I am in something or a moral quandary. Two elderly relatives are dying. We are realistically talking days rather than weeks. Both live many hours from me (3.5 hours min by train, plus the journeys to/from the train station either end so probably closer to 4 hours each way and that's assuming a train is available right when you need it to be).
The relatives are my Grandma and great Aunt. The latter was more like an aunt than a great aunt, being closer in age to my Mum than my Grandma. I saw them both fairly irregularly due to geography but had good relationships with both, and would send them photos of my daughter etc.
The difficulty I have is that I have a 17 month old daughter who is in the throes of separation anxiety, exacerbated by a recent house move and change of nursery. She is still fed to sleep at night as previous attempts at sleep training have unfortunately not been successful.
My Mum has already said to me that she doesn't want me to attend the funeral (they dying relatives are her Mum and Aunt). She doesnt want my daughter being distressed by the absence of her Mum, especially if I end up falling foul of transport delays etc and being even later home. She has said nobody will think any less of me for it and that (I'm paraphrasing here) if anyone does then sod them. My Dad has said much the same, saying I dont need to attend to prove my loyalty to the family etc.
Objectively I believe they are probably right but the idea of not going is leaving me feeling horribly guilty, mostly about the prospect of not being there for my Mum. My Mum was an only child and is about to lose her Mum and the closest thing she had to a sister in the space of a few days. Both will be a relief in some respects - the aunt has had lung cancer, and my Grandma has for around 9 months or so been suffering with what we presumed was dementia but now turns out to be a brain tumour. Her behaviour had become increasingly stressful for my Mum as a result. Grandma is not suffering and is in fact mostly unconscious, Aunt unfortunately must be suffering quite a lot. My brother (much more local) went to see both this weekend and in his words "neither looked the way you would particularly want to remember them tbh"
I'm grappling with the potential guilt over not going and in particular not being there for my Mum, although my Dad and brother will both be there. I'm also feeling guilt over not having made more effort to see them both whilst I still had chance....not so much in this last year and a half since I became a Mum, but more before that. Equally though, from a practical point of view, fraught with difficulties and I dont want to cause distress to my daughter through my absence (I've never not been back in time for her bedtime).
What would you do?
Ps in tears typing this so please go easy on me here.