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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my parents were a bit crap?

17 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 01/08/2019 16:14

Thinking about my parents and I'm thinking they weren't that great, mostly my dad. I was fed and had a roof over my head, I wasn't physically abused or anything. They weren't alcoholics or drug addicts. So want other peoples opinions.
I feel that my parents, especially my dad were not that interested in me growing. They never checked I was doing my homework, and I don't ever remember them helping me with my homework. They never pushed me to do any extra curriculum activities and because I was quite lazy as a child/ teenager I spent most of my free time playing computer games and watching TV. I regret not learning to play an instrument. I remember one summer when I was a young teenager and I spent alot of the time, whole days, in my room playing computer games in my pyjamas and my parents were not concerned. They weren't bothered if I did A levels let alone go to university (they did drive me to university and let me stay at their house rent free during the summer holidays). They also didn't take much of an interest in the things I was interested in. I remember my dad saying some of my interests were "weird". I remember my dad would put me down with snide jokey comments when I was young. He is a very childish man and would yell over the tiniest of things, especially at my mum. My dad will take offence and sulk over the smallest things. He is also always right and never admits if he is wrong or says sorry. He also uses emotional blackmail, like if fathers day card is late he will say something like "you don't love me". I feel sorry for my mum that she has to put up with him, she is very passive with my dad's behaviour. I remember one thing he said "no one ever helped me so why should I help you". I don't remember the context of conversation but I still remember him saying that over 15 years ago and it still stings thinking about it. I wasn't allowed friends over to the house ever because the said they were embarrassed the house was a mess. My best friend from primary school after drifting apart because I moved school visited my house when I was in secondary school after years of not seeing each other but my dad told me to tell her to go because she isn't allowed in the house. I still feel bad when I think about that, she had travelled across town with her friend! They would also both complain to me about each other. They still do. Like my dad complains to me about my mum saying he would pay most of the bills and the house is still a mess. I also lent my parents some money (about 2000 pounds) that I had earned with summer jobs whilst I was a student living on very little myself. They still haven't paid me it all back (was about 12 years ago now).

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
PandaAtTheZoo · 01/08/2019 17:22

Bump anyone?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 01/08/2019 17:32

Your dad doesn’t sound like a pleasant man. Are you still in touch? I think you’re going to have to write that money, and any hopes of a better relationship with him, off.

Don’t lend them any more, and if you want to maintain some kind of contact, set the bar very low. Smile

ethelfleda · 01/08/2019 17:37

I think there comes a time in most people’s lives when they sit back and evaluate their childhood and whether or not their parents were adequate. It happened to me when I was pregnant (DS now nearly 2) and I came to the conclusion that they weren’t adequate. For many reasons similar to yours really. My mom particularly was very nasty to me growing up.
But it’s a curve - eventually you’ll make peace with it and move on and try not to let it affect your day to day life too much.
It’s a tough one, OP so you have my sympathies Flowers

clairefrasier · 01/08/2019 17:42

They don’t sound like the worst parents OP, but you’re Dad doesn’t sound very nice and can why you think he is a bit crap. So YANBU in thinking your Dad is a bit crap. If he’s the one who saying he pays the bills then he’s probably the one who needs to pay you back, as assuming he’s the main earner.

Fragalino · 01/08/2019 17:45

Yep they sound awful and telling friend to go is awful, I can't bear this when children are at home not having a home it's rude.

But then that attitude goes some way to explain their closed off mind in the first place.

jennymanara · 01/08/2019 17:47

A lot of parents in the older generation did not really choose to have kids, it is just what you did after you got married. This is why I hate anyone who is unsure being encouraged to have kids.
I remember hearing adults when I was a teenager saying their kids were on their own once they turned 16. Some seemed to see their responsibilities as parents just being about looking after them physically.
I wonder though if your mum is so passive because she is used to being emotionally controlled by your dad?

