To think romance can last

[kaj13]

Now I'm not talking about the first passion of a new relationship but just general romance and affection and intimacy. My dh of over 20 years thinks I am unrealistic in expecting this at our stage. I'm only early 40s and am distraught at the fact that unless I end my marriage then this is it for me. What can I do? I can't make him feel something he doesn't or am I really being unrealistic?

I can only speak to the 6 years I’ve been with my DH, but we are still as romantic and affectionate as we were in the first week of our relationship. So yes, it’s possible, but entirely dependant on the people. My ex and I were together 4 years and all of the affection and romance died within the first year.

Do you love him OP? Does the idea of leaving make you feel sick or excited?

The idea of leaving makes me feel sad. Like it's a waste. We have young children so it would obviously be a big upheaval but I just feel so lonely. He just keeps telling me that I can't expect it because that's not where we're at anymore and its unrealistic to still be that way at our age/stage of our relationship. I don't agree but maybe I am expecting too much.

No.

What wouid you like him to do OP? Maybe spell out specific things to him?

Lasting affection and intimacy: YANBU
Romance: YABU

What are you expecting from him?

Depends what you mean by romance I guess. We’ve been together 21 years and things aren’t particularly romantic any more, can’t say I miss it much. But the intimacy is much deeper and we still laugh a lot and that’s huge. The laughter is the glue that holds us together.

Yes I think it's affection I mean more than romance. Everything seems to have slowly gone. Theres just no togetherness. No touching (hugs, handholding, sitting together watching telly). No intimacy. It's not normal is it?

Nope, that's not normal. Maybe not as much as you used too but I'd expect it to continue.

I think it is a very unusual relationship that is still really good after years.
Could be just my experiences/choices though.

I was about to ask if you mean romance or affection, so you mean more affection than romance, well that shouldn’t disappear. I think having small children can have an effect, well it has with us. It changes the dynamic so instead or sat on the sofa cuddling each other, you’ll be sat with a baby, each in our case. Instead of spooning in the morning you have another person between you. That said we do still kiss, hold hands and cuddle whenever we can snatch a moment to, it’s just harder to find a moment when other people want you too.

If you hug him, hold his hand or snuggle up with him what’s his response?

It depends what you mean by romance; affection and intimacy definitely and you can still do romantic things. I’ve found that prior to DC we used to sit together on the sofa and cuddle, cuddle in bed and generally be more affectionate but DC are now literally in the middle of us fairly constantly and when they’re in bed is sometimes just want my own space. I am really trying to get that affection back though as I think it made us closer.

My marriage was the most romantic ever, held hands for years, hugging, everyone said we were the perfect couple and so romantic after 20 years.
Then he dumped me out of the blue and instigated divorce proceedings. Said he needed to live on his own.
We had no DC together, I had grownup DC. i think children kill the romance. My friend who has three children and one of then severely autistic and a happy marriage says if you don't go out of your way to make time for your husband and have regular date nights and time together the marriage will die.

Maybe its because we don't have children, but we've been together nearly 30 years, still snuggle together on the sofa, hug each other, cuddle in bed etc. (oh and fuck, though probably not as often as before.)

Disclaimer: DH was never an over the top lovey dovey sort of bloke, so our relationship was never "romantic" in a mills and boon / rom-com way, but the affection and intimacy have always been there

I have been with my DH for 14 years and we are still affectionate and even occasionally romantic with each other. We have two DC 8 and 10 and things have actually improved between us in the last few years as the DC have got older and we can spend more time alone again.

Maybe its because we don't have children, but we've been together nearly 30 years, still snuggle together on the sofa, hug each other, cuddle in bed etc. (oh and fuck, though probably not as often as before.)

Same. We still hold hands, exchange valentine’s cards, celebrate our wedding anniversary. I do think that once you have children you are parents first and a couple second and it takes work to carry on being a couple. That’s how it looks to me any way.

I was with my late DH for 25 years, and the romance never ever died. And yes, I do think it's bound up with remembering birthdays, Valentine's, etc. I still treasure his text messages telling me he was leaving work, the hug as we passed each other. Always affectionate.

I still have all of those things with my DH of 14 years. I joked in the beginning that our relationship was rom com territory because it was that perfect. Apart from having lived together for the last 15 years or so, nothing has changed - we still hold hands, cuddle, affectionate touches are a regular occurrence. He remembers the anniversary of our first date and does something special every year.

I don’t think you’re BU to want those things, or to think they’re possible in a long term way.

I don't think wanting affection and intimacy is unreasonable OP.

My dad is very clumsily affectionate, but he and my Mum were very much in love and they showed it literally until the moment she died. They would have been married 40 years this year.

DP and I are affectionate, only 8 years together, but I want to keep it.

You have to be happy, or at least content. Will he at least try to understand?

Maybe its because we don't have children, but we've been together nearly 30 years, still snuggle together on the sofa, hug each other, cuddle in bed etc. (oh and fuck, though probably not as often as before.)

We still do that and we have 6 kids (3 joint). Yes it’s interrupted more often, but it’s still part of every day life

We’re still blissfully happy after 11 years. People often think we’re in the honeymoon phase of our relationship. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we don’t have the daily grind of looking after children.

Don’t settle for less!!

Looks like a mix of levels then. I guess the main issue is wanting different things. If I am affection to him he will respond but it's more in an awkward "I should respond" way. He does remember birthdays, anniversaries etc and isn't thoughtless just unaffectionate. He will not listen to how I feel without getting angry. I say I feel unloved. He says I'm wrong. End of! I don't think it's because of the kids as issues were there long before. I guess then my options are accept it (and hope something changes) or move on.