing up her plans. I took a break from her, leant on DH and the friends who’d come through for us and I’m not back in touch with her but it’s never going to be the same because I’m not ever going to 100% get over her complete and staggering insensitivity.

It’s good you have kind support from other people, focus on that and I hope you heal and happier times are ahead of you

I think sometimes people don't know what to say.

That's not an excuse, and it doesn't make it ok, I'm just being honest. It's like when a member of your immediate family dies and suddenly half the neighbours start avoiding you. It's horrible.

Sorry to hear about what's happened. Don't bother chasing anyone. Focus on the people who are actually making you feel better and forget the ones who aren't

Thank you for all your kind messages and sorry to hear about your losses.

Thank you for saying that I’m strong too - I certainly don’t feel it! I just feel like I’m doing what I have to do.

You really do learn about who your real friends are after a tragedy. I really just feel like I’ll never be as close to this friend again after this, and that feels really sad after so many years of friendship.