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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Split of assets break up

48 replies

user1471514421 · 02/08/2019 15:32

Trying to think what is fair, thinking of it in two pots

Pot 1 - house no mortgage worth about 400k, savings of about 50k, car on finance, jewellery about 20k

Pot 2- asset/business worth about 1.2 million

Pot 1 for her and children

Pot 2 for him but no home

Walk away cleanly?

Thoughts appreciated

OP posts:

Phillipa12 · 02/08/2019 17:14

The jewellery in pot 1 may have cost £20k but secondhand its worth less than half that amount. Its not a very even split really!

Knitclubchatter · 02/08/2019 17:21

Jewelry is always considered a gift and not to be included in any split.

hazell42 · 02/08/2019 17:37

The car is not an asset as on finance.
The jewellery already belongs to her. so not an asset
Basically, she gets the house, which she would keep for the next 15 years in any case, being the primary carer, and 50 grand, while you get to keep a business worth £1.2 million in assets and which could bring in a good income for the next 20+ years
It may be simple but it ain't fair to anyone except you. Sorry, him

Original poster

user1471514421 · 02/08/2019 17:43

The business is a farm, it doesn't make huge money

OP posts:

Original poster

user1471514421 · 02/08/2019 17:43

Suggested to continue paying the finance from the business

OP posts:

Original poster

user1471514421 · 02/08/2019 17:44

Childcare cost split. Farm eventually go to son

OP posts:

cuppycakey · 02/08/2019 17:44

Does the farm business include the land it is on?

cuppycakey · 02/08/2019 17:46

Farm eventually go to son

I thought you had two DC? Is the other one a mere girl?

In either case, your will is irrelevant in a divorce as can be changed at your whim post settlement.

user1486131602 · 02/08/2019 17:48

I’m going thru a divorce at the mo and tho the amounts are the same I would jump at that offer! But more than anything I want a clean break.
I suppose what I’m saying is: depends on your circumstances, reason for divorce and priorities.
But I would get legal advice.

Seeingadistance · 02/08/2019 17:53

See a lawyer who specialises in the complexities of family farming businesses.

Bourbonbiccy · 02/08/2019 18:17

I agree far too many variables for anyone to advise on here.
The best advice on here is, don't listen to the advice on here and see a divorce lawyer with specialist knowledge to advise you correctly with all the facts in front of them

Seeingadistance · 02/08/2019 22:39

Oh, and here’s an ide for you, OP, assuming you’re the husband in this scenario. Give both your children an equal opportunity to have a future in farming - son AND daughter!

Andysbestadventure · 02/08/2019 22:57

Farm should be split between both children and one can buy the other out. What a grim thing to do.

hadthesnip2 · 02/08/2019 23:03

If the farm doesn't make much money why is it valued at £1.2m. Is it because of the land...?? I know farmers have been selling off land recently but is that what you see happening here, as I cant see why you would value it that high if not..?

C0untDucku1a · 02/08/2019 23:10

Dreadful situation.

TriciaH87 · 02/08/2019 23:37

So pot one 470k minus debt of the car. Pot 2 of 1.2mil and can go buy house at 400k car etc twice over. Not exactly 50 50. If person taking pot one has been a stay at home parent enabling other person to work and earn pot 2 then this is unjustified as without them you would not have acquired this.

Seeingadistance · 03/08/2019 00:18

To be honest, assuming all values given are equally accurate, then the wife may well be getting the better deal. Given the state of family farming where I am, and the uncertainty with Brexit, if I were her, and had no interest in the farm anyway, I’d take that.

BetsyBigNose · 03/08/2019 02:42

Hi @user1471514421, I remember you from few months ago - I'm really sorry to hear things have come to a head like this. I recall you were having to come to terms with seeing your DH and your marriage in a new light, after various posters offered you their own takes on his behaviour and I think you initially only came on to ask for advice on getting your husband to help with the kids a bit more and spend some more time at home – that escalated quickly, didn’t it?

I remember at the time thinking that although it was hard to read your responses as you experienced those revelations, that you were very open to listening to other's views and even though this was your life we were all weighing in on (and some did give you a bit of a hard time), you didn't get defensive and you held your own really well in what must have been an incredibly emotional situation for you. It was one of those threads where you just want to give the OP a hug (shhh, don’t tell the rest of MN I said that!)

I hope you manage to sort out this latest development with the least possible disruption to you and your DC’s lives – and that you get a fair and decent settlement once everything is finalised.

I really do wish you the very best of luck with it all.

BetsyBigNose · 03/08/2019 03:55

I think if I was OP I would see the attraction of Pot 1, in that it would be easier – stay in the family home with the DC (I think that the peace of mind and security of living in your own home, which you own outright with no mortgage is not to be underestimated – particularly in OPs situation where she is only in her early 30’s and will be newly single with 2 young children to house), so as little disruption to the DC as possible. Easy access to a healthy amount of savings. In addition, she has a FT job in which she has managed to negotiate compressed hours, so only works on 4 days a week and which pays her a ‘decent salary’. STBXH will have to pay Child Maintenance for the DCs, so I think in this situation she would be fine, financially.

