AIBU to expect a bit more? (Trigger warning - Miscarriage)

[lemurllama]

This is my first time of posting. I’ve been around for quite a while but never started my own post. However, today I feel really alone and wanted the perspective of people who aren’t involved.

I’ve been having a tough time the last few weeks with my pregnancy. My last two pregnancies ended in miscarriage and I have been very anxious about this one, not helped by the ongoing bleeding. However, I have had two scans which showed everything developing as expected and last week we saw the heartbeat.

Yesterday whilst on my lunch break and wandering around a busy shopping centre, I suddenly started bleeding extremely heavily. I was wearing several layers and the blood immediately soaked through everything, ran down to the floor and was so heavy and filled with clots I could barely walk. My work colleague phoned for an ambulance and I was taken to hospital, where I stayed for several hours. The staff there didn’t think I’d passed the pregnancy yet, just lots of big clots, and told me to come back at 9am today for an emergency scan.

After a sleepless night on my part, my husband and I were at the EPU by about 8:50am and to cut a long story short, there had been a muck up in the system and I was unable to be seen today and was told to come back tomorrow instead. I was obviously very upset, and this is where my AIBU comes in. My husband is pretty rubbish with emotions and comfort when it comes to me. I am a strong person, but I needed comfort this morning and he wouldn’t even touch me on the shoulder, hold my arm, pat my back, or anything else. Instead he did his usual ‘having a go’ and kept on going over and over and over the same things to try and make me feel small in the way I dealt with things at the hospital. This is his usual tactic and is draining, particularly this morning when I was in floods of tears and unable to focus on anything. (Not helped by my lack of sleep.)

I’m genuinely not sure if wanting a touch to know he was there for me was expecting too much, or if I should just suck it up as I normally do. AIBU to expect a little more? I’ve been with my husband for so long I don’t know how other partners react. Please let me know. I can take it either way.

Ps I can't talk to anyone in real life about this as no one knows about my pregnancy, apart from one colleague who is at work today while I'm at home. She was amazing yesterday but has enough of her own things to deal with.

I’m so sorry. Of course you should expect to be held and supported. Your husband doesn’t sound very kind. Is this normal or is he acting this way because he is upset? Either way is not acceptable but one is salvageable and the other isn’t.

I’ve had multiple losses and I’m so sorry. Please make sure they refer you to get tests done. I’ve since had two healthy children after many losses. Miscarriages are hell and of course you need your husband to be kind and compassionate. Do you have a sister, mum, friend who can come and support you since he isn’t?

Thank you. I think he's generally void of emotion when it comes to me for some reason.

I have no one to talk to in real life unfortunately. My mum dealt with my last miscarriage badly and I haven't told her I am/was pregnant again. I don't have a sister and I haven't told anyone else about the pregnancy. I am going round my daughter's friend's house this afternoon for a playdate so I think the poor mum may be stuck with me being a crying mess

I am so sorry. Your husband Is a mean bully.

Your DH had a go at you?

@53rdWay yikes I really wasn't expecting that response! Maybe it's something to think about though.

@OoohOnly90CaloriesIllhave10 yes but not because of the miscarriage; rather it was because he disagreed with how I dealt with the appointment mix up.

YANBU to expect more support from your 'd' h. What a bully he is! I'm so sorry that you've suffered the losses. Even if he struggles with emotion and comfort he should recognise a sensitive time like this and should be showing you nothing but love and support! Not to be having a go at you! My DH isn't great with people crying and can't deal with it but when I've burst into tears over anything he will just come over to me, hold me and talk to me, telling me everything will be ok (even when he doesn't know that). It's basic love and support from a partner.

If this is his "usual tactic", ie making you feel small, I agree with PP. He sounds horrible. I'm so sorry that you have nobody to talk to - that is what husbands are normally there for OP. I'd be rethinking your relationship if this is how he treats you at your lowest ebb.

People deal with things in different ways, not being physically affectionate doesn't make someone a bully!

He may have been picking over minor details and that doesn't sound very nice, but again, people react differently in stressful situations. While this will have been worse for you, it will ave been very stressful for him too, and if he's not usually affectionate, it's unreasonable to expect him to start being in the middle of a difficult time.

Not being affectionate = possibly a bit useless.

“kept on going over and over and over the same things to try and make me feel small” = bully.

Firstly, I'm sorry for what you are going through, I've been there and it's horrid.
You deserve so much better than the way your H is treating you.
Have you already got DC together?

