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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I tell my friend that her husband is on Tinder?

50 replies

Howdoisaythis · 02/08/2019 17:49

I've known friend, lets call her A for 5 years, we met through a shared hobby. In this time I've been to her house, and therefore met her husband. He seem (ed) like a really nice guy.

I've been single for a while and decided to join Tinder and try online dating out. I then came across A's husband's profile as a possible match. Not sure if he saw my profile. On his profile he says he's single.

A's husband got a tattoo about 6 months ago, I know this as she told me that she didn't like it very much. It's a big sleeve tattoo thing, before this he didn't have any tattoos.

The Tinder picture shows him with the tattoo, I only mention this as it means it probably isn't just an old account.

I know I need to tell her but I've already put it off a week as I feel too awkward mentioning it.
1- do i absolutely have to tell her
2- how the fuck do i start the conversation?

OP posts:

FilledSoda · 02/08/2019 18:26

I'm with TemporaryPermanent, it's nothing to do with you.
These threads are always full of people saying , tell her , tell him , take a screenshot. People have private lives and marriages that you know nothing about.
Mind your own business .

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 02/08/2019 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 18:32

I don't know, @FilledSoda. I would definitely want my friend to tell me. Wouldn't you?

Whisky2014 · 02/08/2019 18:34

I would tell her but I wouldn't do it anonymously.
You have a legit reason to be on tinder and you just say "sorry, I joined tinder and came across this profile, just thought you should be aware.."

Wishihad · 02/08/2019 18:36

Bit of a coincidence if catfishing that it’s someone in the same locality...

Not really. The person who keeps using my friends is clearly local and probably knows my friend. His facebook is private, but it seemed that's where his photos are from. So someone on his friends list.

Sometimes it can be random, sometimes it can be people you know using it.

That said, I am not saying its definitly catfishing. Just a possibility.

sirmione16 · 02/08/2019 18:37

Just be honest. Tell her you hate that you have to have this conversation, but you felt she ought to know. Give her time to absorb it, and don't ask questions. If I were her I'd want to know, and please don't do it anonymously because it'll be worse

Sicktobloodydeath · 02/08/2019 18:41

Jesus don’t do the anon route that seems so bitchy. It happened to my SIL and the worst part of it was that her friend was using a fake account and not being upfront about it.

I’d bring it up with her, just say look I’ve come across this profile, don’t know if you’re aware of it, it could be someone using your DHs pictures who knows but it’s probably best you have a conversation about it.

If you were my friend and didn’t tell me I’d be kicking you both to the kerb! you could also swipe to match with him and let him shit himself

Yogagirl123 · 02/08/2019 18:42

It depends whether it’s a really close friend, then yes I would tell. If it was more of an acquaintance I would steer clear, she will find out soon enough.

ElizaPancakes · 02/08/2019 18:44

@FilledSoda wow with friends like you who needs enemies?

Mummyoftwo91 · 02/08/2019 18:45

Yes 100%, the email suggestion pp said is a good idea

Relationshipsajoke · 02/08/2019 18:46

I’d be telling her simply because if it were me I’d want to know (this actually has happened to me however I got the message from an ex friend which was gutting but I appreciate that she was still looking out for me despite our lack of friendship) she simple screen shot it, text it to me and said “just thought you should know”.

I would say something along the lines of “need to have a chat, I obviously don’t know what goes on in your private life and am sorry if this is considered interfering but I saw your husband on tinder and if it were me I’d want to know so out of respect I’m telling so that you can do with the information what you please”

It’s never about living a life that is actually not as you know it be, even worse when other people know more about it than you!

motherofcats81 · 02/08/2019 18:47

I would be absolutely devastated if one of my friends knew this and didn't tell me. There are a few people, like 2 PPs, who would rather bury their head in the sand, but they are in the minority. She absolutely has a right to know. I agree with a PP that you could phrase it "hey, you might already know this, or perhaps someone is using his photo, but I just thought I should tell you in case".

A good friend would do this even if it didn't make for an easier life for them - she might shoot the messenger at first, but if you want the best for her it's still the right thing to do.

cuppycakey · 02/08/2019 18:49

Yes I would definitely tell. Otherwise you really aren't actually her friend at all are you?

dillusionaldog · 02/08/2019 18:51

i would definitely want to know. however she may already know so it may sour your relationship to tell her and "Out" their secret. I would take the cowards way out and annonomously send her the screenshots. that way it doesnt ruin your relationship and she isnt being confronted with it or made to feel awkward if shes fine with it.

InsertFunnyUsername · 02/08/2019 18:51

Posters on these kind of threads always say "you never know whats going on she might know etc" But rarely would a partner allow their soon to be ex on local dating sites knowing people will see, while telling everyone its fine - talk about looking like an idiot.

So i would tell if she were a close friend, you could just say "who is using your DPs photo" if you don't want to outright accuse him.

ImAwfulWithUsernames · 02/08/2019 18:55

Tell her. End of

DippingToes · 02/08/2019 18:56

Are you sure they haven't split up and she just hasn't told you yet?

You definitely need to tell her, anyway.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 02/08/2019 19:31

I wouldn't want to hear it from an anonymous person, it would be much better to be honest with her.

makingmammaries · 02/08/2019 20:23

You should tell her. But don’t make a big deal of it, don’t look for a reaction from her. I’d print it and say ‘by the way, I saw this on Tinder. None of my business really but if it was the other way round i’d want you to tell me’. And leave it at that.

PeoniesarePink · 02/08/2019 20:35

Send her the screen shots, and say "I've dithered whether or not to say anything and it could well be that you know, but anyway I've seen these and wanted you to be aware. I've not shared them with anyone else and will now delete them"

Let her deal with it in privacy and in her own way.

Dutch1e · 02/08/2019 20:38

Fucking hell, anonymous emails, pretending you never saw it, messaging a screenshot, what is going on?

She's your FRIEND. See her in person and get straight to the point.

keepingbees · 02/08/2019 20:43

It's tricky. I personally would want to know and I think honesty is the best policy. But... I lost a good friend some years ago trying to do the right thing by telling her when I caught her fiancé with another woman. She dropped me and stayed with him. So you risk losing the friendship either way sadly.
I think if I was in the same position again I'd go up the anonymous route.
Can you block him on tinder so he can't see your profile? If he's already seen it he will probably know it's you that's told anyway bare in mind.

CSIblonde · 02/08/2019 20:48

Send the proof. She needs to know. My Manager at my old work found her friends husband on Tinder. She told her, after much agonising. He had form for playing around & it meant they split, but as my Manager said, it means she can find someone decent, instead of a total jerk who will never change.

GabsAlot · 02/08/2019 21:03

Id want to know if she dumps you over it then shes stupid

justasking111 · 02/08/2019 21:08

Have they been together long. My friend was on tinder then found her man. Totally forgot about tinder profile, until partner reminded her she was still on there.

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