Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To think that lying isn’t a good way to get out of something you don’t want to do

19 replies

PuzzledObserver · 02/08/2019 19:54

But it seems to be a common suggestion on mumsnet. Don’t want to go to a wedding/have family over/ give someone a lift - tell them you have a prior commitment/ the decorators in/ an urgent appointment which makes it impossible.

Why can’t we just tell people No?

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 19:57

I agree. You almost always get caught out in a lie.

CarolDanvers · 02/08/2019 19:59

No you don't . Well I don't anyway. Maybe I am just really good at it 🤷‍♀️

BinkyBaa · 02/08/2019 19:59

I'd say it depends on the lie really. Telling someone you cant go to their wedding because you don't like them that much would probably hurt their feelings a lot more than saying you've got the shits. Assuming it's someone you can't just cut off anyway (relative/coworker etc).

cuppycakey · 02/08/2019 20:00

Tell them you have a prior commitment isn't a lie though is it?

I might mean I have a prior commitment to lie on the sofa with my cat drinking wine and watching Poirot. If I get asked to go somewhere I don't want to go I just say Oh sorry I can't come. I wouldn't say "I think weddings are dead fucking boring so I am not coming." It may be the truth but it would be rude.

There is middle ground between a blanket No and an elaborate lie. I do agree with you that those are ridiculous and people often get found out

LuckyLou7 · 02/08/2019 20:01

You need to have a very good memory to get away with lying about anything. I worked with a man who took a day's compassionate leave because his uncle had died suddenly. About 4 months later, he rang in with exactly the same story. When people offered condolences on the second death in the family in such a short time, he was nonplussed - he'd completely forgotten the first dead uncle. Oh and the second dead uncle didn't exist either, in another conversation he said his parents were both only children. Though that, too, may have been a lie.

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 20:04

@LuckyLou7 yeah I had a colleague who had 3 grandads severely ill within 18 months. His parents are still together so there's no step grandad and neither of his grandads are gay so somehow his maths didn't quite add up

Freddiefox · 02/08/2019 20:05

Because no is often followed by why

Original poster

PuzzledObserver · 02/08/2019 23:13

Just wondering if anyone else thinks that lying - while an understandable and often instinctive response - is actually... you know... wrong? And that we should avoid doing it?

OP posts:

BackforGood · 02/08/2019 23:41

I agree with cuppycakey

It depends on the circumstance / what you mean by 'lying' really.

Some tact or diplomacy could be described as a lie, but it is often by far and away the kindest way to reply.

I wouldn't make up some elaborate story to get out of anything but, if invited to something I don't want to go to, I'd start off with "sorry I can't make it" and leave it at that. If the person then pressed, I'd probably say 'I've already got something on' or something and then try to change the subject. So, not exactly a "lie" , but not 100% the truth either.

Macaroni46 · 02/08/2019 23:46

I agree with you OP and I find it disappointing that people aren't more honest. Yes of course there are times when a white lie is needed to spare someone's feelings but often I think honesty is better. I hate it when people lie to me as an excuse and I find it insulting or when they won't say what's upset them or admit to being annoyed. I tend to just say it how it is but then some people say I'm a bit blunt 🤔

Pipandmum · 02/08/2019 23:47

It’s not the lying it’s the making up excuses for no good reason - like a mother in law wanting to stay for a month and people say ‘just tell her you’re getting the house painted’. Why not tell her a month is just too long?

TwistyTop · 03/08/2019 00:21

I think it's an excellent way to get out of things that you don't want to do without hurting someone. Unless it's someone you are very close to (eg DH) then I think a white lie is just good manners. Telling someone you aren't going because you simply don't want to is quite rude in a lot of situations.

forkfun · 03/08/2019 03:55

I agree with OP. It's easy to decline without lying or being rude. On a wedding RSVP just say "unfortunately, we won't be able to make it. Thank you so much for inviting us and we wish you a wonderful day and a happy marriage" or something like that. No one has ever queried this, because the only invitations I've declined are from acquaintances and colleagues, rather than close friends or family.
I think dreaming up elaborate excuses is strange. If I have a reason to say no to something, I will. I also much rather someone tells me "I'd love to see you, but work and family life is all I can handle right now. How about we meet up in two weeks, when things are calmer?" Completely understandable and much nicer than some lie.

Straightalkinggal · 03/08/2019 04:27

Lying is not wrong, it’s a choice you make, sometimes necessary to spare feelings and a massive fall out, most everyday lies are not punishable by law. Get off your moral high horse.

Original poster

PuzzledObserver · 03/08/2019 09:45

Is a thing only wrong if punishable by law? I suggest not.

Where I’m coming from is that I don’t feel comfortable lying. I’m very sensitive to it. I also don’t want to offend people. So I try to find something to say which is true but non-offensive, IYSWIM. Such as the life being very busy (it always is!) for example. But that’s not the same as inventing a domestic emergency, illness etc which doesn’t exist.

OP posts:

Whatisinaname1 · 03/08/2019 09:45

Depends on the lie and truth plus the person saying it to. Sometimes you have to be diplomatic, sometimes you have to be (and dont) bluntly honest.

'Thank you for the invite but we are unable to attend your wedding' vs the truth of 'fuck no will we attend your boring attention seeking day'. nasty truth

Yes your baby is gorgeous vs no there really are ones like yours who are only so in parents eyes. nasty truth

Sorry mum we are having work done vs your a nasty person who treats us badly and is toxic. truth that should be told

Sorry we can't make it we have plans vs shagging on the sofa eating takeaway. either fine depending on audience

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 03/08/2019 10:15

I agree 100%. I am always shocked at the number of people on mumsnet who suggest lies for other people to tell and wonder whether this happens in real life too :(

It's odd. Like they haven't been told that lyings wrong. Maybe they were poorly raised, I dunno.

Robin2323 · 03/08/2019 10:20

White lies are not only Ok but essential.

'And no your bum doesn't look big in that '.

herculepoirot2 · 03/08/2019 10:23

The notion that saying things that aren’t true is “wrong” is a very subjective one. Nobody is hurt when someone gives a fake excuse. I don’t tell lies myself but I don’t think it’s any of my business if someone else chooses to pretend they’re busy when they don’t want to attend an event.

Flip