My ex is inconsistent with our son.

[Shootingstar1115]

I have a son of 8 with my ex. We split when he was tiny. There used to be more routine of when he had him but since being with his partner (about 3 years ago) it’s been a nightmare. He sees him most weekends but sometimes it’s friday, sometimes Saturday or even Sunday for varying lengths of time. He sometimes has him overnight or sometimes in the day or evenin and he often lets him down last minute. Now I wouldn’t mind IF he let me know his plans perhaps 3-4 days in advance but he literally doesn’t let me know until late Friday afternoon. Because of this we are unable to make plans. My son also has autism so he likes clear plans and routines. Something my ex doesn’t understand. Sometimes it would be easier if he didn’t have him at all.

He will let me know a time Friday evening and if we have plans at that time he gets funny. Why not let us know a day or two before?

My ex needs to make sure his partner is happy and puts her and their baby before DS and works around her plans before making plans with DS

Now it’s the summer holidays it’s a nightmare. Have a family wanting to visit this weekend but I have no idea what time to say. As they want to see DS.

Would it be unreasonable to tell my ex not to see him at all at the weekends if he can’t be consistent and opt for a mid week visit? He only really has him for a short amount of time anyway. (2-3 hours in the day, 7pm-11am it overnight)

I would tell him that he needs to work out a plan and stick to it, because all the change is upsetting your son. And then when he tells you he's changing it, tell him that's not convenient so he won't be able to see his son this week, and that you'll look forward to seeing him at his usual time next week.

Be nice, don't engage with any further discussions, and stick to your guns.

Assuming you have no court order in place...

I would say to him - via email / letter so you have a record - that DS is getting older and needs consistency. Say you are making him available 3-7pm on Saturdays with overnight every other week - or 3-7pm on Wednesday (whatever dates/times suit your sons activities - but I'd give a mid week and a weekend option). But that he will not be available outside of these times unless proper prior arrangements are made (for holidays / weddings / big family visits etc). Then I'd stick to it.

An autistic child without routine is a not fair on the child. Being at your ex's back and call all weekend is not fair on either you or your child.

If he took it to court he would be allocated specific times like this so no reason why you shouldnt go for that now.

My ex needs to make sure his partner is happy and puts her and their baby before DS and works around her plans before making plans with DS

new relationships if it is that, needs this. Sorry but it does. And they have a child. So yea know it hurts but this is life.

Ok so im not religious but they got this right. Worked for millennia, dont see the problem
Spouse - Your spouse comes second only to God, as you are one flesh and each half of the whole. However, neither can be whole without God.

Children - Your children come third. They are a big part of your family, and are the fruit of your marriage. Nothing else comes before your children, except your spouse and God.

1. Everything else - Everything else, including school and your job take a back seat to your family and God.

While there is no one scripture that outlines this priority list, it can be found when you study all of scripture. Each element is mentioned in some fashion in some scripture, either Old Testament or New Testament. Some of these passages have been posted already.

They’ve been together for 3-5 years I think Scorpio so not exactly a new relationship. I can’t remember how long they’ve been together. of course the family he lives with comes first BUT upsetting an autistic child because he can’t make clear plans is not fair either. He could let me know perhaps on Wednesday or Thursday what his plans are not on Friday late afternoon. I have no idea what are plans are because I have no idea when my ex is seeing him. It’s frustrating.

My son likes a clear plan for the weekend both with seeing his dad and with myself, my partner and DD and we can’t do that with my ex being so inconsistent.

@Scorpiovenus are you OK?

@ScorpioVenus aren't you the stepmum who had a stepson who wasn't allowed to be fed at your house and you were okay with this and refused to report his mum for neglect because of other issues aswell?

Hardly a shining beacon of morality are you?

OP it's not on what your ex is doing, your DS needs consistency, even more so with the ASD. His other child shouldn't come second but he should at least he treating them equally which he is clearly not doing.

Scorpoivenus Why should his relationship and second child come before his first child?

What utter nonsense.

@Scorpiovenus - using your scriptures, if you'd made sure your ex was a happy chappy, he wouldnt have skeedaddled and had a second family. God has his place, and it's not on Mumsnet.

Now I'm not religious at all but here's my priority list

1. My Children
2. My Partner
3. Everyone and Everything else

@scorpiovenus this is just weird. Your kids come first. But unless there’s something not right in his new relationship there’s no reason for a conflict in the first place. DS comes to stay with his dad, stepmum and new sibling at regular times each week. Everyone knows where they are and can work other plans around this arrangement. Done.

OP part of the problem here is that you’re putting your ex above your son in terms of keeping them happy. You may not mean to, but this is the effect. It’s perfectly fine to say ‘DS is available at these times every week’ and stick to it. His dad may want a more flexible arrangement nut it’s not working for you or your son, so you need to stick to your guns.