Probably not a AIBU question but this seems like the forum where Im most likely to get a varied array of responses without bias.
So Im 40, married to by DH who is honestly the kindest, most generous person I know. He was married previously has 2 kids from his ex-wife, I have no kids.
Im on the cusp of the biggest decision of my life. Whether to have kids or not myself. Ive heard all the arguments about 'you should just know and if you dont then you shouldnt be a mother'. But for some reason that just isnt enough for me. Im a logical person and I find myself drifting all day from imagining a life with a child to living the rest of my life without a child of my own.
For perspective, my husband understands my desire to have a child of my own and supports me which ever way I decide. I know its not the most helpful way for him to support me in this but it really is my choice. He is a great man and will be a great dad. He doesnt have the best relationship with his own kids but that is largely due to his ex-wife moving miles away and everyday contact being limited because its just not logistical. His kids are teens now and I have always had a decent relationship with them, its not a maternal relationship at all and I dont feel maternally about them but we have a good time together as a family on the occasions that they visit. Its not something that has been an issue in our family, we all get along and have accepted the way things are for all of us and there is no upheaval of any sorts.
So I keep bouncing between the idea that my life now is great, my DH and I spend a lot of time together cycling and doing things that are not necessarily conducive to having a child. But then my mind does a complete flip and I think to myself that I really want a family of my own and I can possibly put those things on hold for a few years and raise a child.
I spend a lot of time watching mothers and mentally putting myself into their position and gauging how I feel. If Im watching a mom holding a tantrum throwing toddler in the supermarket I think to myself, no thanks, not for me. Then I watch another holding the hand of a giggling child and I think, ah, that would be nice. I understand that the bad times are countered by this 'love' you feel for your own child so its not possible to explain how and why mothers do what they do everyday.
Time is running out for me to make a choice and Im so frightened that when I make that choice, I wont be happy with it. So much so, that I actually feel frozen in the moment and Im not living my best life right now because Im stuck between two worlds.