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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU. Would be "extreme " to cut my family off

26 replies

Mipiace · 02/08/2019 20:25

Hi everybody. Will try to be brief. Have 3 bros, eldest one married with 4 kids. Up until 15 years ago they lived the life of The Jones's( is it Jones right? Lol). My bro got retrenched and they lost everything. While he had his job they paid bills on time however apparently didn't prepare for this 'unlikeky event ' so they lost everything and claims they still paying those debts now. Now i love all my family to bits and i can't bear when they tell me there's no food. But I've been helping them for a decade now and its draining me. Yes, they both work but can't tell me why they still struggling. I can't even keep track of what they owe me and i feel like I've been taken for granted because im considered 'well off '. Yes. I'm a bit more than comfortable but ive worked hard for my money and don't feel its right to keep including them in my monthly expenses. Especially now because i have a child. The reason why im pissed is becAuse ive loaned them a large amount of money. They suppose to pay back in monthly installments, which would take a year, only got 2 payments and a load of lies and far fetched stories as to why they can't pay. Plus i get 'attitude ' from them. Sorry i know i said I'll make it short but i really wanna tell them to eff off. AIBU?

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 02/08/2019 20:33

Op that sounds awful, sounds like they are completely taking advantage of your good nature. Don't give them anything else.
Focus on yourself and your family. They don't deserve you. X

Landlubber2019 · 02/08/2019 20:36

You should have factored non payment when loaning the money, their lack of money for food arising out of circumstances from 15 yrs ago suggests a lack of financial common sense and therefore I would never have loaned a large sum of money, without considering how I would feel in the event of non payment. I think you need to learn to say no but write off the money in your own head and if you get any more money consider it a bonus Sad

Pipandmum · 02/08/2019 20:38

Don’t ‘lend’ them any more. It’s not extreme. Are they still trying to mainTain the lifestyle they had before?
If it’s been ten years and both working they need to take care of their own business. They know they owe you money and you need to remind them ‘I’m doing x and would really appreciate the money you owe me’.
Did you have a formal agreement?

hazell42 · 02/08/2019 20:42

What do you mean by attitude?
If you mean that they are rude and grabby that is out of order.
I you mean that they are not grovellingly appreciative, then you are out of order.
Nothing sours family relationships more than money owed.
You have a child now and this is the perfect excuse for a change. Don't wait for the next time they are in crisis. Arrange to speak to them now, and say that while you have always been happy to help, your financial circumstances have changed because if baby and you wont be able to do that anymore. If you are able to, make them a free gift of outstanding debts, especially if you're unlikely to get it back anyway.
You will however always be available to give advice and recommend a good debt advisory service, such as stepchange.
Then when they ask for money again give them stepchange's number

7yo7yo · 02/08/2019 20:44

You haven’t lent them money you’ve given it to them.
You won’t get that back so stop.
Every penny you give them is a penny less to your own child.

Nosavingshere · 02/08/2019 21:05

Just to check, are you still giving them money on a monthly basis despite them not repaying the previous agreed instalments.

MissMarple0203 · 02/08/2019 21:06

I think you need to cut your losses. Draw aline and don't give them another penny. They are taking advantage of you.

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 21:21

But I've been helping them for a decade now and its draining me

Say WHAT?!
It doesn't take 10 years to get back on your feet, They must be living beyond their means ... & it's been going on so long they have sold themselves the notion that they are now also entitled to YOUR means.

I think any "loan" you gave them needs to be written off for your own sanity. It's not coming back, is it? - & instead of thanks for your help they are giving you attitude.

You might find that the best way forward is rather than cutting them off, just cut the money supply. Stop asking for repayment, that horse has bolted & it's only gonna frustrate you more. If you don't make contact, I bet you won't hear a peep from them until they want to use you again - at that point, just say NO.

