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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asked to be Godmother, friend books christening whilst I'm in Italy?

38 replies

ellajaywilcock · 01/08/2019 16:28

Throughout my best friends pregnancy we've had numerous fall outs, both to blame, hormones heightened but we got over it and still remained best friends. When her baby was born everything seemed to go back to normal and I really have enjoyed being there for her throughout everything.
She told me she was pregnant at 4 weeks and it was then she told me she'd like me to be godmother, I was so chuffed. We discussed it lots and I knew she wanted a September christening and repeatedly said "remember, I'm away from the 20th-27th." The thought of not being there for the special day and unable to be the godmother and replaced by somebody else was heart breaking for me, there was no way she'd do that.
Well today she told me unfortunately there is no other date available than the 22nd. They move house in October, so it has to be then. To say I was devastated would be an understatement, I spent the most part of the day in tears to my mum and other friend, how could she do this? Adding salt to the wound she told me I couldn't be godmother anymore as it has to be a really good reason for none attendance. I replied with "I'm devastated, it meant so much to me" only to get a response of "don't be p**d off theres nothing I can do" and "why are you being off with me, this isnt fair." I was just so upset and still am now.
For me, my chosen godparent would be at the christening no matter what, it feels wrong to me that shes done this to me and I would love to know your guys opinions? Am I over reacting? Should I just get over this? How would you guys feel in my position? I thought I was special enough to be at that christening no matter what and the one week I'm on holiday, she books it? I'm heartbroken and lost for how to move forward with this.

OP posts:

WombatStewForTea · 01/08/2019 16:30

To say I was devastated would be an understatement, I spent the most part of the day in tears to my mum and other friend, how could she do this?

It's shit of her but yes you're massively overreacting.

H2OH20Everywhere · 01/08/2019 16:31

I'd love to know what she counts as an acceptable reason for non-attendance, considering you told her months in advance that you had a holiday booked for then.

On the other hand I do feel your reaction is a little OTT, but it's obvious you're disappointed to have been relegated. Can you try talking to her again?

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 01/08/2019 16:33

Obviously to be a god parent you need to be there. But you are massively over reacting, you don’t need a title to play a part in a child’s life.

Waveysnail · 01/08/2019 16:34

Theres no other date. They move in october. Its life. Yabu to be so dramatic

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 01/08/2019 16:35

She said it was the only available date, because they're moving house. Sounds reasonable to me. Stop making everything about you.

zeezee3 · 01/08/2019 16:35

@ellajaywilcock Sounds like she doesn't think as much of you, as you think of her sorry.

She doesn't seem to care that you can't make it, and that you are no longer Godmother.

I would start giving her a wide berth to be honest. She sounds like a shit friend IMO.

Jeezoh · 01/08/2019 16:36

You are massively over reacting and your level of upset is a bit weird to be honest. Our local church only does christenings one Sunday a month as part of a family service so maybe her church is the same.

Cloudyapples · 01/08/2019 16:36

You sound like hard work honestly if this isn’t the first fallout. It isn’t about you - it’s her child’s christening. Maybe she did it on purpose because she didn’t want to tell you she just doesn’t want you as a godmother anymore?

notacooldad · 01/08/2019 16:37

How would you guys feel in my position?
Seriously? My response would be ' oh, it's a shame I cant make it, I'm sure you'll have a great day. Who are you going to have as godparents now? ' and not give it another thought. I would buy a present and card and hand them over before I go away .... and that is it!
No tears, tantrums or heartbreak, that's just nuts!

GrapefruitIsGross · 01/08/2019 16:37

Is there a chance she did it deliberately, knowing that you can’t make it so you therefore wouldn’t be godmother? Just so it saves her an awkward conversation?

If there were numerous fall outs while she was pregnant she might have had a rethink.

Thegracefuloctopus · 01/08/2019 16:39

Sounds like she's asked you to be godmother in all the excitement of being pregnant and has now decided against it. She's booked it then on purpose if you ask me. Sorry op

Zebraaa · 01/08/2019 16:39

It’s unfortunate but you are massively over-reacting. What would you do different for the child, from what you currently do now, by being a godparent?

