Why are people like this?

[MonstranceClock]

I am surrounded by people who complain daily about how miserable their lives are, yet do nothing about it. It's starting to suck any remaining joy out of me.
I have one friend who has had the same job since she 14. She hates her boss, hates the job, hates her colleagues but refuses to leave and get another job. There wad a job going in the next town over (literally a 3 minute drive) but she wouldn't entertain the idea because it's too far away from her house. WTF?
Another friend is massively overweight, eats like shit and drives her car the 2 minute walk to work. She complains tome constantly about her weight and how she can't possibly figure out where she's going wrong.
One friend even told me how I couldn't possibly understand how hard things are for her. She's living rent free in her mums house and blows her money in the pub every night.
My husband died a few months ago, I have a child and another one on the way. I'm working my ass off putting myself through uni and working part time to change our lives. It takes so much energy for me to be happy and positive, yet im surrounded by emotional hoovers. But if I took a step back from everyone, I would have no one left and be equally as miserable! I don't know how to carry on atm. No one has even asked me how I'm doing after losing my husband because they're too busy in their misery competition. I feel so shit and alone.
Just a vent really.

No wonder you do. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are, even through (very) hard times, being the best person you can, doing the best you can.
I know it can be hard when other people cannot do the same, but you really are exceptional. You really are incredible. Please protect yourself from people who make the amazing thing you are doing even harder.

You poor thing. I'm so sorry you lost your husband.

I think I'd go for a bit of straight talking with those people. If the friendship stops that's not altogether a bad thing, if they can't even ask how you are when you're pregnant and bereaved.

I'm sorry for your loss.

If you are pretending to be happy and positive all the time, how is it you are expecting people to know you are not ok? Maybe they're all thinking, "wow, MoonstranceClock is so strong, she's got it all together, she clearly doesn't need any help".

I appreciate there are times and places where you need to put a face on, and sometimes it can be helpful as a way to cope, but if you never let anybody see that things are tough is that helpful or are you isolating yourself?

Why do you feel you need to pretend to be happy 24/7? Does it make you feel vulnerable to show how you really feel? What are you afraid would happen if you let it show you were having a shit day?

Complaining constantly isn't necessarily healthy or ideal, but nor is pretending to be positive constantly.

And in the nicest way possible, what happened to you is terrible, but that doesn't mean you have the monopoly on suffering and nobody around you is allowed to struggle or feel miserable over things that seem trivial to you by comparison. That's not fair - although I expect I'd probably rage about it too - so don't let it cut you off from people around you because they haven't experienced the same pain as you.

I feel so shit and alone.

You are working so hard to support your children & batter your circumstances that there can't be much time left over for quality social time. You possibly need a 'friend overhaul' - but that takes energy & time, & right now it sounds like you are in Head Down Get On With It mode.

Things will improve - gradually - & new opportunities for meeting a better quality of friend will present themselves to you. You are coming over as very strong, clear-headed, determined & intelligent: you will attract people of similar quality to you when the hard work you are putting in now starts to pay off with changes to your day-to-day circumstances.

I am sorry for your loss. Do not despair. At some point you will just think 'enough is enough' & back away from the moaning losers without a thought of feeling alone. New people will come into your life - hang on in there xx

Stop allowing them to upset you because you don't want to upset them. Tell them to shut the fuck up and fuck off.

ffs BETTER your circumstances, not batter 'em!

& btw, kind & constructive advice from @cottonwoolsnowmen above.

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband 🌷

You’re doing amazingly well to be getting in with things and raising your toddler & incubating another one while grieving for your husband and your planned future

I hope you have other friends that are less draining and more supportive

I think you just have to be blunt sometimes ‘no of course I wouldn’t understand how difficult it is to live rent free at your mums and have the freedom to go out to the pub every night, losing ‘Tom’ bringing up ‘Katie’ and being pregnant with ‘bean’ is such a fiddle in comparison’ 🙄

The others are being pathetic too and being blunt with them will help - either they’ll take your comment on board or they’ll get huffy. It’s a win/win for you!

You need positive people around you, not people who drain all your energy constantly

Would you be equally miserable or would you have extra time to find people who actually bring value to your life?

I know it gets mentioned a fair bit on here but consider joining Widowed and Young (WAY) - I am three years further on than you and have made some fantastic friends through WAY (and yes like any group there will be people you will not want to be friends with too!)

They say being bereaved rewrites your address book and it does, I had good friends I never saw again, new friends, and a select few that were incredible when the shit hit the fan. I have NO regrets about the people I just walked away from.

I believe you try and surround yourself with good people, people who are better than you and that in turn makes you better :-)

I hope your pregnancy goes well and wish you the very best.

Bloody hell OP, you've had a time of it. You deserve better friends than that lot.

I'm so sorry for your loss. your friends sound awful. I agree with the posters above - ditch them and make new friends. it sounds harder than it is. especially for someone like you, a positive go getter. all the best with your pregnacy.

Thankyou.
Sorry I didn't come back to the thread, i stopped off to bed!
I don't think It's worth ditching them over, but I do feel myself thinking "Fuck you!" a lot when they moan at me!