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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To relocate from South to North

30 replies

Fallingrain · 01/08/2019 16:14

I’m considering a move (back) North. DH isn’t keen and hasn’t been for all the time we’ve been together. Whilst I’ve always wanted to go home, particularly now my parents are getting on. It’s got to the point that I really really want to go. I can work up there and DH would have to find something (but I’m the main breadwinner and we could live on my salary).

We’ve got two kids of primary age but they are pretty sociable and I’m sure would settle in well. I’m thinking easier to move before they hit secondary school?

It’s hard isn’t it? I can just see years of doing the epic drive up there ahead of me, especially as I’m close to my parents and I’d want to help them.

So AIBU

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 01/08/2019 16:16

YABU.

stucknoue · 01/08/2019 16:18

No yanbu. But a word of caution, I know two families that did that and in both cases the marriage didn't last the move, in one case the southern partner went home, in the other case they went overseas (basically she doesn't know where he is). It's a tricky one for sure, no right or wrong, just consider that it is pretty much a one way trip because it's really hard to move back these days

PennyGold · 01/08/2019 16:18

I'm originally from the North (husband is from South) and we've been living down there for a few years, but I was finding that I was living on the A1.
We're currently in the North East now looking for a house! I said to DH that we'd tried/ done the down South thing, and that I was missing my family too much, so we've decided to try up North for a few years, then we'll decide where we prefer to live.

Loopytiles · 01/08/2019 16:20

Are you saying that if your H refused to move and remained where he is your relationship would be over?

What would that mean for your DC?

Loopytiles · 01/08/2019 16:21

I wouldn’t want to be sole earner and risk my partner having majority residency of the DC in the event of divorce.

CollaterlieSistersSister · 01/08/2019 16:22

What exactly is your AIBU?? The choice is either moving nearer to, or doing a weighty trek to see your parents, and your DH won’t entertain the former?

What exactly is your DH objection? Is it crossing the mythical North South divide, as deplorable as that may be (not), or is it moving at all?

Needs to be a family decision, surely.

Original poster
Fallingrain · 01/08/2019 16:34

Exactly that really. DH doesn’t really want to move. I suspect there is a bit of North/South prejudice in there but it’s more that he wants the kids to have a completely settled childhood without disruption. We live in a nice house in a nice place but it’s not really my cup of tea - very wealthy area which can be a bit snobbish.

I’m more confident about the adaptability of kids and I’m (selfishly) worried that I will be really torn in time and energy as my parents age. Kids will go to a big variety of secondary schools where we are now whilst if we move almost all will go to the same school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingrain · 01/08/2019 16:50

@PennyGold Do you have kids do you mind me asking? Currently really wishing I’d forced the issue earlier but I buried my head in the sand a lot and now it feels like it’s getting to the last stages when I can do it.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 01/08/2019 16:52

DH and I had this argument before we got engaged and married. He refused to move up north and was clear that he would never wish to do so. Had I moved at that time we would probably have broken up. I chose to stay in the south and make the best of it. I would stay even in the event that we got divorced as it wouldn’t be in the DCs’ interests to have parents living 200 miles apart.

I too have older parents, one with health issues who cannot travel. not ideal, but foreseeable.

When it comes down to it, you either work it out - eg through couples counselling - or decide whether you’re willing (and legally able) to move alone with the DC.

Original poster
Fallingrain · 01/08/2019 16:57

@loopytiles I totally agree re parents 200 miles apart. I’d never do that. So I guess it comes down to whether DH will move. I think he would but forcing the issue would be hard for everyone which is why I’ve never done it. I guess I was hoping that he’d just come round to it one day.

OP posts:
Kakfor · 01/08/2019 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

CheshireChat · 01/08/2019 17:39

What about your DH's family? Instead of you having to go back, he will.

Also, how easily could he transfer jobs in practice? He may well not want to rely exclusively on your wage.

Original poster
Fallingrain · 01/08/2019 18:07

We are in different situations as his mum lives close to his sibling whilst mine are nowhere near.

@cheshirechat I think he’d find a job though it may take time. To be honest it happens all the time the other way round.

I am worried about him not being happy. But I’m not happy now so it’s difficult.

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 01/08/2019 18:39

Oh, I know it's definitely more common for women to do it, but obviously there's some risks associated (in the nicest way possible).

Loopytiles · 01/08/2019 18:41

Why are you not happy where you’re living?

RandomMess · 01/08/2019 18:45

What are the secondary schools like where you live now?

Original poster
Fallingrain · 01/08/2019 18:46

@loopytiles I am for the most part. But I find it a bit snobby and it’s a really really expensive place to live and a hugely competitive environment. Plus I am three hours (on a really good run) away from my best mates and parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingrain · 01/08/2019 18:47

@RandomMess I suppose it depends on the measure. It’s grammar and my kids are bright. But it seems like an awful lot of pressure to get in and stay in.

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 01/08/2019 18:49

Could your parents move nearer you? This is what mine and in laws have done and we appreciate it so much.

RandomMess · 01/08/2019 18:51

We moved south to NW although I was originally from NE. No regrets and DH neither even though he had lived in his home town his whole life and always been reluctant and doesn't do change etc...

Loopytiles · 01/08/2019 18:53

Presumably OP’s parents couldn’t move south even if they wanted to due to much higher housing costs.

So you mean you don’t like other local (school) mums and the south east grammar cramming?

Are you near a super selective, or in a full grammar/secondary modern area?

Rock4please · 01/08/2019 18:54

It's very cold!!!

RandomMess · 01/08/2019 18:56

DH says it's just calmer, less busy and less stress, more green, more wildlife. Yes we do still live in suburbia!

He also says the roads are far less dangerous when he cycles, as the main driver I have to say you don't have to be super nippy to pull out anymore.

PennyGold · 01/08/2019 19:09

@Fallingrain No we're planning on trying next year (no help to you I'm afraid). It was something that factored in our decision as we'd have childcare up North too.
I'd recommend you both going up to visit/ having a look at different houses and schools, if he's reluctant calmly explain that you made the move a few years ago.
I'd really start to resent someone who wouldn't at least consider/ discuss it (as i was really starting to hate not being with family) but I do appreciate that it's a big move for him and the family.
Good luck!

riotlady · 01/08/2019 19:33

I think your kids will be fine! I moved 5 times as a child and the only ones that bothered me were the moves at 13 (we’d only been there 2 years and they’d promised it was the last move) and 16 (nightmare age to move at because of exams, especially as we went from Scotland to England) . Below 11, it doesn't majorly impact schooling and I think kids tend to adapt just fine. I wouldn’t let that hold you back if it would make your home life more stable- as you wouldn’t be travelling back and forth so much.