In the nicest of ways maybe conceiving with a man who appears emotionally detached towards you was not a good idea? On the other hand miscarriages impact on partners too could it be that your dh is just concerned that this pregnancy might not progress but can't verbalize his feelings correctly? I had a big bleed with my first pregnancy , suspected miscarriage and whilst I was in the epu my dh had a
an argument with me about something trivial. He later apologised profusely and explained how scared he was that he might lose me and the baby. Some men can find it difficult to talk through what they are feeling, I obviously don't know your husband though, only you can shed light on this. Talk to him. Hope all goes well for you x

OP, I'm so sorry. I'd recommend you contact the Miscarriage Association for advice and support. I found them helpful after my two miscarriages.

As for your DH, his behaviour sounds dreadful and it's especially concerning you mention this is his usual thing to do. You are going through a hell of a lot physically and emotionally, the least you should expect is some kind words. He may well be struggling too and lashes out as part of that but it's not acceptable.

Get through the next few days, then when things have calmed down I'd suggest sitting him down for a real discussion about his behaviour towards you.

x

Your husband is a fucking jerk - what are his good points?

The true measure of a person is how they behave to you when the chips are down. Your DH has proven he’s awful - regardless of what happens with this pregnancy you should leave him.

You poor thing, having been through plenty of miscarriages it's a horrible time, and takes the fun and good feelings about being pregnant in case it goes wrong ... again!

BUT you will get there, I promise

Your DH needs to 'husband up' a bit, he's being awful to make you feel bad - what have you done ffs? Anyone bleeding out would get an ambulance, no one can look and day that's not serious, no one knows til investigation. And you absolutely should be in hospital and have scans. He needs a boot up the behind!

I'm thinking too thst your mum needs to turn her support around to you, not herself, she's being a grief stealer, your baby, your body, your grief- she's the support here not you

Good luck, I hope all is ok, I had a massive 12 week bleed which continued for around 6 weeks (slowly slowing down) and it was fine - she's nearly 11 now so don't lose hope

Relationship counselling? Is he devoid of emotion or just about this. Ppl can learn how to be a bit more sensitive but not change their personality. Did you ask for a hug? Talk to him about it.

Your husband verbally attacked you to make you "feel small" whilst you're in the pits of a possible miscarriage?

First Prize Bully there. How fucking dare he?

If he had issue with how things were at the EPU then he should have voiced them at the unit to someone who could help, not bully you at home.

He was having a go at you/picking at you at the hospital? He sounds horrendous. A big hug and some kind words were what was needed. You poor thing. Lots of hugs xx

Thank you all for your advice. I didn't reply yesterday because I could see so many threads were being bombarded with those inappropriate links.

Anyway, you've given me a lot to think about. I had wondered in the past if I was in an abusive relationship but when I looked into it, not everything fully matched up. However, those that have said he's a bully are absolutely spot on and I don't know why I haven't realised it before.

I gently talked to him a little last night and he didn't say a word in response - he literally sat there and said nothing. However, it must have gone in because he's been more supportive today. I'm having surgery tomorrow and need to get through that and recover, but after that I need to carefully plan what I can do to improve things.

For those that asked - his good points are that he's a great dad and he also works very hard. Yes we do have a 6 year old child together who means the word to both of us. We weren't 'trying' for a baby as such as I didn't think I could have any more children after my previous miscarriages, so to find out that I was pregnant was a shock and a joy.

Ive been in your shoes with the MCs op. I'm so sorry for your losses. If it's any consolation I had 3 losses but am now 31 weeks (complications but that's another thread!). Do get all the checks you are entitled to, nag your GP for referral to recurrent miscarriage clinic.

Your DH behaviour sounds terrible. If there was no history of it, I would perhaps wonder if he wasn't coping well with the losses & cut him a little slack, but not that much - he needs to be supporting you regardless. Also it sounds like he has form for this . I really hope your chat with him does sink in. Don't be afraid to tell people about your losses if you want to/feel able to, I did and people have been so supportive & shared their own experiences, it's more common than people realise, you may have understanding ears among your friends without realising.

Op I am you in 20 years time.
Adult DC and a DH who puts everyone else ( friends, work colleagues, but most of all himself) before me.
I'm too old to start again so I will probably have to stay living with someone who has told me that he wont help me if I am ill and doesn't care.
Dont be me.

He’s not a great dad if he bullies the mother of his child.
And it doesn’t matter how hard he works. Does that make him a good husband? It makes him a good employee.

Is he good company? Does he make you laugh? Does he look after you? Does he do his fair and EQUAL share as a parent? If you are ill and bedbound how would he deal with it?

I have been there OP, with the miscarriages and my DH struggled but never ever ever took it out on me. Ever. You had a traumatic experience and your DH’s first response was to humiliate you. You said he sat there in silence. Did he apologise?

I'm glad you managed to talk to him and he's showing you support now. I hope he continues.
Best wishes for today