Pipandmum · 01/08/2019 16:40

You don’t actually have to be there, you could have a proxy. But if you both have such a volatile relationship why do you want to be the godparent?

Icecreamsoda99 · 01/08/2019 16:42

It probably won't be anything to do with her saying it's not an acceptable reason, it will be the priest or vicar. Is it a Catholics baptism? If so there are strict rules about who can be a godparent. Even if not the church may have a strict rules about when baptisms are held, like one Sunday every 5 months, or it might be the only weekend that great-auntie Tracey can be there and she has family pressure to make sure she can be there. Also please don't think this means you can't be an important part of your friend's daughter's life! Godparents are really symbolic these days and my mum isn't even friends with one of mine and I have no contact with her.

Lllot5 · 01/08/2019 16:42

Not so much being unreasonable as massively overreacting.
Our local church does christenings once a month perhaps that’s what’s happened here.

Nautiloid · 01/08/2019 16:42

I wouldn't be happy in your shoes. I think she would have planned it for another month if she wanted you to be godmother that badly.
However, as the relationship has been so up and down it may be for the best.
I'd be a grown up about it, work on a more stable friendship and your role in the baby's life probably won't be any less.

Sparadrap · 01/08/2019 16:43

To say I was devastated would be an understatement, I spent the most part of the day in tears to my mum and other friend, how could she do this

That’s a massive overreaction. Of course it’s sad you can’t make it. However, she’s got a young baby and is moving house soon. You aren’t her priority.

crisscrosscranky · 01/08/2019 16:43

If you're that devastated change your holiday dates.

I wanted my best friend at my wedding but the only date we could get to suit us, holiday at work etc meant she would still be overseas for another week. She Skyped I'm from a laptop at the back of the church.

BendingSpoons · 01/08/2019 16:44

It sounds like she might have changed her mind and it's a get out for her to not have you any more. It's sad but it sounds like your friendship has changed.

Original poster

ellajaywilcock · 01/08/2019 16:45

Thank you for telling me I'm over reacting as I actually feel better. I work alone at a desk, with nobody else and its hard to not get wrapped up in stuff and think things are worse than they are, and therefore I always over react, so I appreciate the bang on the head there.
Gutted I can't go but I know we'll remain friends forever and the christening wont be relevant in years to come and the godmother title wont matter in hindsight.

OP posts:

itswinetime · 01/08/2019 16:45

Have you ever organised a Christening? First off you speak to the priest/vicar and arrange a date they can do some only do christenings once a month! Some are
Booked way in advance. From that list you have to find the one that the most people are free for. Grandparents aunts uncles parents. It's obviously been made harder by the fact they are moving and will be chasing parishes I presume? I don't know if they want a particular church or if it's just the hassle or delay of starting over in a new parish but it's hassle! You can't go and that is sad but your friend isn't trying to leave you out or exclude you on Purpose.

Take a step back get some perspective you can still be a big part of this child's life? You can still be important to your friend and her dc but you aren't godmother what does it even mean it's a title but that will only happen if you step back and realise gang this isn't all about you! I know that sounds harsh but if they are as Important to you as they seem I hope it helps you gain some perspective or you will push them away

MsSquiz · 01/08/2019 16:47

@ellajaywilcock you can still be a godparent and not be present at the christening. You just have someone stand in for you during the service.

This happened when my nephew and niece were christened, SIL's brother was supposed to be godfather but was out of the country so his dad stood in for him on the day.

Here's the C of E link explaining:
churchofenglandchristenings.org/for-parents/is-it-possible-to-have-godparents-by-proxy/

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/08/2019 16:47

I think she’s changed her mind about you being godmother and this is how she’s letting you know.

The friendship sounds very volatile. Why have you had so many arguments? It might be that she’s not as okay after the various fall outs as you think.

Flev · 01/08/2019 16:49

Not sure what denomination it is, but one of my daughter's godparents wasn't able to be present. On the suggestion of our minister, she recorded her promise, and we played it in the service at the appropriate moment. As far as we were concerned, we wanted a godparent for the rest of our daughters life, not just for that day!

Cosentyx · 01/08/2019 17:01

YABU. Get over it already. Devastated, heart-broken? You're over-invested. Please move on.

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