PandaAtTheZoo · 01/08/2019 17:57

Butchyrestingface yeah I'm still in touch with them. More since I had my son. My mum is good with my son and he likes seeing her. I feel a bit sorry for my mum putting up with my dad. Can be annoying to be around my dad because of his pettiness, childishness and sulking if he doesn't get his way.

ethelfleda I know what you mean, and your definitely right it's best to move on. I think about it every so often though.Yeah it's not great realising one of your parents wasn't that great Flowers. How often do you see you parents if you don't mind me asking. It can be difficult sometimes seeing them be better with your child than they were with you growing up, I feel awful saying that though.

OP posts:
PandaAtTheZoo · 01/08/2019 18:01

jennymanara I was an accident and that's why my parents got married really young, could that be why? Think that's my dad's attitude, just looking after a child physically, as long as they are feed attitude. I think my mum puts up with it for an easy life. Otherwise he moans and sulks alot.

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PandaAtTheZoo · 01/08/2019 18:03

Fragalino I still feel awful when I think about it. She had come all that way to perhaps rekindle our friendship. I had to stand at the door and tell her sorry I'm busy and close the door on her.

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AtrociousCircumstance · 01/08/2019 18:04

Yeah they sound crap, there was emotional neglect, disinterest and self-absorption.

Just wanted to say I hear you,

chickenyhead · 01/08/2019 18:10

Sounds like my childhood, less being constantly compared to my uber siblings, being called names and never being allowed to have an opinion on anything (including cutting my knee length hair in to an ear length Bob and having my comfort teddy given away at 3 y/o). Its defo a post war generation thing. Emotions, feelings and speaking the truth are dirty words.

ethelfleda · 01/08/2019 19:51

How often do you see you parents if you don't mind me asking. It can be difficult sometimes seeing them be better with your child than they were with you growing up, I feel awful saying that though

I am NC with my Dad. He lives in another country with a new wife - whole other story!
I see my mom about once a week. And she is much better with DS that she was with me. I realise now why we aren’t close. But she is a good grandma so she has some redeeming qualities I guess!

ethelfleda · 01/08/2019 19:54

My parents ridiculed me for being upset.
They poked fun at me during times when I was incredibly emotional (I was about 9)
They left me in a hotel room at night, alone, at 10 suffering from heatstroke while they went out.
I nearly drowned on a holiday, aged 6, because they let me wander off in a waterpark.
My mom used to slap me over my head and call me a stupid sod, not only if I did something wrong, but if I was just being silly (as a child sometimes is)
As an adult, I am low self esteem, anxiety issues and no confidence.

The huge silver lining is that I am completely determined to do a much better job at being a parent than they were.

HopelessLayout · 01/08/2019 19:56

Ultimately the role of a parent is to make sure your child fulfils his/her potential. Putting a roof over their head and providing food is the very bare minimum.
So yes, I'm afraid you are correct.

DitheringBlidiot · 01/08/2019 20:04

Up until the bit about your dad being unpleasant sounds like my childhood/adolescence. It was just my mum bringing me and my two brothers up and I have never thought she was anything less than a superhero. As an adult I am very close to my mum but am always pleased that she is not over involved in my life. She has always been behind me, or gently advised me otherwise. I’m just not sure extra curriculars and making sure kids were always occupied was a “thing” as much in say the 80s/90s as it is now

WhatHaveIFound · 01/08/2019 20:08

I was an accident and that's why my parents got married really young, could that be why?

There could be a lot of truth in this. I found out recently that my parents married when my mum was pregnent with my sister, then i was another mistake within a year. I think my mum resented us and this came across in her parenting and she suffered from depression too so was very detatched from us.

Your parents definitely sound like they were emotionally neglectful. Has your mum ever spoken to you one to one about their relationship?

PandaAtTheZoo · 01/08/2019 22:07

AtrociousCircumstance thanks

ethelfleda that's awful. I also have low self esteem /confidence, and anxiety issues, especially social anxiety. I always think people are judging me negatively every time I go outside. When your mum is a good grandmother does it sometimes make you ask yourself why didn't I get that treatment as a child. I often ask that to myself. I here you about it making you determined to do better as a parent yourself.

WhatHaveIFound my mum often has complained about my dad, especially his childish behaviour were he sulks etc. She just puts up with it for an easy life I think. Not sure why she has put up with it for so long, maybe I could ask her

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