Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel this anxious?

15 replies

LittleMissMe99 · 03/08/2019 12:36

My mums partner died a week ago. She lives 4 hours away from me. I've been to see her and she's coming to stay next week. However, I feel this constant anxiety that won't go away. A sickness in the pit of my stomach. I think it's to do with worrying about how she will cope. What happens at Christmas? I can't leave her by herself, but we have 3 children, myself and husband in a 3 bed house. The youngest are 4 and 7 so Santa obviously comes. Husband is taking kids away next week so she has space here, but we can't do that at Christmas. And how does she cope financially? They weren't married, she retired early. I feel like all the responsibility is on me to look after her. I do have a sister, but she lives away and will only help minimally. I've never dealt with anyone who is grieving before and I'm just lost as to what to do :( Has anyone been through similar please??

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 03/08/2019 12:42

Hi, I think Christmas will just sort itself out, she could sleep on a sofa bed or whatever.
If she’s over50 she can apply for a flat from local authority, not sheltered accommodation, the next one down.
Go through her budget with her to see if she can cope financially.
Let her grieve on her own way, she might need to talk or be busy, or take to her bed.
I went through this with my mum18 months ago. You will need several copies of death certificate for banks etc
Best of luck

Pipandmum · 03/08/2019 12:45

Was the death sudden or expected? How old is she? Is she in good health? Does she have an active social life?
If yes to the latter two then of course she’ll have a hard time to begin with but she’ll soldier on like most widows (me included). When my father died my mother was in her 80s and coped - by that time she had seen most of her siblings and many friends pass away. It’s a cliche but that’s what happens in life and one person has to die before the other.
You can do your best, be supportive and nurturing, but don’t make assumptions that she will become completely dependant.
Conversely if she doesn’t have many friends near her maybe she can move closer to you and get to know her grandkids and become more involved in their lives? Maybe she can do volunteer work and find direction and self worth in that?

IAskTooManyQuestions · 03/08/2019 12:45

What happens at Christmas? I can't leave her by herself, but we have 3 children, myself and husband in a 3 bed house.

You make do, with air beds or camp beds!

And how does she cope financially? They weren't married, she retired early

Impossible to help you with this, on the information given. Has he got a pension, is she the beneficiary? has she got a pension? Do they own the house or is it rented? Was it jointly owned, his or her sole house ? are there wills? If so, is she a beneficiary?

cottonwoolsnowmen · 03/08/2019 12:47

Okay, slow down, it's only August right now, not Christmas.

I know it's big and scary and overwhelming, but pretty much everything you're panicking about is a "what if" way off in the future.

Deal with today and right now and just deal with things as they happen. None of you knows what will happen in the future, so focus on what you can see happening in the present.

Your mum is coming to stay, deal with that on its own. Ask her how she is, ask if there are practical things she would like help with, offer if there are specific things you think you can do to help.

Let her lead you on whether she wants normality and busy activity or comforting. Don't be surprised if it changes back and forth between the two - grief often comes in waves.

That's it. Be there. Today.

Original poster
LittleMissMe99 · 03/08/2019 12:57

Sudden and expected. She's 60 and he was mid 60's. She doesn't have an active social life, and she's never been alone. I think this is why I worry also. It's tough being so far from her, and I think what others have said is right. It's only August. And we will make do and cope. I'm just overwhelmed I guess and feel like I have responsibility for everything...mum, husband, children. I just need to suck it up!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissMe99 · 03/08/2019 13:01

They weren't married, so she wouldn't get his pension. It was his house solely...so will go to his children. But he stipulated that she could stay in it as long as she wants. She has a basic pension I think. I guess we will deal with all this as it comes, after the funeral

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 03/08/2019 13:04

You aren't responsible for your mum (to that extent!).

It's all a bit fresh and raw now, so take it slow whilst you all come to terms with his death and support her with that.

But she is a grown up. It's not up to you to solve her problems; your role is to support her to find her own solutions.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 03/08/2019 13:06

Cottonwoolsnowmen said it better Smile

Jemima232 · 03/08/2019 13:07

It sounds like you're worrying because you have no experience with people who are grieving, OP.

Your mother is only sixty, though. That isn't old. You don't need to worry about her financial affairs - that is her business.

You'll be surprised at how well you and your mother cope, honestly. And I'd be surprised if your mum is incapable of finding a social life for herself as time goes on.

If you're worried about housing, at the age of sixty she is entitled to apply for sheltered housing - although she will almost certainly feel ridiculously young for this. She probably isn't entitled to a state pension for several years, either.

Just you take a deep breath and one step at a time. Flowers

Jemima232 · 03/08/2019 13:08

She can't have a pension yet, OP. She's too young.

ashtrayheart · 03/08/2019 13:08

Try not to think about future events and take it one thing at a time.

I have a situation (eldest adult dd being discharged from long term hospital next year) where if I think about what if this what if that I would lose it completely. I have to just deal with the here and now (and I do suffer from anxiety so understand). Hope it goes ok with your mum staying.

BlankTimes · 03/08/2019 13:16

When she's ready to think about her finances, this is a good resource for calculating what's what.
www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

Jemima232 · 03/08/2019 13:18

Sorry - I meant that she can't have a state pension yet. Obviously she could have a private pension.

HollowTalk · 03/08/2019 13:23

I'm sorry her partner died - this is a really good example of why marriage matters. She's been left in a really vulnerable situation and I can't see his children being happy with her living there until she dies - that could be another 30+ years.

Could you look at flats in your local area? Would you want her living nearby?

PuzzledObserver · 03/08/2019 13:27

The fact they weren’t married doesn’t mean she won’t get his pension - depending on the scheme, it could be set up so she benefits. And since he arranged for her to live in the house for her lifetime, I’d think he’s made arrangements for her to have an income as well.

People don’t automatically become incapable of coping just because their partner has died. My Mum was 73 when Dad died. He had always sorted out all the finances, utilities etc. She took advice where it was offered and quickly got on top of everything. She built a new social life - loads of people do.

The nearest any of us (her children) live is over 2 hours away - but there are phones, you know. And email. You can keep in contact, offer support etc, without physically being there.

Having said that, she does save up “jobs” for when one of us visits.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread