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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am being made a mug of ?

47 replies

Everhappy · 01/08/2019 09:38

When my boyfriend of a year goes away with his mates for weekends or holidays abroad, he always sees me two or three days before he leaves and when he gets back , he waits another couple of days to see me . I am free to meet him anytime, would love to see him and tell him so . He says he needs time to build up to holidays and weekends away , time to pack and plan for the break and when he gets back, time to relax and unwind for a few days . Is this normal? I don’t get to go on holidays or weekends away with him . Should I expect more after a year ?

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 01/08/2019 11:06

Why are you free to meet him anytime? If you wasn't, this wouldn't be so much of an issue.

I think there's a difference in lifestyle and a compromise has to made, for the relationship to continue.

Having said that, I'd wonder if he's waiting for symptoms of an STI to show up.

What's your relationship like the rest of the time?

HypatiaCade · 01/08/2019 11:06

It doesn't sound like he knows how to be part of a couple. He needs to be on his own far more than others.

@k1233 I find people draining.

But your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't just general 'people' are they? They should be the person you can relax with.

Skittlenommer · 01/08/2019 11:26

Some of you sound a bit bunny boileresque!

Some people need time to recharge. I am a HUGE introvert. Was in tears recently after a weekend with husbands family as felt mentally exhausted and over-stimulated. When we got home I told my husband I needed me time (as did he) and did my own thing until I felt human again!

If you’ve been away from your partner of course you look forward to seeing them but the idea of dashing over from the airport in the rain is the stuff of movies. It’s not real life. If he likes to have time to organise and then time to recharge then leave him to it.

Original poster

Everhappy · 01/08/2019 11:27

I think it’s good but I don’t have any previous healthy relationships to compare it to.My previous was the absolute opposite in terms of commitment and wanting to spend time together.
We get on super.See eachother a couple of times a week.get on great with each other’s families.He says we could go away together if I had the means but I’ve taken a pay drop to climb the career ladder so it will be some years until I get back to normal life style that I had.

OP posts:

InsertFunnyUsername · 01/08/2019 11:33

Before DC when i had boozy weekends people wouldn't see me until tuesday, i spent most of sunday hungover, Then Monday unpack, wash clothes etc so that in itself is not unusual tbh.

But that applied to everyone except my DP! I wanted to see him, have a lazy day on the sofa eating junk food and wallowing in self pity, so that bit is unusual and sounds like he sees you and his actual life as two seperate things! X

MissSueDenim · 01/08/2019 11:40

I am regularly skint and he likes to have holidays and time with his mates and brothers.

Have you ever said or perhaps implied this to him OP? If you have, it might have come across as quite passive aggressive, like you begrudge him going away with other people.

I don’t get to go on holidays or weekends away with him . Should I expect more after a year ?

Well if you’re always skint OP, how can you afford to go away? Or are you expecting him to pay for you?

Is it possible you perhaps - completely unintentionally - make him feel guilty for having more disposable income & going away without you? Maybe that’s why he avoids before & after his trips.

Have you posted about this before? There was a very similar thread recently.

Derbee · 01/08/2019 11:40

I don’t agree there’s no hope. Talk to him and explain you’d like things to change.

If they don’t change, then there’s no hope.

Seahorseshoe · 01/08/2019 11:49

I'm going on holiday tomorrow with the family, I haven't started packing for four yet. I could understand if, after a holiday he had a lot to catch up on, or he wasn't prepared getting ready for one - occasionally, but it being a regular "I can't see you in these time frames" I would find worrying.

Considering he's 34 and you're his first serious girlfriend, he needs to pull his socks up and stop thinking like a bachelor, if he wants to not be one.

I'd be having words, if I were you.

Original poster

Everhappy · 01/08/2019 12:03

Absolutely noway do I expect him to buy me a holiday.I always pay for my own stuff. He knows this.
He can be selfish though and already has an excuse when I want to meet if it does not suit him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Everhappy · 01/08/2019 12:09

Always I mean

OP posts:

longearedbat · 01/08/2019 12:14

Surely you are a 'mate' too. When I got together with my now h we planned our holidays together; he didn't want to go with his mates, he wanted to go with me.
I would say he's not that into you.

Bluntness100 · 01/08/2019 12:19

I'm also struggling to see the issue here. Why can't he go away with his mates, people who would dump him for it I can't even get my head round. It's so controlling.

They only see each other a couple of times a week. It takes me ages to recover from a weekend away, if he wants to get him self sorted or relax, so what, she's not exactly missing out as they only see each other a couple of times a week.

The issue here is mis matched requirements of rhe relarionship. He wants to continue to do his things, and see you a couple of times a week. Nothing wrong with that. You want to see him whenever possible. Nothing wrong with that either. Just you are on different pages. Possibly not compatible.

I'd be curious though about a thirty four year old man who'd never had a serious relationship before though. That's a bit unusual.

MissSueDenim · 01/08/2019 12:53

@longearedbat he does want to go away with the OP & he’s told her that, unfortunately she can’t afford it though.

Original poster

Everhappy · 02/08/2019 13:00

Really don’t know how to read this one as he is quite introverted , needs loads of space ( which is why we only see each other a couple of Times a week) but when together is present, attentive etc.Yes he can be selfish and conversation can normally come back to being about him but I suspect that this is a habit .To add, he is a bit spoilt by mummy and loves it.He said that his previous flings were just that, not serious . One was a psycho and the other was paranoid and mean he said.

OP posts:

Juells · 02/08/2019 13:44

One was a psycho and the other was paranoid and mean he said.

Yeah, them women all be bitches 😂 This is what he'll be saying about you when you split up.

hazell42 · 02/08/2019 13:53

O think you need to stop being free to meet him anytime. Start having your own life. Go away with your own friends. Need him less
Or just dump his arse.

Juells · 02/08/2019 14:24

Or just dump his arse.

^^ this. Personally, I'd think he's shagging every time he goes away but I may be projecting because of being on the receiving end of similar behaviour. 😜

LordNibbler · 02/08/2019 14:40

He said that his previous flings were just that, not serious . One was a psycho and the other was paranoid and mean he said.
I used to believe this kind of shit when I was in my twenties and thirties. Now in my fifties I know this......huge red flag, firstly 'they' were probably just women who wanted to be treated properly and wouldn't put up with his shit. Secondly when men say this to new girlfriends, the new girlfriend then goes out of her way to prove to him she's not like 'them'. This means not questioning questionable behaviour and allowing herself to be treated less than well.
It's a very small world, and sometimes I've met some these psycho ex's years down the line and found them all to be perfectly nice women.

Juells · 02/08/2019 14:43

'they' were probably just women who wanted to be treated properly and wouldn't put up with his shit.

Yup. He's treating you badly, he treated them the same way and they got fed up of it.

Babdoc · 02/08/2019 14:48

Yup, definite warning bells if he calls his exes psychos.
OP, what does this relationship do for your self esteem and well being?
It sounds like you’re very far down his list of priorities. He’s not exactly desperate to see you when he gets home, is he?
I think I’d be pretty insulted if a partner couldn’t be arsed seeing me for two days after an absence on holiday, when he lives in the same bloody village!

billy1966 · 02/08/2019 16:03

Definitely run OP for all the reasons you've listed.
Selfish,
Talks about himself too much,
Mummy's boy,
Speaks badly about his ex's.

He's no prize.

ElleDubloo · 02/08/2019 16:15

He’s behaving like he’s in his early 20’s.

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