Pot B feels like a huge amount of hassle (even through it’s 3 times as much), with far more likelihood of things turning acrimonious, particularly as it’s STBXH’s family business. I’d be put off going after the farm because I wouldn’t want to antagonise STBXH. I also believe it should remain a family business, which OP’s STBXH appears to agree with, as he has willed it to their son when he dies.

I think divorce is an incredibly draining, painful, often drawn-out process and I think that taking Pot 1 might help make the whole undertaking move more smoothly and quickly. I would hope that by not going after the farm, STBXH might make reciprocal concessions for OP and the DC.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 03/08/2019 04:19

If the farm doesn't make money and it's family owned then it's not worth £1.2m to your DH so he's the one getting screwed over in Option 2

BetsyBigNose · 03/08/2019 05:24

I remember this MN Member from an earlier thread; it was several hundred comments long so I’ve summarised it here (cos I can’t sleep and I’m all Netflix’d out - apologies for the length and for appearing to think I’m some sort of amateur sleuth… but do, of course, please feel free to skip over my ramblings and read the next post instead! ) :

• She (user1471514421) is the wife in this situation
• Husband inherited his family farm a couple of months ago - he was due to inherit it soon after her thread
• They have two children (both toddlers)
• He has a ‘normal’ job 4 days a week, does one day childcare for their DCs and works on the farm in the early mornings, every evening after work, every Saturday and some Sundays
• She suspects he may have been depressed following the birth of DC2 as he began to “overeat excessively and put on a lot of weight”
• He has a hobby he does twice a week after he has finished on the farm, which is exercise related and he initially started it to lose weight and now uses it to maintain his (now healthier) weight
• She initially posted for advice on getting him to spend more time with her and the kids, but he was refusing to drop another day at his job to do childcare for their DCs
• She works FT hours, but over 4 days and is the higher earner of the two of them (in terms of their ‘normal’ jobs) and does one day childcare for their DCs
• Earnings from the farm pay for their monthly car payment, but all other profits are reinvested back into the business

• She deals with all child-related things, he barely gets involved at all (his choice)
• They have been together since they were teenagers
• Neither of them was expecting him to inherit the farm so young and she admits she “hadn’t really thought what that would look like”
• They’ve been married 7 years
• She had surgery and the following day was in pain and unable to talk (which continued for 10 days!) and he left her alone with the DCs and went to a wedding
• They are both in their early 30’s
• He had a very privileged upbringing; he was an only child and she says he was the ‘Golden Boy’
• She “had a difficult upbringing, father MH issues, no money, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, dad suicide“
• At the time of inheriting the farm, he was given the option to sell it but he declined to do so, having made the decision without asking for her opinion. She would have wanted to sell.
• He has occasionally spoken to their DC in a threatening manner, once telling their son ‘in a burst of anger’ he would “pull your head off” if he tugged on his hair again. She was “horrified”, and he acted as if it hadn’t happened
• She was feeling resentful that she did everything in relation to the house and DC and he hardly got involved at all
• They are Irish
• She was suffering from ‘Mum Guilt’ due to working FT and felt she should therefore spend all the time she wasn’t at work with their DC
• Neither of them has a pension
• He recently (just before OPs original thread) approached OP and asked her about the possibility of them lending the farm their £50k savings, towards buying stock to build up the business – she declined to do so
• The farmhouse itself is in ‘desperate need of renovation’ according to the OP’s original post (it wasn’t clear if his parents still live there, but they used to before he inherited the farm as at one stage they asked the couple to do a straight swap of houses alongside the handover of the farm, which OP and her STBXH declined)
• OP was disappointed that STBXH was disengaged and seemed disinterested in the DC
• Eldest DC has recently started Nursery, 3 hours, twice a week
• She managed to potty train her 19-month-old DS (which is not vitally important information in the grand scheme of things, but I thought it was most impressive. Well done OP! )

I’m sure you could find more info if you needed it, but I’m off to bed because I appear to have become an obsessive stalker; sorry!

DoneLikeAKipper · 03/08/2019 06:39

Oh lord, is this the same op who thought she was going to have an affair with her boss over some funny looks .

ColaFreezePop · 03/08/2019 06:52

OP I know of women who inherited the family farm as their brothers, who I studied with, did not want to be farmers.

I suggest you and your DH don't presume which of your children wants to take over the farm regardless of their sex and position of birth.

Give them the choice

Only if they both want it then you decide who is likely to be best in running it and keeping it viable.

If they both don't want it then it should be sold and the money split.

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