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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Marriage over or not

11 replies

Lleb · 31/07/2019 22:29

Just need some advice been married over 30 years yes 30 years and life is so hard at present. My H thinks I’m being ungrateful if I don’t agree with what he says or does. I gave up my job to help look after gc which I do enjoy but apparently that gives him the right to rule my life now as I don’t earn a penny. H drinks heavily most evenings leaving me to sit alone. We have nothing to talk about but I have no where to go. How do I stand up to him

OP posts:

Gatepost1820 · 31/07/2019 23:00

I would return to work imo so you've got money coming in. Your gc can go to paid childcare like thousands of other children. I assume you're not being paid to care for your gc?

Very carefully make copies of all your husband's paperwork (bank statements, assets, insurance documents, investments, mortgage documents, house deeds or tenancy agreements etc. Then hide it preferably with a trusted friend, family member or solicitor.

Start planning to leave but this will take time and discretion. Do the freedom programme and contact woman's aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

cuppycakey · 31/07/2019 23:04

Can you get some legal advice?

All the family solicitors in my area will give 30 minutes free advice ( yeah yeah I know they don't have to and every area isn't the same)

You may be quite pleasantly surprised at how much better your life would be if you split. Do you own your home or rent? Any pensions/savings? These are the questions a solicitor will be asking you.

Don't just sit there and waste another 30 years.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/07/2019 23:07

Wait wait. Stop with the “leave the bastard”, there aren’t enough details.

Op, has he always been like that? Ifnot, when and why did he change? Could retirement have made him depressed? Feeling like he doesn’t have a purpose or a role? You have both of those in caring for your DGC but does he?

Have you talked to him and had it out with him? How is your communication usually?

KellyHall · 31/07/2019 23:22

Feeling trapped, e.g. financially, can make one feel unusually strong "flight" instincts.

If that element was removed, how would you feel?

You don't have to look after GC or work, you could do a little of both. I work two jobs and take care of my two year old. Employment gives a sense of independence and success which can positively influence the rest of your life.

At the same time, everyone always has a choice about the situation they live in. Perhaps life without your husband wouldn't be as financially comfortable but what are the real pros and cons of staying vs leaving?

Could you stay and not see each other much? Find your own interests and things to do/places to go whatever decision you make, it'll give you confidence to be happy being you at least.

Original poster

Lleb · 31/07/2019 23:44

I have started to apply for some jobs as I know this will help me make that decision we are financially well off but money don’t buy happiness thanks for your advice. Feel like I’ve wasted 30 + years of my life

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 01/08/2019 00:24

Did you discuss and agree that you would give up your job to look after GC?

Just trying to see this objectively, because I'm sure he'd like to to slow down as he's getting older too.

Are you drawing a pension yet?

SandyY2K · 01/08/2019 00:26

H drinks heavily most evenings leaving me to sit alone. We have nothing to talk about but I have no where to go

Has he always been this way or is it a new thing?

It sounds like you've never been that happy, but have now had enough of his behaviour.

whogoncheckmeBoo · 01/08/2019 00:27

No advice but hope you are ok. I’m sure you haven’t wasted 30 years, but you definitely shouldn’t waste any more years being unhappy or looking back thinking you wish u’d made some changes. Good luck

Brain06626 · 01/08/2019 02:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Idontwanttotalk · 01/08/2019 02:58

Why would you want to make yourself financially dependent on someone else? You do need to get back to work so that you don't rely on him for your income. You might even find then that you do have new things to talk about with him.

Does he always drink heavily or is that a new thing? Can you talk to him about his drinking habits? Maybe he feels the same way that you do and drinks through boredom or because he is under stress.

I must say, from what you have said, it sounds like you have already made your decision and would want to leave if you had somewhere to go. If that is the case then could your children put you up until you find somewhere to live alone?

AltheaVestr1t · 01/08/2019 03:04

Find a job, even a small one, so you have some independence. Find some hobbies, so you have a space outside the house. LTB is not very helpful in relationships of 20+ years I think, too much water under the bridge. Of course if that’s what you think is right, do. Otherwise, work on your own wellbeing, independent of your OH.

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