Don't justify, don't explain - just quietly state that they have had £XXXX off you & you are not prepared to lose any more. I take it you won't give a shiny shit when they then cut YOU off? :)

Sorry you have been taken like this OP. It's the gnawing sense of unfairness & being used that would eat at me - even more than the cash. Enjoy spending the difference on your DC x

Original poster
Mipiace · 02/08/2019 22:01

@hazell42. Last month i didn't get a payment. They claimed their bank account got hacked. When i asked questions (because they gave another far fetched tale previously), they said " they don't have time for this, its up to me if i want to believe them or not"

OP posts:
Original poster
Mipiace · 02/08/2019 22:04

@Nosavingshere i don't give them money every month per se, as in a set amount, but every month its a different story. Kids school fees, no transport money, no food in the house, water got cut, etc. Always SOMETHING

OP posts:
Original poster
Mipiace · 02/08/2019 22:06

@Pipandmum no formal agreement

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 02/08/2019 22:11

You are their cash cow. Cut them off. They need to learn to live within their means.10years is ridiculous. School fees? Only the wealthy can afford private education. Lending to relatives always goes badly IME. They think because they're family different rules apply.

Giraffey1 · 02/08/2019 22:12

Time to stop. Sounds as if you’ve been funding their lifestyle for a decade. It must be clear to you they’ve no intention of paying you back. So stop giving them any more money.

Whosorrynow · 02/08/2019 22:12

Everytime they ask say no, if they ask why say i can't afford it and don't explain yourself any further.

Whosorrynow · 02/08/2019 22:14

You won't need to cut them off you just need to cut off the money supply, once they realise it's gone they will try and find some other mug to bleed dry

Chickychoccyegg · 02/08/2019 22:17

Do not give them another penny, don't listen to any sob stories, tell them you won't loan any more until the rest is payed back, doubt you'll hear from the scrounging money grabbers much after that.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/08/2019 22:33

They don't want to pay you back, why would they ? You keep giving them more and more...

STOP this now OP. Flowers

Original poster
Mipiace · 03/08/2019 12:41

Thanks everybody

OP posts:
ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 03/08/2019 13:02

School fees- they are both working and have their children in private school- a privilege that the majority cannot afford- why would you see them as financially in need? If they were unemployed or starving then that would be different - they should have pulled their children out of private school!

Is your brother manipulative/ a bully? I’m just wondering why you would continue to allow yourself to be drained of cash to fun their fur coat- no knickers lifestyle.

Your brother doesn’t even sound like he likes or respects you anymore. I would be telling them that the bank of Mipiace is closed. Tell them that you don’t want any more of their excuses, they have taken advantage of your generosity enough. They owe you money and if they don’t make a proper effort to pay it back then you are completely finished with them. In fact I would write the money off and go NC anyway- the money that you are constantly sending there way could be your daughters tuition fees for University or a deposit on a house.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 03/08/2019 13:04

Sending their way*

Original poster
Mipiace · 03/08/2019 19:54

To be honest, its not financially draining, its emotionally draining. Yes. My fault because I've allowed them to manipulate me. The younger 2 are in government schools while the older is at university. Im just pissed that I've been disrespected. And to clarify, i don't want them at my knees thanking me. I gave only 1 example of the "attitude" they give me. They also believe that because i have i must give and they also know that what I've "loaned " them hasn't compromised my life. Just for clarity. But yes. Turns out they not nice people

OP posts:
Butwhhhyyyyyyy · 04/08/2019 14:11

I think you have been far too generous with them, I also am guilty of this with my siblings, I have had them in tears saying they have no money for food, they never once thanked me they knew just how to play me. I am now no contact with them, their choice but ultimately you can not change them and need to just look after yourself and cut them off money wise as I did.

Original poster
Mipiace · 04/08/2019 16:35

Thanks @Butwhhhyyyyyyy. Nice to hear from someone who's been through this

OP posts:
LeeScoresbysBalloon · 04/08/2019 17:43

OP it wouldn't matter if you were a billionaire who could easily spare the money and much more. The fact is they are cheeky, rude, entitled and taking advantage of you. And on top of that they aren’t even grateful. Think of the money you could be saving, putting into a savings account for your DCs future education.

I would rather give my money to a donkey sanctuary than to a bunch of entitled CFs like them.

Moondancer73 · 04/08/2019 17:47

You had to lend them money, which they still haven't paid back, and they're kids are in private education? Wow. Stop listening to them, stop lending them any more and walk away. They're plainly living above they're means.

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