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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want a second child?

25 replies

Hulashaker · 03/08/2019 11:05

After having my first child, going through fertility treatment and difficulty during labour and PND I decided that we would have no more children and I was done as I had my little miracle baby.

Now the reality of early menopause, seems to happen in my family and my sister is just starting, has hit me. That if we wait another 2 years then biologically the choice will be made for us.

I always wanted two and feel like it will be nice for child to have a sibling both now and later in life.

Are we being selfish to have only one, or should we consider a second child. I feel sort of hit out of the blue by this as I didn't realise about the potential time issue till now Hmm

Any advice greatly appreciated. I don't know what's for the best, I know financially there is never a good time either so trying to remove that element

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 03/08/2019 11:06

If you want one have only one. No need to feel selfish!

TheRealShatParp · 03/08/2019 11:09

No, not selfish. I think that notion is slowly disappearing to be honest. Things just aren’t the same nowadays.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 03/08/2019 11:14

As women, we often think choosing the easier path makes us selfish and lazy. It doesn't, it makes us sensible. We don't have to slog to be worthy. Enjoy your life with your one child.

EmrysAtticus · 03/08/2019 11:15

Nothing selfish about it :) It is becoming very normal and your child will be one of several in their class etc. A sibling is a gamble, they could be best friends or worst enemies or more likely something in the middle. Only have another if it is what you and your partner truly want.

thetwinkles · 03/08/2019 11:18

Only you can decide. Every pregnancy and birth is different. Your approach will be different. You may or may not get pnd but for sure you'll know the signs next time x

CecilyP · 03/08/2019 11:32

Forget about feelig selfish. Forget about thinking it would be nice for your child to have a sibling. Would you be upset and disappointed if you didn't have a second child? If the answer. Is 'no' then I wouldn't worry about early menopause (which may not happen anyway and you could have choices at a later date ). It is only if you really want another that the possibility of a early menopause needs to be considered.

Vibiano · 03/08/2019 11:56

YANBU

Popfan · 03/08/2019 11:58

Definitely not selfish. I have one and it was completely the right decision for our family. You do what feels right whether it's 1, 2 or more!

Mac47 · 03/08/2019 12:14

For me, one is perfect and I am very happy I don't have more. I did wobble many years ago but am most relieved I didn't go for it.

BeanBag7 · 03/08/2019 12:34

I don't understand the logic of "having an only child is selfish".
Surely it's more selfish to have a sibling and then your child has to share a room / their toys / their time with parents.

Sandybval · 03/08/2019 12:38

It is not selfish.

cottonwoolsnowmen · 03/08/2019 12:39

How is it selfish?

Original poster
Hulashaker · 03/08/2019 12:45

Now my DD is school age it's all I get from people. When you hear something from lots of different people almost daily it begins to chop away at my resolve. Thank you all for the comments and encouragement Smile

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 03/08/2019 13:33

Pull them up on it.

Rude nosy friend: "Oh its so selfish to have only one?"
You: "Why is it selfish? This way DD gets our time and attention and we are all very happy"

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 03/08/2019 13:38

Why do you feel it’d be selfish to stick with one? I don’t understand.

sheshootssheimplores · 03/08/2019 13:39

If you want to try for another then do it, if not don’t. There’s is no perfect number of children to have.

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 03/08/2019 13:47

Also don't forget you may try for one and get two! I'm pregnant with twins now at 40. The body overcompensates as you approach menopause, making multiples more likely. That said, I'm delighted now I've got over the shock Grin

RDMummy · 03/08/2019 17:40

I am in the same boat OP. People often tell me that my DD needs a sibling and that I'm selfish for not providing one. Such an outdated view I think. But when you hear it enough you do start to question yourself. I almost feel like there's something wrong with me for not wanting another, and that I need to convince myself that I do, which is ridiculous. DH and I know what is best for our family, and that our DD is just fine, as I'm sure yours is!

Skittlenommer · 03/08/2019 17:42

I think it’s the opposite of selfish!

Original poster
Hulashaker · 03/08/2019 22:24

Thanks RDMummy it's good to know it's not just me x

OP posts:
PetraRabbit · 03/08/2019 22:27

YANBU and must do what feels right to you. I do think that if you always wanted two, you need to think seriously about why that changed and be sure of your decision.

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2019 22:28

You're not selfish at all. People who choose to make sensible, informed decisions about their fertility and family size are not selfish.

As PP said, if you ignore all the baggage, would you regret not having another child or seeing what happens for another child? If you are very happy where you are and don't see you regretting your choice then that's it decided. Don't let anyone guilt trio you.

museumum · 03/08/2019 22:30

I have one. Just about to turn 6 so the window for a sibling is closing. I never felt the urge for a second. I was always so into the stage dd was at I didn’t want to hold her back by adding a baby to the family (eg more activities we can do together now). I’ve always felt having a baby only to act as a sibling is quite unfair on that baby who should be wanted for themselves not to be a plaything.

Sammy867 · 03/08/2019 22:30

Ask my dd if she wants a brother or a sister and it’s a flat out no way. She sees her cousins fighting, friends at school fighting with siblings or having to share their parents attention and compares it to her quiet life.
Does your LO actually want a sibling? I think if my dd was desperate for one I would try for another as I am a yes and by husband is a no, but because she’s so vehemently against it’s made the decision for us as 2 against 1. I’ve made peace with that decision as it’s whats best for all of us

RandomMess · 03/08/2019 22:47

I have 4 DC.

You are happy one child, that's great, nothing wrong with "one and done"

Nothing wrong with "will not use contraception and there is only a 0.0000000000001% chance of another happening"

It's your life, shut down these people and their opinions.

"We can't all have as many DC as we would like"

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