To believe it's possible for a marriage to come back from the brink?

[Unpoquitititoloco]

My marriage is not great at the moment and my husband is deeply unhappy. I am also unhappy with the current state of affairs but believe that we need to put in the effort to get things back to how they used to be.

For context, since my first child was born nearly 5 years ago I have suffered on and off with depression/anxiety. In this time frame DH has lost 2 close family members. I have definitely been very difficult to live with plus I have been consumed by the children more than I probably should have been. Actually I say that, I've just been a mum of two young children trying my best! But I guess I've shown less affection to my DH and we've certainly had much less of a sex life! I'm now coming out of the baby phase and my mental health seems so much better and I'm ready to move onto the next stage of our lives. Things haven't been great but I've always just assumed it's been a phase of our lives and things will get easier, leaving the "baby" will be easier etc.

DHs mental health has now taken a nose dive though and he doesn't even seem to be sure if he wants to stay. I've told him we need to really work on the marriage in terms of spending time together, spending time apart doing our own things, having fun with friends, getting house all sorted how we want it and basically just learn to enjoy life again. I'm fully prepared to do this and have been seeking help for my own mental health and am determined not to let it take any more of my life. I love DH and would give him the happiest life ever and make life as easy for him as possible.

DH however will only talk about the past and all the shit that has gone on and seems to think that nothing can be repaired. It has all be my fault according to him. (I was suffering from PND/anxiety but he seems to think I had a choice). I'm not going to lie it's been difficult but I truly believe you work on things and get better. I reflect on how I've been as a wife and want to improve. He just seems to see things as all my fault and now the marriage is broken. I ask him what he's going to do and his answers is always "I don't know"

I truly believe the marriage can be saved. Why would he not even try??? Yet he's not leaving. He's just continuing to feel down about everything...

It has all be my fault according to him.

This jumped out at me. You sound really amazing, coping with your own mental health and putting every effort into moving forward in a positive way. You're focusing on very doable tasks, like getting the house in order, having quality time together as well as apart - that's perfect and exactly what should be bringing you both together.

Sadly, you can't do the hard work for him. It sounds like he does need help, but he has to seek it. My marriage did come back from the brink, but we both realised we had to make effort and at no time whatsoever did we ever blame each other. It's verging on abusive to blame you for all of his problems - that's simply not true.

At the moment, does it feel like you're on different pages or in different books entirely?

Thanks for your reply @MushySeas. I guess we are definitely reading a different book at the moment but i hope to be able to convince him that putting the effort in is worth it

You can't convince someone to want it/be on the same page as you/want to help themselves.

It comes from within. Like you can't make an alcoholic want to get better.

He sees things differently to you.

What Does he want? If he wants to fight for his marriage, then that decision needs to come from him!

Everything was 'my fault' when I was with exh. 20 years in I snapped for my own sanity and haven't looked back since.

As horrible as it sounds, you can't change someone who doesn't want to change.

Keep improving yourself and live your life for you and your children

I not sure you can force this. He has to want to do it. If both of you want it to work and you both put the work in then I think it’s salvageable. But you both have to want it to work.

I just don't understand the opinion of "we've had some shit times over the last few years therefore let's just give up"

Nor do I understand being fed up but not knowing what you're going to do. Make a plan for Christ's sake!

I have been in your situation. My DH and I have both had tough times at work and I had bad PND. Youngest is now just 4 and I feel that we are coming out of the other side. 6 months ago I thought our marriage was a wreck. We have been doing all the things you mentioned and a long weekend away by ourselves was great. If you both want to try there is hope.

I definitely think a marriage can be brought back to life if both are willing. It sounds like you've both had a hard time of it and although it wasn't your fault, the pnd had a lot to do with that. It's not that uncommon for the one that's been holding things together (even if he only feels that way) to fall apart a bit once things start to improve. Have you suggested counselling?

I think most non-abusive marriages can be brought back from the brink if both partners want to do it. But it’s definitely a two man job.

I think it can be brought back, think about it as he's been your support and now you're on the mend he isn't holding himself together anymore and is probably emotionally exhausted. That numb feeling of having nothing left and not seeing the point. His mental health/emotional wondering is struggling. He was the stronger one op now you have to be his support. It's sounds like marriage counselling could really help. I had an ex with serious mental health issues and I thought I could always be his strength but in truth it nearly broke me.

You're coming out of the gloom & he's still in it. That affects massively how you see things & cope with 'stuff'.When you're in it, everything seems bleak & impossible & you lose perspective. He needs to start addressing his depression then hell be better placed to make logical decisions about his/your future. When you're both in the same place emotionally , then you can both objectively look at whether it's salvageable.

It can be "not your fault" but still cause irreparable damage to the relationship. I've seen a few couples who have suffered the death of a child through accident or illness. It can be hard for them to admit they will be better off apart because they feel it's as if they're saying the death was the fault of the other person and that's not what they're saying at all. Just, a lot happened, and it created distance. It's sad all round.

I hate to be that person...the one who says "Could there be another woman?" but I am saying it.

Could there be?

I do think a marriage can be brought back from this. I have experienced it. But both people have to want to do it.

The baby years are tough on most couples - lack of sleep, lack of quality time together etc. I think your marriage can survive. Would he consider couples counselling?

Sounds like he's now in the place you were until recently. Presumably the things that are now on your to do list would have felt unmanageable, or not a priority a few months ago. It's great you're feeling more motivated and positive about life, but you can't force or rush things with your husband just because something has changed for you. Support your husband now he's in the bad patch, still crack on with the things that are helping your mood to improve, but give it more time, you can't make everything perfect and back to how it was suddenly.

I've asked about another women. He's completely denied it. And to be completely honest he only goes to work and then comes home. Occasionally has a night away with work once every couple of months. But that's with another male (he's DEFINITELY NOT gay before anyone suggests that!!!) It's not beyond the realms of possibility that someone has got into his head and he's messaging them but he has categorically denied that too.

Another man finding parenthood changed his life in ways he didn’t expect, and realising if he dropped the wife, the children would still be well cared for, and he could go off and have some fun.

Sorry, OP. He’s started the Chant for Freedom.

Has this happened to you the @barryfromclareisfit ? How did it play out for you?

I really don't see it as just that in this case. He's had to deal with A LOT of shit and not just normal family stresses and strains

It can only do so if BOTH parties want it to. If one person has given up then it's impossible - you can't do it on your own.

Years of reading on MN.
You won’t know the truth until he’s ready, so start making your own preparations. Just in case.